i was feeling extremely sad about an hour ago. i sobbed out loud for a long time. my face was getting numb. i let the tears dry out on my face and my glasses form tear stains. i can’t move my face and i don’t really care. i dwell and dwell and think and think of what to do to get out of it. i remember overdosing on abilify and antidepressants in the past. 180 pills i took that time. my mistake was that somehow i ended in the emergency room. suddenly a huge rush comes over me, and i get excited and obsessive. i […]
this year was the toughest one I have had in my life. i dropped out of college twice and was hospitalized 4 times. i have experienced the lowest points in my life this year. but i have also realized many important things. i have grown up. i have gotten closer to my husband. he is my best friend. he helps me through my illness. i have gotten closer to my church family and i am now in the beginning phases of getting real intensive treatment for my BPD. i hope that i begin to really heal this year. i am fed up of this lifestyle […]
just wanted to wish everyone one crazy hallows eve. </3
xoxoxoxooxoxoxox
i have very low self esteem. i spend all day online looking at ways to make myself prettier- makeup tricks, hair tricks, fashion tips. i shop a lot and keep up with latest trends and i always try to look good. i want to please those around me- my husband my family. everyone is always looking their best, they criticize me when i do not wear makeup or have my hair done. they look down on me. this morning i was feeling down and ugly like i always do while watching some beauty videos on youtube. i was listening to the TV about how to […]
i cant stand that he still gets to walk around. he still gets to drink his beer sit on his fat ass walk around like he owns everyone spend all day on the computer stalking people on facebook. i cant stand that he will never be held accountable for the hell he made me experience and for ruining my life. all i feel is a very deep hatred that goes beyond what my body can contain. i hate having to see him. i wish i would never see him again. the problem is that my mother is still married to him and i love and […]
he came back last night. it was him trying to break in. i yelled out, babe? is that you? he said yes in a very tired tone. i opened. i can’t describe the feeling i had when i saw him standing there. he said he was there knocking our secret knock for a while. that explained the sounds i was hearing but was too scared to check it out. he was physically and emotionally drained. so was i. he held me and i just cried. i cried because i realized how weak i am without him. he cried too. he said he is scared to […]
i did it. i pushed the last person that cared enough away. he promised me with his life that he wouldn’t give up on me. im sitting in our apartment with all of our things. everything reminds me of him. i feel stupid. i won’t go to bed until he comes back. im hoping to hear the buzzer, but its been hours and he hasnt come back. i wonder where he is at. i hate myself so much. i wish he would understand that im bipolar and that i didnt mean all that i said. we’ve been together for 4 years now. married 1. he […]
do i have borderline personality disorder?
i desperately want to know what i have why i have it and how i can fix it.
i dont know if these questions are ever answered but atleast i will die knowing that i did care enough to look for an answer. i want to be able to grasp what it is that is wrong with me and then be able to tackle it.
this empty feeling is consuming me. i want to be able to say that i can one day be normal. i want to be able to live my life, set goals and realize them.
I give up on people. I give up on the hope of ever feeling anything other than pain. I give up. I wish to just disappear. I wish to die and never to experience pain. I hate people. Everyone in my life is unjust, cold, mean, cruel. No one gives a shit. No one ever stops to think about me. I wish to never come out of my house. I wish to never encounter another cold person who does not give a shit.
I do not wish to have anything fancy only some little joy. I once felt hopeful that one day the pain would […]
its all blurry. my eyes are puffy. from crying so much. i sat by my window and stared at the dying tree. its beautiful. my apartment is so freaking cold. im supposed to “be up” at 9:30. no one knows this pain of mine. tomorrow in front of everyone i will look and act fine. he just sleeps through it all. my pacing. my silent tears. he doesn’t understand anymore. i remember when me and him were the same. he has been in this place too. but now he doesn’t cut or wish for death. he reads the bible and keeps himself busy. but when he sees me upset he gets […]