General

Dear Everyone Who Cares To Read,

Maybe it’s goodbye, maybe it’s not. But things happen, I know this, a little too well. I’m not old enough to have my life lost, but it feels like I’ve been through too much for my age also. My heart races every moment, and I get this sense that someone or something is watching me. I’ve had trauma happen when I was younger. I’ve been to a Crisis Unit, it didn’t do much.

All of you out there, you’re all strong. But I’m not anymore. I’ve lost it. Bit by bit, I’ll get weaker. One more trigger. Gone —

Three. —

One. Two. […]

All I want to escape from inside my head. The yearning feeling in the bottom of my gut is telling me yes, and my heart and my head. So I don’t know why I’m still crawling my way through each day.

Karma keeps throwing me some hope and snatching it away just as fast. Life is becoming just one big strip tease, if anything. Hah.

I don’t know when it where. But I am going to hang myself. I have made my decision. I’m done with this miserable thing called life. I can see a future for myself but there is no way in hell I will ever be able to make it. Too much pain and suffering. I’m dreads to just burn in hell. Guess I need to write a new updated suicide note.

xx

So a little back ground information to start off this post.  Im 27 now and was diagnosed with depression when I was 14 after a suicide attempt. Got out of hospital and went to see people about my issues. I managed to control things until I was 18 when I had my 2nd attempt.

I had been down over the last few years and I asked for help and I got what the medical profession counts as help. I even changed my job as I hated it. I am now In a job that I should be happy it as its in a job I want […]

I hate myself, because I can’t just enjoy myself and be happy. I am conditioned this way, to feel sad. Changing is fucking hard. It’s not some simple act of will. People who aren’t down, depressed, whatever you call it, are so fucking clueless. They think it’s all your own fucking fault. It’s like someone breaking their arm and another person asking what their problem is – why can’t you use it anymore? What’s wrong with you? It’s not so god damn simple.

I wish I could just be happier. My life is ridiculously “good”. I have come to realize that another person in my place […]

I’m sorry guys….

I’m down. I called a friend for help. He “didn’t have time”, so I asked him to call my ex to call me ( I deleted his number so I couldn’t stalk him), and he did. He said to my ex `it wasn’t necessary’ , so…

he eventually called me … drunk… blaming me I had sex with my ex and shit, but I needed him to be here…

He stopped the conversation by saying: “well, I’m going now… bye. ”

Yeah, I had sex with him, but you don’t know why… I’m empty… I want to feel…

I need you…

BE HERE, please… you gave me almost […]

fml missed work yesterday(new  part time job)  due to “sickness” but it was more social anxiety…. now i need to call asking when my next shift is.  scared to . fml

So I was in my English class today, and it suddenly hit me. This massive wave of anxiety, my whole insides clenched and ached and my hands and legs were shaking. I could hardly breath and my heart quickened so fast. My friends took me to the nurse and then left me and while i was explaining it just all tumbled out, all my problems, my self harming everything. She’s booked me in to see my college counsellor but now I’m terrified, I don’t know what to do I’ve never done this kind of thing before, can anyone give me some advice on what therapy […]

Saturday 15th december, my day. Hotel is booked.. dont want to be disturbed. I can finally be at peace

Sorry, i cut again…  Im a mess… i don’t know why i’m alive… I deserve all this pain… i deserve all this cuts… i deserve to die! i’m not good for anyone… i just want to die =/

i have changed significantly this year, some of it not so good.

I have definately started coming out of my shell this year, only a few months after my 18th i started getting into alcohol and weed, (never thought i would) as i found out its incredible effects on my anxious irrational mind.  I honestly like how i have changed it means that i am not the same old me. In many ways i feel i  am moving forward besides the risky sex (which i have simmered , it was ust a phase). I have made some incredible feats which i never thought i would be […]

I’ve managed to hang on, without ending it all, for a long time now.   Every day has been a battle to get up, go to work and get by somehow.   Every day gets tougher and tougher, though.   Today is the worst, so far.   I don’t know how to get through it, except endure it.  What really makes me feel hopeless is knowing that the days that follow may be even worse, if things keep going the way they have been in the past.  I wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel.   I’ve been waiting for one for so long, but I […]

I’m low… really low…

I’m so full of adrenaline…. holy fuck… I’m scared…

I want to fall apart. I need to.

I need to be hold tight…

I need to fall apart in someones arms…

but nobody’s here.

I need too cry, but I have to be strong…

Holy shit…

Save me…

catch me when I fall… I’m falling…

I’ve known for a while i’m into girls, I cant tell my family they wouldn’t understand I’ve had boyfriends to cover it but it just feels wrong. I’m single atm but no one would take me seriously when I’ve had bf’s before.. It was just never right I’ve always liked girls, what do i do? i don’t look like a ‘typical’ lesbian if that’s possible. Just want to be took seriously:(

Todays my birthday. I thought that maybe my “friends” would spend time with me today and be nice to me and act like I’m something special. Maybe two of them wished me happy birthday. Now I’m all by myself– physically. No one talks to me or sits with me, or eats lunch with me. Oh that’s right, its because you’re too lazy to go buy lunch. Well I’m sorry that you’re too lazy for me to eat, but you’re supposed to be my best friend and todays my birthday….

I guess I’m not eating lunch. Instead I’m sitting in a corner on a suicide website. I […]

I have done so many horrible things to myself, my friends, my family and even people I don’t know.. I just have this tendency to fuck shit up.. and not always in a fun partying kinda way. But in a way of actually just screwing up everything. Things start to get better.. what do i do? Fuck it all up again, and make things worse than before. Its just something I tend to do.

I smoke. Sometimes. I smoke as a relaxation and a chance to regroup and gather myself together. I know it sounds weird, but it helps me think straight again. Even though i […]

Sunflower, please do not hate me, do not be mad at me.

I did it for your own good!

I did not know that you would end up having to have surgery..

getting your apendex taken out 🙁

But you need help and you wont help yourself, and you wont listen to anything I say.

Please dont hate me..

I love you dearly my best friend!! I truely do.

But i cannot sit here and let this continue.

I cant focus all of my attention on saving you, when i myself still need saving..

Nothing i did is out of selfishness, but out of concern.

For you and I both.

Just please dont hate me..

im trying […]

rocketman, i cant talk to you anymore through email. I’m so afraid my husband will find out even though all is harmless. i love talking with you but because I’m deliberating hiding all our texts i know its wrong. he would think so too. 🙁 but i ordered those dvds we talked about! im sure he’s going to appreciate them.:)))