The hardest thing is being so tired all the time. They all say to get outside, that experiences are the rungs with which to climb out of these dark times. My armor is too heavy to lift, the joints too rusted to bend, it splinters off, catching under the fingernails of the people around me- invisible and uncomfortable. When I was 9 my father died. When I was 11 my mother’s boyfriend was verbally and physically abusive. When I was 17, the “good man” my mother left the abusive one for cheated and divorced her. By 20 I was the subject of abuse in the […]
Category:
Rants
So about a month ago I switched from mental health institution. My first impression by my new mental health institution was really good, they were really understanding and REALLY listened to me. So I said that I thought that EMDR-therapy would probably (saying that to every therapist I meet for 2 years now, but nobody wanted to do that) and a week ago I started with that. I’m so glad that they finally listened to me, because I see so much improvements already after 3 sessions. And also my parents do. And also this institution confirm my feeling that I have PTSD. I still have […]
I’ve never really seen the point of self harm, but a few days ago, I started biting my hand to take my mind off things. I could concentrate on the pain instead of worrying. It just occurred to me today that what I was doing was self harm. I never bite hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough to leave a red mark by the end of the day, and I can’t seem to stop. I know I should stop, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to be a burden on my friend anymore. He helped me when I was recovering from […]
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/tmp_02-the_front_bottoms-maps-2076840222.mp3 Every day is the same repetition of mundane tasks at work and the same panic and emptiness waiting in the background until I am alone with my thoughts. I’m out of friends, out of dreams, and out of hope. My motivation is so non-existent that I can’t even go through with my plans for suicide. It’s too much work to write the notes and find a place and get everything in order first. Last time I was spontaneous and tried all I got was a sore neck and face full of mud. The only thing I look forward to anymore is getting so […]
I failed my second quarter of college. I failed my parents. I failed my siblings. I failed myself. The fact that I actually tried. Like I really tried.. to see F … F … F … on my transcript just made me sick to my stomach. It’s like a waste of time, money, mental health. I’m subject for disqualification now and I don’t know how to handle this. I’ve never failed a class before. Let alone THREE all at once. I have no one to blame but myself.
I can’t take it anymore I really wanna kill myself but can’t get the courage to do it…. I cut myself sometimes and I’ve been huffing Lysol so I don’t have thk think about things but now I’m really at my lowest and just wanna end it. I’m going to hang myself but need to get the courage cuss I’m a lil *****.
Why is it still snowing!? I’m in Michigan and I, more than ever, need some sunlight and some relief from the snow… but it just won’t quit. At least give me a good scary thunderstorm to appreciate.
Otherwise… I’m trying Lexapro and it’s taken a month to finally kick in (I think). I only realized it when I noticed I was humming a song at work. I never do that.
You’d think I’d be into the clear but I can’t seem to let my exit bag / tank go. I don’t want to get rid of it. It gives me strength and security to deal with my […]
Im done. Im so ready to kill myself. I just want to go on a hike with my good friend 9mm and never return. My desire to die is stronger than my desire to live. Im not sure how I survived so long, maybe it was because Im living for others, but how long can that last? Eventually I have to to be selfish right? Im tired of being suicidal for the past 8 years, I don’t think it will ever get better.
“There’s so much I could be doing.
So much that I want to do—even if I don’t know what it is that I want to produce.
But I can’t go faster than I’m already going and I’d rather die than stop but… where else is there to go?
I’m so… so scared of lying still and yet too mortified to switch gears.
Now all I do is linger.
In bed.
At the dinner table.
In the shower.
Everything happens but me.
And if it keeps up, I’m going to die this way… having gone in every direction
—but not having reached a single finishing line.”
Looking around at friend’s and family I see a cycle, one I don’t want it makes me depressed. Everyone grows up and lives in cookie cutter homes has kids and slaps on a smile. I don’t want that, I don’t want to get sucked into society’s vortex. I want to be a nurse and work all the time. I feel like since i’m girl my family has the same expectations, grow up, get married, kids. I just want my cat and me, and to help people. I don’t want anyone’s expectations. I feel like i’m a burden to my boyfriend, a disappointment to my family. […]
So, past few weeks have been hell. I have been having extreme bursts of anger/violence. It isn’t me, it isn’t me at all. I’m a good girl and now… in less than two weeks time I was taken to ER in handcuffs in back of cop car (released same night) I had to talk to a therapist in a cheap hospital gown naked. I’d rather they strapped me in the chair as long as I would’ve got to keep my clothes on.
