I’ve been so despondent lately, yet simultaneously filled to the brim with frothing, boiling hate. I hate so bitterly, so inexpressibly deep. I am repulsed by life, by the complacent, perverse disregard of logic in every day procedure. I hate my roommate, though it was me that so barbarically and mercilessly bullied her… I am so awful, and I recognize it. Yet I am so apathetic. I am such a hideous person of spirit, mind and body. I am cognizant… I hate myself too. Yet I love myself more than anything. I am just so angry. I’m angry that life disagrees with me, that it […]
samusenko17
It is as though I have already lived life and am experiencing it in a retroactive daydream… the actors are dull and uninteresting, the unravelling plot equally meaningless and predictable… there is no weight to any information or consequence to action as I have already observed their respective outcomes… this life is a painfully repeated rerun and so I have no interest nor attachment to it… I cannot incite the slightest care in me, I am thoroughly apathetic… nothing matters nor means anything and I am so numb… drifting endlessly through a life I have already lived, subjected indefinitely to hellish, unbearable consciousness… everything is […]
it is 1am and I am beyond drunk on fatigue… I am angry and oddly aroused and it stirs in me a wonderful fascination. Anger and lust – the most primitive functions of the brain! The sole catalysts of the most heinous acts of man… man, simply a monkey motorized by a heightened ability to absorb data and infer that data’s behavior and its sequential result… and what does it do with this extraordinary capacity for complex reasoning? It materializes the nightmares conjured by the stupid, oafish monkey that lurks within that marvelous, meretricious shell of false civility! of false refinement! All of dignified society […]
I often think about how life is such a waste… a wealth of experience that culminates to nothing. Every day is intended to bring grandeur to the next or a day in the far future, and how useless it all feels… There are things I desire, some burn with feverish intensity… but then it all feels useless, as though its achievement is nothing more than a formality of life. What use is experience if it is unbearable, endless and ultimately unproductive? I could throw it all away, everything I’ve worked for… but then what is achieved? I could fulfill the purpose I’ve initiated, but when […]
I’ve never felt such stupor, such heavy, sordid hopelessness… it is a dreadful feeling of impending doom, of moving forward inexorably towards the end… It isn’t a choice, it’s an inevitability and the mind recognizes the slaughter machine at the end of the conveyor belt I was unconsentually spat onto. It’s strange, it is though I’ve already died and my fleshy body is in a state of ghostly mourning for the wretched fluke of being born, as though its waiting until my spirit passes to the other side. Its tragic, to know in your heart the end is very near, for a life containing that […]
And in the dark, blind depths of my despair did the senseless fragments coalesce into an aperture in which I could pass into. The realm I entered was but a place where the future manifest itself, formed from every experience I had ever endured and would ever occur. I can see my mother and father, intelligent, calculated and distant and my child self made confused and angry at their practical absence. I can hear them bemoan and fly into frenzies over the issue of finances all while their bank accounts bloat and grow fetid with disuse. This Future-Land is filled with shadows, echoes of everyone […]
Not satisfied he persisted “But of what genesis is such an intention borne?” to which the angel said to he “All things too fantastic for contact do spoil in their isolation.”
My life is a paradoxical duel existence. Love and hate are the same emotions to me, happiness cannot exist without its counterpart of resentment and anger. I am repulsed by company and the interaction of others and yet I crave their worship. I desire connections and yet violence comes so much easier than affection. I have someone who treats me better than most people are ever treated in their lives and yet I am most cruel to them. I berate and abuse them and yet they remain by my side. I recognize I am toxic, but I don’t know how to change or really want […]
When we met I was playing you against another one of my suitors. When the other left upon finding out and we became exclusive I refused to stop talking to someone I had had sexual relations with. It tore you up and I knew it did yet I didn’t stop, for I felt entitled to both. I knew how to rile you up and I knew how to hurt you and I took secret pleasure in watching you cry. You cried out to me: “why do you hurt me when you are supposed to love me? Why do you pain me as one does to […]
How… how can two diametric, incompatible, closed systems exist in a contingent union between each other? Two independent systems that operate under distinct sets of law, where each respective set of laws undermines the logic and purpose of the other? It’s a simple paradox, a backwards apparatus that cannot function. And it does not. Inside there are two separate individuals each with their own desires, aspirations, united only through a common body and an ultimate ambition. Both each striving, fighting, clawing for what they want, hindered by the permanent integration and the constant subversion by the other. And the result of this is that neither […]
And he said to the angel “How could a thing so pretty in face contain in its flesh so evil, grotesque and fetid an element?” and the angel said to he “For if the vile and loathsome manifest in form would it not do to the uttermost that which it is intended?”
