Lately I’ve been having hardships in school, low grades, bad teachers, lack of enthusiasim, etc. I feel like I’m starting to accept the death of my mother, who I was taken from at the age of three and died and the age of six, but everytime I feel the wound has been healed, another scab has been picked open. My boyfriend started working 1630-0000, which means I get only an hour to talk to him when I get home. I started setting an alarm to wake up at 0000 so I could talk to him when he gets home, but the late hours are taxing […]
I don’t know why, but there’s this emptiness inside of me that’s carving me out from the inside and leeching through my skin. I don’t understand it though. I’ve had a really nice day, and then bam. I want to curl up and cry, slicing my skin each time a tear escapes. I got a detention a few days ago for something stupid, and school has become hell. I don’t remember what it’s like to have an actual weekend, let alone life because I’ve been going back and forth between people’s houses while my dad looks for one of our own. I don’t think my […]
My dad is getting married soon. He wants me to call his fiancée my mother. I can’t do that! It wouldn’t feel right, and she’s not. I like her, don’t get me wrong. Her psychotic Husband who she ran away from because of abuse is making up shit stories to make her feel guilty and get under her skin. She needs to press charges and get custody papers over the kids before he can but she’s not doing anything. I’m stuck in the middle too, in everyone’s way. No one knows what to do with me. My grandparents don’t want me home alone even with […]
Lamenting silently in my room. Had a serious mood swing. One moment I was happy and at ease and the next I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. My brother says that it isn’t okay to cry. Is that true? Is it bad to cry? I’m pressing charges on my friends’ cousins’ for sexual harassment. I didn’t do anything to them. In fact, I never ever spoke to them before. My grandmother won’t talk to me. She waited to tell me that supper was done after it got cold. Yeah, she really loves me huh? In a way I don’t blame her. I […]
When you’re shivering and cold, it’s like there’s nothing else out there. Am I the only one who gets the feeling of being alone when I’m cold? It’s as if the chill calls to you and begs you to follow it and leave everything else behind. life is like a flake of snow, cold and light and harassed by its surroundings until you hit the ground, then become jostled around by the world around you until you melt in warmth. You’re still that same snowflake I guess, but you’re something different and more useful. The cold is brilliant, really. Closing your eyes, do you sometimes […]
I’m not sure if anyone will actually read this well, or even care, but I’m sick of this. Life is just time, and we’re only doing things to waste it or make the best of it. I’m sick of it! I want to see what’s existing opposite of time. I hate time. I hate life. The blade isn’t too far away, within arms reach, just one quick slice and it will be over. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I just don’t know!! I’m just one drop of blood in the body of a healthy human, not needed and dispensable…. I’m tired in […]
Maybe someday I’ll tell you about all of my pain. Maybe someday I’ll tell you that the real reason as to why I don’t sleep very much at night is because I’m just that scared of what might happen to you while I sleep. I want to protect you so much, but you’re not even here. The real reason why I cut is to know that everything isn’t an illusion. When will I tell you that? When will I tell you all the things that trouble me? When will I stop using depression as an excuse? Why can’t I pick myself up anymore? You tell […]
Not answering…Not breathing…Why..??!?!
I know not to worry. But he didn’t call back like he said he would yesterday. “I’ll call back in a minute” This is a really long minute. He didn’t return the call today… The second I showed my face in the kitchen this morning, I was yelled at. Because I have sleeping issues and it’s apparently my fault. Then I was b*tched at because I had my door closed. I always have my door closed. Always. ALWAYS. It’s always my fault.. I’m always the reason why everyone else is miserable, and the only thing I did was not interact with anyone but my boyfriend. I’m just […]
Well, at a request, this is going to be a part of what I go through in life.
I’m fifteen. My mother died when I was six, I only saw her until I was three. My dad is getting married soon and I’ll be moving to a different state where the ground is sand, with three new siblings. My close relationships are with one of my friends, maybe two, My brother, my soul brother, and my boyfriend, who I’ve been dating since 12. I have social anxiety/phobia and paranoid schizophrenia. I don’t hear voices, I just get really sick and scared. I cut myself, but I […]
What’s the point anymore? Nobody cares… Just.. I should just end it….Now..
You told me you’d call back in a minute. You still didn’t. That was about four hours ago. Where the Fu_k are you? I know not to get worried, but it keeps happening more and more and I’m starting to think you don’t want to talk to me. I know you, but it doesn’t feel that way. What am I supposed to do? I can’t afford a plane ticket to get there and then back just to make sure you’re okay. I’m not getting any good gigs lately, so the band is in some tension. I know you won’t call back anymore tonight, you don’t […]
I won’t be able to see him, but that’s okay. I will soon. Knowing that there will be a day of nothing, a day of having an empty heart… Sad that I depend on one soul to support almost all of me. Sad that I can’t walk on my own, that I need him there to protect me…Maybe someday, when I’m hurt, I’ll sprint.
It’s not like anyone really cared for me. I promised him I wouldn’t cut. I promised him I wouldn’t cry. I promised her I’d stay strong. As everything falls apart I realise that I can’t see any more colour. I can’t notice what they’re trying to tell me. So what if I’m a paranoid schizophrenic? Does it matter? Does it matter if I have social anxiety? Does it matter if I’m different? According to them, yes. It means a world of a difference. Trying to breathe and see through tear filled eyes. I know I feel guilty for cutting. For just breaking that promise. What […]