General

For a while I have been wanting to cut my arm and I am going swimming tomorrow so I can’t and it’s really anoying I just want this feeling to go away.

Yeah…i came home from his party (huuuge binge btw) and when i got this random “hold up im just gonna hang myself right quick” feeling so i was sitting on the livingroom floor making a noose when my mom comes downstsirs to the soud of my creepyass laughing and slapped me then she dragged me ouf to the car and drove me to the teens mmental help hospital where i sat in therapy for a week then recovery till friday, came home, packed my stuff for xacation , got my ipod touch and then we left for wild wood… And now im back…hey…

This police officer has been harassing me since Freshman year. Here is a little bit of the back story. I was in CPS and in a all girl group home, I had visitation with my grandma and it was court approved, after going to school I went to my grandmas just as plan. The group home knew I had a over night visitation and yet they called me in as a runaway. my grandma called my Case worker and he told the group home to drop the Runaway charge.  I went to school the following day and that police officer showed up because it was […]

I posted on here a few days ago about one of my friends overdosing. I knew about it because she called me in between taking the drugs and dying, but the authorities have withheld her official “cause of death”, supposedly at her request. I was just wandering if that’s legal or if that’s the police realising that I’m not family and therefore not really wanting to discuss it with me,

The reason I ask is that it’s something I’d be very interested in doing if it is legal- I live in the United Kingdom and can’t seem to find information on the subject- as I’m planning […]

Keeping hopes up is hard. But I think that’s the one of the things, that keeps me here. Well today I made some exams, because the school terapist saw me sad and talk to me. I just broke in tears and I told her the hole story. Well because of that i did E x a m s today. They were weard. She made me write some stories, and i painted my family and I did a quiz. Well at the end of the day. I don’t know what to expect. The only thing that i know is that i love beeing alone. And i […]

Okay so on March 23 i lost someone really close to me we was about to start being a couple but then he got stabbed in the heart and die and now i wanna be with him i had been a recovering cutter up until the day of his funreal that day i started cutting again after i saw him laying there i went home andd grabbed my razor and now im starting to miss him and wanting to be with him i can keep going on without him i will never know how it would have turned out   well this is him

Days like this is when i really just wish i was died already i am on the inside but not on the out side days like this is when you wish you could just kill the people who has hurted u the most days like this is when i wish i was alone in the world Theses days are the days i fight with my grandparents all day then fight with my friends then just wanna cut till the knife and razor are fully red till i cant breath no more till i cant live no more i wish today was the end it just […]

I dont even have the energy to write in this. But I have to get this out.

This past year Ive lost myself and my mind.

Ive been diagnosed with PTSD and my mind feels like it is splitting into a multiple personality

I have nothing but dreams of demons trying to take me over and its to the point I dont sleep anymore.

I dont take my medicine. I dont want to be emotionless. I want to feel.

Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. It hurts and Im glad I feel something but this pain in unbearable.

I can no longer go on in this world. I am ready to move […]

So, I have the equipment for my preferred method.  I have a backup plan if that method doesn’t work.  I have a third backup plan in case the other two don’t work, or if I don’t feel like doing either of the other two.  All of my supplies are in the trunk of my car; not just the bus ticket, but the accessories I’ll need to make my my exit as calm, orderly and comfortable as possible.

Last night I found the spot.  An absolutely perfect spot.  Not too close, not too far.  Secluded enough so that I can get enough time alone to properly execute (no […]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! it came sooner then i thought it would. so i have to babysit my sisters friend in a couple hours, normally i look forward to this as it gets me out of the house. but since that fucking douche bag moved in and denied bout him asking to have sex with me, i look like the attention whore, everyone thinks im lying and going over there is hella uncomfortable, i know i had the right to say no but the mom is like a 1000x better mom to me ten my real one i didnt wanna let her down so i said yes. now […]

Two years ago today, one of my best guy friends died of a heroin overdose. It’s still so hard to believe that he is gone.. I just can’t understand why he was taken from this world so young. Why is it that there are drug addicts living all over the world, and he tried it one time and he was gone.. I know it’s wrong but it just doesn’t seem fair. He is the first person that was so close to me that I ever lost. Seeing him lying there felt unreal. It just felt like a horrible nightmare. I still feel like one day […]

I was raped by a woman it started one day when i was ten i went to the library with my mom and we separated a little while later a woman came up to me and said she was my moms friend and that my mom was at her house so she took me to her house the second we were in the door she smacked me on the ground and started kicking me i tried to fight back but she was older and stronger. She undressed me and tied me to her bed i cried and begged for her to stop but she didnt […]

all this effort, for what? I can’t even seem to enjoy myself in my own little life, let alone discover any meaning out of life itself. I hate all this doing and feeling, interfacing with reality in this way.

I think about how unlikely it is that I am flesh and blood, but then I remember that I’m not truly real anyway. I’m as real and tangible as the light produced from a flashlight. My brain watches the outside world and builds my personality, constantly adding, subtracting; all of us. So me, tyrone, is not real; just a function of this brain.

It is unlikely though, these […]

My 21-month old son is special needs and I can’t pay for therapy. We live in a shitty third-world country, which in itself is a good reason to off oneself, so basic services aren’t free. My husband is a good man but he has no ambition. I can’t work because we can’t afford a sitter and no one would look after my son. We’re always hungry because there’s never enough to eat. I’ve tried everything to make things better but I always end up hitting a wall.

So yesterday I saw a new psychologist (aka head shrinker).  Cuz my normal one said I am not ready for “therapy” until I am more stable.   The new guy was pushing for in patient treatment.  

So for those of you who have been down this road.   How do you get them off your back about locking you up???   How do you convince them you are not suicidal??   I mean – YA I think about it every day.   But I have not done anything for over 2 weeks now.   And I sure as hell dont wanna be in a nut-house.   

He kept asking if I ever think about […]