I’m just thinking and looking for other thoughts on something. The “something” is a quote: “Sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” What comes to mind when I read this and mulled it over a bit … typical nonsense Hallmark-esque crap. Maybe it’s just me, though, which is why I hope to hear some different perspectives. It seems childish to “put up walls” just for the sake of finding out who gives a shit, much like “playing hard to get” in dealing with a potential romantic interest. If I’m putting up walls, […]

I have offically liquidated all assets. Erased all memory of my existance. What I leave behind are peoples memories, and a beautiful child. I’m The last of 5, I was ignored. Made my existance and recognition on my time. I seriously lived life to my fullest. It has now collapsed after 18 yrs. For months ive debated how. No one is going with me, seriously, not my style. Ive lived alot and had a lot ive called my own. With no serious plan for the future other than day by day, I realize my error. We choose who we are. I lived in secrets and […]

I find it grossly unfair that if I had a terminal illness I would be discussing its ramifications with my daughter and preparing her for my demise. But because I intend to depart by my own hand, I have to stay silent and she’ll have to endure the shock and the potential lifetime effects of not only my death, but having no preparation for it. All of the questions she’ll have later I would gladly answer now, but that’s against the rules.

My mother is a narcissist. My mother is a professional victim. My mother is a fine actress although she’s never been on stage. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to breathe without her permission, input, critique, or criticism. She convinced people that she was a loving mother — a little overprotective, perhaps — but a loving mother and a devoted, long-suffering wife. All that came out of her mouth were sighs of her having to endure my volatile father and her shit daughter. Not my sister — she went to medical school so she’s an expert on every subject. I’m the lawyer, and hence, the moron in the family. My daughter and I […]

it’s scary

not knowing what’s on the other side

not knowing how the exit will go

some claim to know the answer

but they profess their belief and not a fact

in my mind it swirls

will i be in pain?

will i linger?

i imagine all black on the other side

no feeling, no emotion, no individual consciousness

there’s no joy or accomplishment or love

but there’s no fear or pain or anger either

i would make that trade

the grass does seem greener on that other side

am i wrong?

can i do better for myself over here?

the neutrality of death is appealing

on this side i’m a pessimist

over there it’s not possible

while all of experience might be expressed […]

These thoughts might be just temporary. They might not be. But I’m really mad. So what’s the point of living if I’m just doomed to be under my annoying ass parents for a very big chunk of my life that matters to me? Here’s the thing I have these really big ideas to become more and more independent from them but they won’t let me go through with them. They think they know better than me but they don’t. They think I have no idea what I’m talking about but that’s a load of bullshit. I’d rather take away my own life then be with […]

He left me because I was depressed and he couldn’t cope with it.
That fact hurts in itself, because I never asked to feel like this and I hate it too.
I asked for just one chance, that was all, to prove to him that things could be different; I’d given him many throughout our relationship.
He said no. He said he didnt even want to try.
It’s been a month or so, and he hasn’t contacted me at all.
I’ve tried so hard to make things up but every attempt I’ve made, he’s ignored.
We were best friends for seven years before we got […]

Seven lions has some good stuff. Sometimes I try to listen to upbeat music to get that .0000003 seconds of euphoria before the demons of depression hiss in great anguish before killing it.

Most indoor cats are the luckiest beings on earth. Well besides, models, billionaires, (insert: anyone you think is very lucky).

As a cat I would get all the affection and love I’ll ever want. I would not be rejected cause I am hairy and shed everywhere. Food would always be there when I want. I may even reject it and quickly it will be changed for a different meal. I may even gain weight. But as a cat I would still get carried, hugged, and never criticized for my huge belly. I would always have a roof over me to keep me dry, warm, and out […]

A week and a day ago, I has handed instructions to “walk toward the light.” I fell out of bed. I went into respiratory failure. I was eventually transported to the hospital and briefly pronounced dead. Except for the physical pain of getting myself back into bed repeatedly, the shallow panic breathing I could not control and discovering I had shat myself and lay in it most of the night I remember nothing and felt very little.

I am quite sad now that I am here today to  speak of it. I am now in far more pain than ever and much weaker than before yet […]

I lay in bed feeling lonely…my days go by feeling lonely…I’m surrounded my people that ‘care’ for me and ‘love’ me- yet I still feel lonely…I’ve just realised how fast years go by when you feel empty.

I have so much to give and I try so hard yet no one shows as much back! As hard as I try it’s never good enough, never a nice word of encouragement but words of hurt and degradation are out on me. I try and try…but nothing- it’s all loneliness, emptiness and worthless!

That time will come when I’ve had enough and I end all the pain and suffering! […]

¿What’s the point of having me at your feet?  If my today, my tomorrow lost the battle of your yesterday.

Well ive been here almost a month. I found this sight to realy help me.

But yea here is my full introduction.

Hi my name is julien nicholas vetter. Im a 15 year old boy I live in south africa. Johannesburg,  guateng. im a musician and play almost all instruments.

I cut myself very often. I am a honors in math, science, home economic,  and creative writing (poetry).

And ive found no reason any more to continue.

Ive attempted suicid many times. And I ran away from home many more times.

Im sick of life. I often think life made as a si k joke when it got bored. And said […]

i told you i couldn’t hang out, not that i didn’t want to. You wanted to party, i wanted to die. You thought i was happy and so did i. but little did we know happy wasn’t for me. i wanted to cry. i wanted to die. there was always something in me asking me why. i didn’t know what to say but then i realized that it was everything about me. My hair, my eyes, my legs, arms, my stomach, my chest, back, feet, my hands. It was the way i talked, the way i walked. i never thought i was good enough. i […]

Simply put, I think it’s all crap. Not the things, good and bad, that have happened in my life thus far. Heavens no, that won’t do at all. What’s crap is that people sincerely believe that I should be “happy” that I’m alive. I was given a life (that I never asked for, by the way), and I now it’s apparently mandatory for me to be thankful for that fact. I’m not here to blame my parents for being arrogant pricks and assuming that the child they created would be happy with this “gift of life” that he never asked to receive. Blaming others for […]

I quit. I can’t save people, I can’t talk to people, I can’t love people right, I can’t do it. I’m done.

Fuck everything. Fuck the images replaying in my head. Fuck my fucked up choices.

And no matter how much love and care you give to people they’re going to chew you up and shit you out. They never take you serious enough. There’s a quote I read….”A lot of you cared, just not enough.”

I’m going to start cutting everyone off now. It saves me the pain later. And this God I’m supposed to believe in knows I’m tired of it.  Done being strong for everyone […]

Thats is, im going to kill myself. And my mother is to blame, she has made my life so miserable that i cant even take it anymore. They always think im lying an im not, they make me not even want to talk to them , then when i dont talk to them, i get in trouble, so im never going to have even a day that im not in trouble. Im going to just explode. My soul is chipping away from the world and my life is worth nothing more than dirt. My heart cant take this emotional roller coaster, im going […]

I turned 50 today. My daughter turned 13 today. We ate at the Rainforest Cafe. The waitstaff brought out two cupcakes, each with a lit candle. I was told to make a wish, but none came to mind except, “I wish I would die.”

Now at 23, this summer will mark a full decade of long standing depression, at least from the clinical diagnosis. I can’t remember my emotions any younger than that, since my upbringing was filled with abuse and solitude. I find myself wondering, is this it? Year after year I find myself surprised at how time passes and the fact that I’ve managed to unhappily  live through another year. And it scares me. Will I just be floating on through life like this until I’m forty, fifty, sixty?

Though I’ve only been in treatment (meds, psychologists, hospitals)  for five years, I don’t know what more I can […]