General

As it turns out, there’s someone I love. Very deeply in fact.
Thousands of miles away, gets me like noone else.
She’s with someone else though.
She has medical conditions and I worry about her a lot.
I hadn’t heard from her in months and finally heard back yesterday.
She loves me, but only as a friend, a friend she truly cares for.
I don’t know what to think sometimes.
I don’t have to be with her, I know we’ll be involved in one another’s lives forever at this point.

I’ve never lucked out with women irl, always wound up in some […]

I have no family and I don’t belong anywhere, I want to kill myself. My mother had me and then didn’t take care of me. She had me at 38. I’m slightly autistic or ADHD or developmentally disabled/schizophrenic because of it. Sigh. I’m approaching 30 and I find that nothing changes. I’ve been trying to get in contact with a few people for ages now, my friends don’t even answer my messages. People don’t give a shit about me and I resent them cause I find them all selfish for cutting me out just because I’m different. I find the lack of any real ingenuity […]

For the few comments I got on my last few posts, thank you. You guys did seem rather concerned and I am grateful. Maybe I have been over reacting a bit. I’m still going to work and lab, but I definitely feel the tug of suicide pulling me harder and harder. I’m still fighting, but I really don’t want to anymore.

My dad is here helping me move. I’ve treated him very poorly. I just can’t help it. Everything is setting me off. The whole situation. I wish I wasn’t like this, but I am. […]

I’ve been back to the doctors, well, to the case workers. They ask questions, and you know how those can sound somewhat off after being away for awhile;

“Do you ever hear or see things that no one else can see?”

DO I?!

Gee mister, I don’t know. I try to check as often as I can, but I always suspect I’m hearing things that others don’t. That they don’t see everything I see.

Because of religion and superstition. Years of awful practice learning to see what isn’t there. Not even getting into art and imagination. I’ve seen worlds beyond worlds. I took a stroll through the end of […]

Whilst casually text-ranting about racism with a friend, she texted about the anti-semitism she experiences. And how, as a white person, she didn’t realize how much racism is around until this war, now people realize she is jewish, and then they hate her. And I just… wasn’t emotionally available for her. You’d think, of all people, that I would have empathy for someone experiencing racism. But if I’m really honest…. it’s hard for me to empathize with someone who just suddenly woke up to the fact that racism exists on the planet when I’ve been dealing with it my whole life. Part of me resents […]

I thought about “saying goodbye” but that sounds like I’m leaving, and I’m not. Just dealing with grief, which has been a dominant force in my life. I guess I just wanted to SHARE. A bit of grief for Plainwhite doing as he did, it’s a bittersweet kind, like graduation sort… And of course it isn’t final final. He’ll have to be gone awhile for it to be even persistant….. but I’ve learned to prep accordingly. People willing to announce an exit often do eventually.

It’s a bit the same with another, an old friend has dropped off the map……….. again. Last sign of life I […]

Every single cell in my brain is telling me to kill myself. It’s over. It’s done. No more. Just can’t keep fighting. Tired and worn out and nothing goes right. The pain of all the screw ups and failures has dulled a bit, but they still persistent. Tried talking to a few friends and a suicide hotline, and even if it feels a little better, can’t help but feel like there’s no way beyond this. I know my problems aren’t as big as other people’s, but that empty feeling won’t go. I think in the back […]

Emotional pain is difficult to evaluate. My current conceit is that if I could guarantee being free from the regret, longing, & despair that I feel for the rest of my life, I’d probably sacrifice a limb. Maybe not a whole arm, but a hand. And I’m talking hacked off with no anaesthetic, medieval style. That’s probably delusional. If someone were somehow able to really offer me that, I’m sure I would puss out. But it’s hard to quantify. When it gets bad, it seems truly awful. But it’s not like I break down crying in the middle of the street, or scream. I’m kind […]

{And I hate living in Neverland, and I hate living in this flawed body, and I hate I hate I hate PETER PAN!!!}

yes, the social worker/client dynamic is much like the parent child dynamic, sometimes sick and disordered

“I want I want I want, me me me, mine mine mine, now, now now”

I had a bit of a day….. really it was the last hour and a half. The last thirty minutes…… I nearly quit. We can’t take more clients towards the end of the day, we aren’t allowed overtime. We don’t want it either. The whole damn building shuts down at five. So we stop […]

My internship project is over. I took too long to design the thing and now lead times would take too long. My manager suggests that I just document what I have so that I can hand it off to the next intern or co-op. He seemed rather disappointed in the whole situation. I kept a straight face during it. My mentor on the other hand took a different approach. He thinks that there is still time with enough finagling with contractors and such. He’s setting himself up for disappointment. Both kept saying the same thing. That […]

I was getting a breakfast roll. There was a girl txting on her phone, eyes down. I just started talking, one can’t stand on ceremony in this world, ” A breakfast roll with bacon,sausage, egg, butter and ketchup ” I said. She looked up from her phone ” what?” She said whilst blowing out bubblegum with a resounding pop. ” you heard” I said. “A breakfast roll with bacon,sausauge, egg and butter” she said bitchily. “and ketchup, the attitude on you,I’d say you give ur boyfriend a terrible time, don’t you, tell me the truth” I said. ” Actually I don’t have a boyfriend” she […]

I officially stopped playing video games on May 19th. Not sure how I feel about it honestly. Gaming is the reason I made some friends in college that I still talk to to this day. It helped me start to learn about how business operate through keeping up with gaming news and the like, and likely pushed me more into tech, which is what I currently am working on making a career out of.

I got sick and tired of the complaints that all I did was game, didn’t take care of my responsibilities and nothing else, and out of relative anger, told my […]

Almost 6 weeks. More like 5 and a half. I’m finally starting to crack. Honestly I lasted a lot longer than I thought I would. So I guess that’s something to be proud of. Nothing in my internship is going right. I want to start ordering parts so I can actually do stuff, but every time I show my final design there’s something wrong. Either I put to much focus on something I shouldn’t have or didn’t think something through. I’m told to just go and do it fast, but when I do I’m told that I […]

I keep seeing these signs saying “suicide is never an option.” But they’re wrong, pretty much the opposite is true it is always an option…. Maybe a difficult option, one that makes people sad .. but an option damn it. Normally I’d try to hold onto it and vent later but this fact has literally kept me alive.

Because if you convinced me I was losing that option, I’d charge for that exit with all speed. Because otherwise I’m trapped. I can only keep procrastinating death, keep those plates spinning as long as the door out is unlocked .

It also brings up another issue: people seem […]

Something in me is continually breaking. Like falling down a ladder and breaking every rung on the way down. Even at my worst, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like this. There’s a crackling coming from inside me somewhere like a growing fire, but not the warm, comfortable kind. Not the driving kind. Not the motivating kind. It’s the kind that’s going to burn my house down and take me with it. I don’t have the energy to find the source and extinguish it. Every plan i make backfires. Every exit I try to take slams shut. It’s time to settle in. Lay down and […]

Wrote this back in October, but I still seem to feel this way, more melancholy but still:

It’s not working.
None of this is working.
It’s my fault of course. I am the one making the shitty decisions to fuck myself over. Over and over again.
Burdening the few people who give a shit about me.
I can’t keep going like this.
If I give up, that’s it. I’ll be forced to go back home and stay with my grandma or something, because I won’t have any money for anything else. Things will be the lowest they’d ever been, and that will be that. I will […]