Anyways, cut to this morning … my dad was in my room and called me names and screaming and what have you… he barricaded […]
And in the darkest night
If my memory serves me right
I’ll never turn back time
Forgetting you, but not the time.
I feel this urge at least once a day and think of a new way that i could leave, get away from all of this. Pills, drugs, blades, ropes, buildings, nothing uncommon really. If I’m gonna go, then that girl who told me “cut a little deeper next time’ will feel satisfied with herself. She will know that she has won, because I am too weak to fight. Who’s to say she won’t do it to another person, and another, how long before it’s to much? How many people have to die before someone cares? These are peoples lives we’re talking about here, and they […]
I was told once, before we’re born we choose to come into this life. Told the possibilities of life are endless, you can do anything you put your mind to. Why is it that life contradicts that very statement. From a young age were forced to see the realities of what this life really is. A place where judgement of others is more important than judgement of one’s self. Where the rich strive and prosper and the poor struggle. Where the only peace you can find is in the bottom of a bottle. Or with a complete stranger, it seems the closest to you have […]
After being beaten and abusea by my step farther I run away from home. i spent 2 years sleeping rough before they found me. Refusing to go home he beat me again, this time rupturing my spleen. I was in hospital over 2 months. No one came to visit No contact from any one. Sum years later I am still bitter and angry. I have a gross scar that take up most my chest and can’t take my shirt off without people looking and asking questions. I don’t sleep well and often wake up screaming. I struggle to make friends, trust people an have been […]
Hi. I’m Dolly. I’m going to attempted to explain ME through things that I hate.
Enjoy.
I hate when people say if you wanted to die you would have killed yourself already.
I hate when people think I’m too pretty to REALLY commit suicide.
I hate when I try to talk to someone about my world it doesn’t seem important.
I hate when my boyfriend beats me. Then makes me prostitute after.
I hate being his prostitute.
I hate when an abusive step dad goes”unnoticed”
I hate animal abusers.
I hate that my friends can commit suicide but I can not.
I hate when my boyfriend slaps me […]
I don’t know if I’m depressed, or just going through some seriously effed up hormonal phase that all teenagers go through. To be honest, I have nothing to complain about. My parents fight, sure, but it’s not like bottles are being thrown around the house. Except I remember one night my dad punched down his bedroom door. But my dad usually isn’t like that. That was a first. He’s no drunk either , and he loves me. I’m pretty sure about that. My mom and I don’t like each other. She has a maternal love for me, and that’s about it. I understand that. I love her […]
Where do I turn when no one will listen?
The suicide hotline is of no use to me.
If I attempt to call them, I’ll just be referred to a mental health facility.
My family?
They don’t understand. I tried to talk about my problems stemming from my depression. Their responses: Why do you feel that way? Why can’t you get over it?
My girlfriend I could never talk to about this.
Even though I care about her deeply, Â she doesn’t understand. I talk to her about this, she makes jokes about suicide and cutting.
So I ask,
Where do I turn when no one will listen?
It’s been a while since I came on here before yesterday, and my taste has changed and I can feel the zopiclone entering my brain right this moment so odds are I won’t be able to spell check. I was just looking for him. We never spoke much but I saw him around helping people and saying profound things and I really respected him and admired his impac
t. Is he still going? Is he alive? Umm.. wow, this stuff is more powerful than I remember. Shame I don’t get hallucinations. Anyway has anyone seen him? I miss him.
Dawg, if you’re reading this. We […]
… and it really helps with my depression.
I’m a 28-year-old living in Las Vegas. I was first “diagnosed” as clinically depressed when I was 12 years old; but I feel like I’ve been sad most of my life.
Up until recently, my life was completely shut down by my depression – I never got dressed, left my room, ate… there was some self-harm… I was consumed with thought of suicide and self-mutilation, but I managed not to act…
I entered out-patient treatment 3 months ago. On anti-depressants which seem to be helping… but, the real life-style change I’ve made is smoking weed from sun-up till bed time.
I’ve […]