I don’t know if anyone else experiences this or is it just me. But sometimes there are some grief and emotions that I don’t deal with right away and they just sit around waiting patiently, giving me enough space to function normally for a while. Sometimes they pile up so high I can’t image ever dealing with them. But then one day when you least expect it, it all comes crashing down. The moment you knew was coming but hoped it will never really come. And I just can’t help it. Tears tears tears.. buckets of tears.. a grief so great that it crushes my […]
Some days I feel like my chest is being crushed by all the love and care I would have wanted to give someone. Even now my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars, and no laughter and no sleep.
Some days I wonder if ppl just can’t see how wonderful they really are.. even burned out, or damaged.. There is such beauty in a strong beating heart inside a good person.
I assemble pieces of me life together every morning. Pieces that are so fragile I’m afraid they won’t last for long. They don’t even fit well anymore. There are so many pieces missing,lost some where along the way.
I go through life carefully trying to keep the pieces together.
And every night as I get home the pieces silently fall apart. Maybe tomorrow there will be no more pieces left to assmble.
I’ve always wondered why during my darkest times can I never pick up the phone and call a friend? Is it pride? lack of will? or just plain embarrassment?
I don’t know why the days that I need someone’s help are the days I just wanna lock myself in the room and be alone. It just seems so counterintuitive and yet I do it over and over again.
Why is it that we prefer to suffer alone? Is it just me?
Why is it so scary to admit that you are sad? Sometimes I almost avoid ppl just so they won’t notice how depressed I […]
Life is such a messy business
I feel like I am always searching for a place to fit in. Just to blend in with all the other people that fit in. But all I manage to do is watch them; Envy them; Pretend that I am like them.
I feels like I am just watching life from behind a glass. I can see what’s going on but I can’t join..I can’t touch them, I am never going to be one of them. There is always Something separating me from them. I don’t exactly know how to describe it. It is invisible and yet when I reach out I can touch it, […]
There is black hole that lives inside me.
It slowly takes away everything. It slowly got bigger and bigger and I feel emptier and emptier. I can feel it crushing my bones, pushing and squeezing my organs.
I don’t remember how I got infected or if it was always there. But now I am filled with emptiness. I know what happiness is, I understand it and I know I will never feel it. There is nothing in this world that I want or that could stop my black hole from devouring me.
I only remember a routine I am suppose to follow to fit in […]
yes fuck you!!!
I see your face when I close my eyes, I hear your voice, you come into my dreams and ……FUCK YOU!!!
The only thing I hate more than you is myself.
I wanna feel good toooooo….
🙁
🙁
🙁
I feel like my life is just a series of bad days strung up together in one endless cycle, I can’t seem to escape.
It is like you wake up with a hang over to realize you’re late. You stub your toe on the way to the bathroom, and you realize there is no hot water for a shower. You get stuck in traffic, then there is no place to park and your boss gives you hell that day. You’re doing a mind numbing, meaningless job to pay the bills for the things you don’t really need. No body gets you at work, you wonder […]
Lonely ..Lonely.. Lonely
This day makes me feel even more alone.
OHHHH I hate love … and I hate not being in LOVE…
should I buy myself some flowers? sure it’s pathetic, but who says I can’y buy myself flowers?
just a short poem I found. I can’t imagine how heart broken and sad the author must have been.
WHEN I am dead and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain-drenched hair,
Though you should lean above me broken-hearted,
I shall not care.
I shall have peace, as leafy trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough;
And I shall be more silent and cold-hearted
Than you are now.
You ask :” Hey how are you?”
and just for once I wish I could just say: ” I’m miserable and I wanna die. Every breath is a challenge! My loneliness is endless and there is this black hole at the bottom of my heart that seems to eat away at my soul” Oh what a load off my chest. JUST FOR ONCE, to be completely honest.
But instead I smile and I say”fine!, how are you?”
which is your cue to tell me all about your wonderful weekend. It is all you wanted anyway. I think even if I tell anyone how i truly feel, they […]
Today just feels right.
I am calm, I am at peace, and I want to die.
I mean I’ve been thinking about it a lot, I am on a suicide website after all but today it’s different.
I don’t like making decisions when I am angry or sad cuz I’m afraid I might regret it. And normally i don’t make the right choices during a heightened emotional state, but today my mind is clear.
Today everything is clear. I have fully accepted my life, my decisions and how hopeless my future really is. I think that acceptance has given me peace. I never thought pure hopelessness […]
So they say, have no expectations and life will be easier. If you have no expectations you can’t get disappointed right?
Well then, if i have no expectations, why would I even bother to get outta bed? If I don’t expect my life to get better, why would I even try? There is no progress without expectation. There will be no Drive.
It makes no sense to me having no expectation, sounds more hopeless than disappointment. To want nothing sound ridiculous.
Help me understand this. Do they just mean to lower your expectations rather than totally eliminate your expectations. Even lowering your expectations seems to show […]
I don’t think I can ever get rid of depression. Sure I can push it out of my life for a while, but it comes back and finds me and clings to me and the cycle of trying to stay afloat and gasping for air starts all over again. I don’t live, I only go from one depression episode to the next. What happens in between is just enough recovery time to watch myself almost die all over again. I am trapped, I am alone and not alone at the same time. Depression is always with me and it is never going to leave.
I […]
People think deciding to take your own life is easy, like deciding what colour of shirt you wanna buy or what flavour of ice cream you wanna get. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Dying is complicated. I am not talking about the impulsive ones but the ones that take planning and consideration. The ones where you map out exactly what you need to do, how will your family be provided for when you are dead and who will look after your pets. The thought of loved ones finding me dead or hearing about my death has kept me going but not […]
My heart needs refuge, my mind needs silence and my hands, my hands always empty, wishing one day they can enjoy the taste of affection.
I watch their hands interlock and I wonder if my hands are too small or too ugly to be held. Always cold, always lonely are the knots in my fingers making it impossible for them to properly fit. Do the deep honest lines cut like razors too close to your skin. I wonder, I wonder about all the moments they’ve spent lifeless and confused.
I place my heart in a jar and my mind just needs medication but […]
“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”
There are days when I feel like if I can push myself a little harder everything will get better, If I can just see things differently, maybe if I didn’t analyse everything to pieces or if I were better, smarter, kinder..? , maybe if I can just think and do things the way they do… It will all be better..
And there are days when I just wanna give up… Maybe I’m built to be dissatisfied. From all the possible combination of genes, mine were not assembled to last, or to be passed down.
My sequences of A, G, C, T, is a self destructive […]
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