Always the nihilist

I have felt so distant lately even though I know my isolation could ruin the few relationships I have, I can’t stop myself. Do they really care? I hope not. So many times I have heard people say that they only want to be loved but all I ever wanted was to be forgotten COMPLETELY. Not in this stagnant state of conditional love. It would make the transcendence so much easier. I linger in the shadows so that I am overlooked and I won’t have to answer questions or ask them. I inquired for help in a moment of weakness, of fear. I have come to regret that decision. All it did was reveal my wounds to people so that they could hit the vital spots when needed. I have no one to blame but myself. Don’t assume that my story is the same as yours, that my cancer is benign as yours was because it never started with a once upon a time or a sudden turn of unfortunate events. I was plagued by a curse that can’t be solved with a fairy tale ending and I grow weary of those that claim I can persevere. If I was strong I would not have failed. I never belonged here….from the beginning they made that clear. I’ve waited so long to evaporate, I can taste the freedom on my lips salty like tears. It’s too late to act as if I garner any importance. My menial existence was but a smudge of dirt on the pavement, so easily remedied. Yes, they have won: those that made me the phantasm. I am no longer reluctant in that admission. Yet I’d be a fool to deny any blame in that transformation.