hey folks, wow, what a crazy, emotional day.sun has gone down,the ex has left, and the anxiety has eased somewhat. we were able to get the big stuff out, and now can cocentrate on the little stuff. the important stuff is safe. how sweet the quiet. how sad the heart.it was good. my son and his girlfriend came and helped. the ex did not bother to tell me that they were coming. totally lost it when i saw him. he was great and really enjoyed having them here. embarrased of course.no self confidence or esteem. basically feeling pretty low. but also relieved. some of the […]

I’m surprised to find myself on here. I don’t even know what it’s going to prove. I’m just so incredibly tired. Of everything. I wish I could die, because living here and now seems pointless. Many people would probably tell me I have no reason to want to die. They’re probably right. I’m probably just a spoiled little brat who should be grateful for all the things I have. Yet death seems so much more soothing to me.

I’m an actress, or rather, I used to be one. Ever since I was a small girl, I wanted to perform professionally. It was my dream. Everyone wants […]

Some of you might  disagree or not believe this story but its the  TRUTH.

A lot of doctors and psychiatrists are NOT even aware themselves just how terrible psychiatric meds are because they are misinformed or lied to from the drug companies which FUND Psychiatry itself. Psychotropics made me very helpless against my depression and some could have permanently disfigured me.  They lowered my inhibitions  and I did things which I permanently regret now. I was prescribed 16 different psych meds at different times in the last 6 years.

You should all consider reading MEDICATION MADNESS by Dr. Peter Breggin. a Psychiatrist who is FIRMLY against psychiatric medications. The book changed my life , […]

I became 100 days clean from cutting on December 11,2014. I never thought that I’d make it. My best friend helped me get to this special day and he’s helped me stay on the right path. He’s so proud of me.

Today is now December 21,2014 and I am now 110 days clean.

I want people who are having struggles trying to stay clean to know that it’s okay. Anything is possible with the right support and guidance. Set goals for yourself. Believe in yourself.

There will be days when it gets hard and all you want to do is cut. I mean I still want […]

I have no more tolerance for the suicidal. Suicide is for cowards. It is for those who don’t want to take the hard path of confronting their fears. It is the combination of selfish interests and narcissistic self pity. It is the belief that you cannot possibly make the world a better place without feeling good. It is the dirty secret festered in incognito tabs on our devices and in private looming thoughts and plans. It is lazy and presumptuous- it expects love and attention without making the effort to dish it out to others in need. It is a liar that goads you affectionately […]

I feel alone and lonely these last few months I became very sensible and I had changed in my character . I feel tired in my head and in my body . I just feel like crying and something is killing me from inside. I had really thought about it and I think suicide is my the best solution .I can see everyone is getting love only me. I can see everyone is having new accomplishments in their lives only me. sometimes I think if I was living or not its the same thing. and I am the kind of person who hides their […]

the time has arrived. moving stuff out. trying to push through the pain,the anxiety, the fear. she is so strong. so angry with me.deservedly so. she does not recognize how hard i tried. blind to my pain and loss. at least she has somewhere to go, and something to be. she will be safe and able to move foreward from the pathetic excuse of a husband she was with for so long. why is it wrong for me to want to die? what is so important about my existence? i think the normal people need us around to justify their happiness. ” if you dont […]

I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
there’ll be no more lies
there’ll be no more lies

-Radiohead

Last night i was so angry with myself that i broke my glasses with my bare hands. I’ve started cutting again after 2 months of being clean. Of course my girlfriend had to see my wrists and she said i broke a promise to her and she did not want to ever speak to me again… she claims i broke her trust by cutting. She doesn’t seem to understand that cutting isn’t something i can just turn on and off again, and that i don’t cut for attention or to make her mad… she hates that i smoke weed (????) and she hates […]

Okay so we have broke up its been a week and a bit and did we just spend the night together? you in my arms, feeling your heartbeat on my chest stroking your cheek, your neck, you. Why do I let this happen to us? I don’t know how you feel but I feel nothing just frozen in place remembering how we kissed and how soft your face was. I need to know was there any feeling? I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to kill myself and once I’m in the act of doing so, I freeze and I cant? Why can’t I be one of the people that get hit and runned and shot by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Why can’t I own a gun and place the cold metal barrel to the side of my head and with a slight movement…end it all; for once and for all. Do I pity my mom and feel sorry that all her children bring her disappointed and frustration is that it and ending myself make it hit rock bottom? Im tired and […]

So this is my second post here. Could be my last. My previous post I mentioned how I said something dumb to my friends whilst I was high n drugged. It sounded gay I know they told other people about it. For the last two months this has been affected me. I been ashamed to go to gym, couldn’t function at work. My two friends which I normally hang out with would call me to meet on weekends but I would make excuses until two nights ago. They messaged me saying that they are going out to dance n are going to meet other […]

How many pills does it take to stop the human heart….

This is not my own, but it’s so beautiful, wanted to share….

Linger now with me, thou Beauty,
On the sharp archaic shore.
Surely ’tis a wastrel’s duty
And the gods could ask no more.
If thou lingerest when I linger,
If thou tread’st the stones I tread,
Thou wilt stay my spirit’s hunger
And dispel the dreams I dread.

Come thou, love, my own, my only,
Through the battlements of Groan;
Lingering becomes so lonely
When one lingers on one’s own.

I have lingered in the cloisters
Of the Northern Wing at night,
As the sky unclasped its oysters
On the midnight pearls of light;
For the […]

That is the question.

Do you guys ever dread going to bed, no matter how tired you might be, because you know once you get there you will be attacked by fear, sadness, loss, emptiness, and gut wrenching wailing, sobbing, the kind of crying where you don’t care if the neighbors can hear you, where the tears and snot soak your pillow, where you just can’t stop no matter how long it goes on, how hard it hurts, you’re locked in a fetal position, terrified, petrified, and lost..

To my friends, thank you for being there for me. I enjoyed our chats. I’m sorry I haven’t been around the last couple months. I thought about you often, and wish that I could have had time to come on here and be a “regular” again. You helped me through some difficult stuff, and just talking about it with you guys and hearing opinions was very helpful.

To those who are struggling with this life: try not to give up hope. Things CAN get better. Many of you are just in bad situations. Bad situations that are TEMPORARY. As the old quote goes “Don’t fix a […]

im tempted to take these tablets  maybe theyll help the hurt go. maybe if i buy more, space them out over a couple of days make it look like an accident like i didn’t mean to do it. idk.

Dad, I tried… I tried to stop you… I cut your noose you’ve prepared on the balcony to try to stop you from hanging yourself, then I pulled the knife from your hands 3 times, but the 4th time you managed to slit your throat… I’M SORRY! I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH! I’M SORRY I PUSHED YOU TO THE GROUND AND SWEARED AT YOU WHEN YOU TRIED TO HIT MOM, BUT I SAW NO OTHER WAY! PLEASE DON’T DIE! NOT ALONE! I AM SORRY FOR THREATENING YOU WITH THE KNIFE WHEN YOU TURNED TOO VIOLENT! PLEASE JUST DON’T DIE! I BEG YOU! :(((((((((((((((((((

FUCK I HATE THIS!!! […]

Another beautiful evening in my family. As usual, my dad threatens to kill himself, and my mother says he can do it, because she can’t take it anymore. After that, he turns violent and starts smashing things… It’s a mystery to me how he managed to smash so many things in so little time… Tonight is different though… He’s serious about commiting suicide… And quite frankly, I don’t give a flying fuck anymore… Go and hang yourself, you pathetic drunk asshole… Old violent and manipulative ************… He wanted my mom to have an abortion when she was pregnant with me, then, he rejected me as […]