i cant stand that he still gets to walk around. he still gets to drink his beer sit on his fat ass walk around like he owns everyone spend all day on the computer stalking people on facebook. i cant stand that he will never be held accountable for the hell he made me experience and for ruining my life. all i feel is a very deep hatred that goes beyond what my body can contain. i hate having to see him. i wish i would never see him again. the problem is that my mother is still married to him and i love and need her still. so if i want to be near my mother and my younger siblings, i am forced to be near this great bastard of life. i will never forget what he did. i refuse to be like every one else and act like nothing ever happened. everything is fresh in my memory. i wear it all on my sleeve. i have the scars. i experience it everynight when i am tortured by the flashing thoughts. i feel my heart beating and my chest get heavy. my body knows that he is the enemy. i can’t stop the homicidal thoughts- a few deep stabs into the back of his neck, just because i couldn’t stand to see his face at that close of a distance. or a good shot to the head. i am full of rage. i wish to one day be set free. i wish to never have to see him again or hear him. i wish to lead a normal life and let go of all this hate and not be mentally ill any longer. i wish that God would let justice be served, because this life that has been handed to me, its just not fair.
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It sounds like you may need to Find someone to talk to to help you through this.
You should not have to suffer because of what he did.
Good luck
I empathize…amidst your pain I can only encourage you to not continue to act out on yourself what a sniveling weak, insecure person already did to you because then you’re picking up where he left off.
So the question is how do you move forward. Definitely be real and own your emotions about the whole thing…it is a process I wish you did not have to endure but it happened and I’m only replying to support you and lessen the hurt cause inside of you.
When you are more in a calm space, for your own well being and sanity I would encourage you not to identify yourself with what you experienced….yes it happened but it is in no way a reflection of the perfect splendid being you are. It’s up to you and you have to fight for it. Life often throws shit at us when we are least prepared to deal with it. Be angry, let your emotions fly, and I encourage you to beat up a pillow or something other than you…you’ve already been through enough. As time passes and when you are able realize that being angry at someone else is like you drinking poison and expecting the other person to die and how you wish he would…I hear you, I’m with you and this may be too soon for you to even ponder any of this but I’m only here to support you and give you words of encouragement for your own well being. Sending good vibes your way. Know that when you refrain from identifying yourself with what you experienced…you take the power away from the person that acted out on you and the negative aspects of the experience. You deserve kindness, love and appreciation for who you are. Know this…do your best to practice these thoughts.
And if any danger presents itself again do everything in your instinctive power to protect the splendor of who you are and fight. Take good care.
thanks so much, your words really brought some comfort to me…
I believe life must have been very difficult and insulting to your essence. Most people behave that abusive way because of the social conditioning of our society. Most people lack the awareness that how their actions might create tremendous sufferings to others. If the people you meet keep hurting you and harming you, you have to learn to go back to what you have been as a child- innocent, kind, worry-less and free. Our mind has the tendency to go into unconscious when subjected to external circumstances. These modifications on our perceptions result in several wrong doings as well as follies that will make us regret when we finally know what we have been doing.
I have been through 10 years of unconscious living – addicted to pornography, gaming, foods – which resulted in severe depression. I had not had good sleep and was in severe depression for years. My body, as a result, was severely weak and when I started to realise my follies, I could not accept them and it turned to a vicious cycle. After few years of seeking the meaning of life through reading books, helping others as well as meditation, I am completely free of my past and am able to live a peaceful life. If I can, why can’t you? Start aligning yourself with your true self, or the self that was in you when you were a young child – innocent, likeable, respectful, kind and so on.
Listen to this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNkr86zZaP4
If life is too tough, accept it. Countless people have been destroyed by the evil in the world, and we are lucky yet not to be annihilated. Stop letting external factors to influence your internal soul. Let it untouched, let go of your assumption. Live in the moment.
If this isn’t enough to calm you down, read “A New Earth†which can be downloaded easily from Google.
Wish peace reside in you.