In younger days, when I thought my life was truly bad and even wasted, I casually thought of killing myself. Of course, I wasn’t being realistic. I had never experienced loss. I was alone but healthy, I was in debt but employed, and most importantly, I couldn’t leave my daughter alone with my death.

My daughter kept me alive for 24 years. She was my best reason to stay alive.

“You can have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.” – Hurt, Trent Reznor

I used to cry when I heard that song, thinking I could relate. I never needed ‘stuff’. Thinking I could do everything on my own. […]

I made one of these yesterday, and I thank everyone on here for being so supportive. But, it’s really gotten to me now, I have a suicide plan. I’m going to get a bottle of my heart medication and take it all. I’m probably going to do it before Christmas. I know I shouldn’t and that there is help out there for people like me. I guess I’m just not sure if I want help anymore. I mean, there is always going to be someone who hates me for being me, right? How am I supposed to know I will find someone else like me anyways? That I […]

Decided i’m going to go all out on a final attempt tonight, “double the dose and half the space”.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on this forum, I didnt create this account until very recently but I have been reading your posts for a very long time. They have given me strength and kept me going throughout the worst moments of my life to date.

I wish all of you well in the future, I hope that the pain dissipates for anyone that is sufferring, and to all of you who provide selfless support to others, I salute you.

Thanks again.

Just a glimpse into my ordinary life…I was at work just like every other day and decided to check my personal email on my phone during lunch. A funny yet perverted friend of mine found a craigslist ad and receive various semi-nude and nude photos from the person and he sent them to me. This is nothing new but in the pictures, the background items seemed familiar. I ask him to forward the email chain to me and I pulled the metadata from the pictures and they were taken at the same time as my wife was at a friend’s house out-of-state and the make […]

About a year ago I was had a casual relationship with the best person I have ever met and probably the only person I have loved in my 22 years. One night we hung out and got really drunk and I did a couple of lines of cocaine and smoked some pot and we ended up having sex not for the first time. I got way to exploratory and tried anal with her she said it hurts and then later stop but I didn’t because I am a **** human being. She forgave me and was more angry after I cut myself out of her […]

I’m disgusted with the idea that i might want your attention, but it’s your attention that helps and your help is disgusting because i’m disgusting for needing help. Help!

I have felt so distant lately even though I know my isolation could ruin the few relationships I have, I can’t stop myself. Do they really care? I hope not. So many times I have heard people say that they only want to be loved but all I ever wanted was to be forgotten COMPLETELY. Not in this stagnant state of conditional love. It would make the transcendence so much easier. I linger in the shadows so that I am overlooked and I won’t have to answer questions or ask them. I inquired for help in a moment of weakness, of fear. I have come […]

Can someone please kik me, well can a girl kik me. I have some questions and I need a girls perspective on my questions. Comment your email and I will email my kik to you.

I feel sick with it. Sometimes it’s a big empty whole, sometimes the whole fills with a nausiating meloncholy substance formed of some vile nostalgia. My eyes see only ugliness. A waste land. And my body crawls across it’s filth. Motivated by someone else’s idea of hope. To reach what? perhaps another minute, or better yet a minute left behind. Another moment of agony I’ve put behind me. There are moments of another nature however. I’d say the suffering isn’t worth them, but what the hell. Water is so much better when your thirsty.

I want to be loved,

I want to be a good dad

I want to be strong

I want to be creative

I want to be healthy

I want to be happy

I want to be normal

“sorry son. Here’s a beer while you watch other people with those things through this window. enjoy yourself”

I dont understand 🙁
I feel like im useless, all i want is to be successful.. People say that if you work hard enough and invest yourself fully in what you want that you will be successful but what about the hobo on the corner? He wanted to be an artist and spent all his money on his art and droped out of school to proceed his pasion.. He failed.. And he gave it his all.. How do i know that wont be me?

Sometimes I’m so tired. I can’t focus my eyes. I barely sleep. My days are a chain of endless blurs. I don’t remember much. I smoke because it makes me feel tough like a soldier fighting a war. Every moment is a battle. It is sometimes perforated by bits of light or a funny moment. I cling to it as it fades and slips through my fingers like the vapor of something once solid.

Sample xx06

On to the next sound, cure my ailment, my illness
Forever a shattered machine
Let me drink the liquid and party on
What can I do, what can I do
I need the bounty, together unity
From the depths of a darkness
Je suis Albator from the bottom of the world
Throw me off the precipice, leap of faith or perish
Who can save me, who can save me
Back, up to the North
By the fire, by the fire, and our claws and silver
I haven’t drank cold gold-beer my entire life
Let me glide, escapade into higher-grounds
A grand a month, into […]

I don’t know if I could handle it anymore, I’m dying of love and also of hope. I am afraid that I’ll do something to end this soon. T_T

“I just hope that one day – preferably when we’re both blind drunk – we can talk about it.”– J. D. Salinger

I didn’t want to post here again , but it was one of those days that sucker punch you for waking up.  Takes the piss out of you for walking outside.  Then, it finishes you with a swift kick to the birds with a spring sticking out of your driver seat in the car.

I try very hard to smile much of the time when dealing with people.  I want them to see me as happy, I guess.  It isn’t as though it matters.  Today, […]

Can’t sleep
Can’t sleep
Can’t sleep
Can’t sleep
So many Fucking thoughts about stupid fucking bull shit that I shouldn’t even give a fuck about but I do because that’s me and I’m a fucking idiot and I do whatever the fuck my mind tells me because I don’t know how to fucking tell it no… NO!!NO!!NO!!
Why does nothing ever fucking work out?!?! Why is everyone so fucked over in life?! Why do the ass holes and dick fucks get away with everything and the nice people get stuck with the shitty end of the fucking stick!!!! Omg!!!! Fucking shoot me I’m so tired […]

Turn around and go home. Home, indeed, but not the traditional home as most people think, i.e. your literal home. This thing is broken. Turn around and go home. To nonexistence. Indeed, nonexistence would be a beautiful state to be in, if, in fact, you could even consider it a state of being. How do you even define nonexistence? No feeling, at all (mentally). No sounds. No colors, though I already know what that’s like. Nothing to smell, or taste, or touch. In fact, would perceiving the perception that you don’t experience any of […]

I’m so tired of everyone. All the obligations and responsibilities I inevitably have being the oldest child. Though I don’t think I am a child anymore. I have so many expectations to constantly live up to, and when I don’t, I become a failure in my familys eyes. I have a habit of not finishing what I start. School, by some miracle I graduated, though I wasn’t allowed to attend graduation or promotional because instead of expelling me, they just told me to not come back the last month of school in order to get my diploma. I went to the military after that. I […]

Hi

I’m sharing my story, because it seems to make me feel better, which I’d guess is point of this site.

I’ve always had sensitivity, anxiety, and depression issues, (undiagnosed), but often medicated with once drugs and nowadays alcohol as a have a kid which has straightened me out some. I’ve managed to keep a good job, but have generally isolated myself. I’ve had thoughts of suicide in the past, but i’ve generally managed to form some kind of stability in work, sleep overs with my kid and the occassional binge drinking episode. A lonely existance, yet stable for me and also held together with a little […]