I could never understand it, the immense rift between myself and the human race. I observed, I analyzed, I extrapolated, applied and methodized the mechanics of relationships and yet my science yields no positive results. At first I exercised the principles of a productive relationship on the basis of empathy (treated those in the fashion of which I wished to be treated) and still the level of reciprocation was minimal or forced at best… I attempted to appeal to the virtues of charm: exercising humor, adjusting my demeanor to dominating or submissive based on the temperament of the individual I interacted with, flattered when the […]
I was born among the elite, the educated, proper folk whose minds operated in the mode of mechanical science and who scrutinized the world through the lens of a logician’s numerical calculations. Everything was numbers, statistics to be enhanced – for in their eyes progress was a thing which could only be observed through the flux of quantities, not cherished, personal victories incapable of being translated into benchmarks.
As such quantitative endeavors like that of grades and money were emphasized while the development of qualitative phenomena like that of the arts and the emotions were vastly neglected. I have never seen my mother nor father express […]
1. I will purge the mind of bias
2. I will shed all value in trivialities (anything that does not benefit me)
3. I will withdraw persomal involvement from anything I do not have personal stake in, which includes relationships with those I do not care for or anything that does not pertain to me.
4. I will exercise discipline, discretion and contemplation in all decisions.
5. I will take part solely in activities that benefit me.
6. I will sacrifice what is necessary to achieve quality progression.
7. I will acquire what is inevitable.
I am hungry but the thought of food brings about a feeling of disgust. I am lonely but the idea of company elicits irritation and resentment. I am bored but the thought of taking part in inconsequential activities creates a sense of guilt. Inside there is a hunger for comfort and pleasures but at the same time there is a force that rejects the notion, a force that shames and punishes me for indulgence. I’m sure if I were to express this to a therapist they would attribute it to poor self esteem and paint it as an act of self destruction, but that could […]
You did this to me, didn’t you? You’re the reason why I have a hole in my heart that will never heal. It’s not a hole, it’s a void. It’s a gaping vacuum that sucks things in to compensate for the empty space inside – an infinitely increasing emptiness that can never be satisfied. I will never be whole again and you did this to me. I am handicapped because of you. I am crippled by a black, permanent sorrow in my chest that won’t leave me, a melancholy so heavy and thick it prevents me from enjoying anything. But I WANT to enjoy things. […]
Pretty. I was born and moulded in a world of pretty. Pretty cars, pretty faces, pretty personalities, pretty lawns, pretty, immaculate lives of the aristocratic, educated elite. But what they do not realize in a world constructed of beauty and pleasantries is that ugliness and savagery is the organic, natural state of reality. To be pretty is to be an aberration of the natural order. To be pretty is to be frail, an unnatural thing which can only exist under artificially induced conditions instated and maintained by the ugly. I was born in a world of pretty and yet somehow I am hideous of mind […]
I am a narcissist. I love myself, I worship myself, I have an incredible sense of grandiosity and power despite nothing to corroborate it. I am a self aware narcissist. I am smooth and witty and endearing – wait, am I? Ah, yes, saying X, Y and Z will surely fell the hearts of the weak minded, see how quickly they spiral into the clutches of your addicting, bombastic personality… But just in case that’s not true I shouldn’t say anything. I make a fool of myself when I speak. I embarrass myself when I speak. Oops, a remark slipped out, see how you run […]