I did again.

An old dead guy once told me, there is always hope so long as we are alive. Which is true, but I am so isolated due to many reasons, including repelling people away, shame of myself for being too ugly, honest, and wanting to be a woman. Each thing could be worked on, and therapy costs too much, and the paper work stresses me out too much. Sometimes I feel like I want to do something else other than die, like pass as a woman, or make a nice home cooked meal, or have a romantic relationship, or go camping, and other things too. My biggest issue is being scared all the time because I had friends who were murdered for being dressed as women (biologically male), also Insurance creates so many obstacles for obtaining help, and also again the help itself usually is more isolation with often forced medication, either by needle, or in your hospital food. It’s miserable feeling hopeless, but there is hope, practical hope, the motivation comes from gravity of desires. Like Hunger, Hatred, Love, Lust, Loneliness, and others too.
If you want to know a little something about life is that “all things are equally true as they are untrue, given proper context.” It’s the philosopher’s stone in words. Take what you feel that is depressing you, and DO the opposite of your normal reaction. Get your body In motion, and stay in motion, and be a *****, a jerk and also a kind and gentle soul. See what happens, I promise you that by flip flopping your normal emotional responses to depression you’ll change from that, little by little. And Yes you will fail, we all fail, even winners fail most of the time, it’s not worth the effort focusing on doing the same kinds of failures over and over. So do New Efforts, different, exciting!