I honestly belive I am horrible person. I sometimes think about death, and wanting to kill myself, but not very seriously, so I wouldn’t consider myself suicidal. Still, I need to talk to someone because I would never tell my family or friends any of this, so obviously I have turned to the web to vent. I honestly think I ruin everything. Everything I do wether it’s little or small, I always manage to screw up. I feel like everything’s my fault. I keep trying and trying but still I feel like everything is just not turning out. And honestly I am tired of screwing […]

My dad and I had an argument last night… He might split me and my girlfriend… He said he’s gonna find me counselling for my suicide… If I lose her, I’m gonna need more than counselling and to stop me.

just gonna wait and see for now and while i’m at it i’ll “work” a bit

i need someone to shut my brain
and turn on my heart

First of all, since this is my first post, I would like to thank the dear reader for its time reading this at all!
First about me…I am 20 years old, and attend university where I study engineering. Relationships never worked out for me. Long distance was the one that really lasted more than a year. Anyhow, I do not want to talk about my break up or anything like that. It is not relevant.

What I would like to talk about are opportunities. What are you doing with your life? Why are you still here? What makes you keep going?

You are in the middle of […]

Short-drop suspension is the way to go. Slip knot on the rope to tie it around my neck…That works fine.

…But I’m not sure how to tie the other end to something. What you guys think? How can you do that?

I just can’t do this. I keep trying and trying to just BEAR IT but I can’t.

I can’t bear it. Is this really what’s going to finish me off? THIS is going to be the reason my life ends? Over someone who doesn’t love me? That is one of the stupidest, most childish and facile things I have ever heard and yet it’s my life, it’s happening to me, I never thought in all these years struggling to stay alive with my disorder, praying sometimes I’d wake up in the morning, the loneliness, the money, jobs and time (so much time) all lost, the defeats […]

I’ve been commenting on a lot of you guys’ posts, and I feel like I haven’t really told my story on here. Trigger Warning: Some of the things might trigger self-harmful behavior, so please read with caution…As I begin this, I am sitting on a pile of pillows I’ve been using for a bed, drinking tea, and I’m about to light a smoke.

I grew up in Central California from 1996 (my birthyear) and moved in the summer of 2004. My parents had met when they were twelve, and stayed together until they were in their early twenties. I was about three when, out of the […]

all i want to do now is hurt myself more
or maybe just kill myself now
because i have done it and its bad
i dont know anything anymore
i dont know how to feel anymore
but at the same time i feel this great pain
and i dont know how to make it go away
i just want it to all stop but it cant
so maybe i will just hurt myself more
ill just keep making myself bleed
until one day i take it too far and bleed to my death
then maybe the pain will go away
who knows.

How can one person feel so much pain?  Why is it that others can be at peace, but some of us are afflicted with this never-ending turmoil? All I feel for all these decades is pain, so much pain.  When will the pain and suffering end??

I last posted in February, and I haven’t really been active since then, just trying to get better I suppose. In my previous post, I shared with you all about my suicide attempt with bleach. It was a terrible decision on my part and I regret it deeply now. Looking at all the pain it caused for the ones I loved, it was honestly one of the worse things I have done.

But now I am getting better. I had posted before about how I was losing my emotions and how I couldn’t cry anymore. Now I can shed tears, which I have now […]

So I’m not ready to die yet, but I don’t feel much like dealing with life all the time. I just want to sleep all my free time away. I hate weekends, too much time to think. But my sleep cycle is completely normal, sadly (haha).
So I’ve been thinking of taking sleep aids to just force myself to sleep all day. I just want to eat and go back to bed on days I don’t have work or school. Breaks are unbearable… Somedays I can see friends, but not always, and being by myself just makes me think too much and I can’t stop […]

I’m not for sure how I want to go. I really want to just die and the only way I can do it right now is cutting too deep and I’m scared that I won’t cut deep enough and I will just have big cuts on my arms. I either don’t want them there or I do but I would rather be dead, ya know? Like I don’t want anyone to find out that I tried to kill myself. Anyway I’ve looked for sleeping pills but I can’t find any. All I can find are 4 bottles of freaking ibuprofen. I really just want to […]

cut again tonight, but it’s the same half-healed one from last time, so no new scars…technically

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Linkin-Park-Iridescent.mp3So im just writing what has happened in my life so far.

Im Samantha Lee Castellano. I am currently 16. This is the real me here and now. Before i start let me add that i was molested at 5  and raped by one of my exs 2 different grade levels i dont remember what grade is when your five and the grades for the other thing is 3 and 5 . Ok now.

I started school a bit late due to my birthday. Once i started it was good till maybe about 1st grade. There was this girl who always bullied me cause well…… i […]

Title says it all. Would you leave a suicide note? Why? Why not?

I wrote this poem today, it sucks, but I haven’t written anything in weeks, so…

“I remember
When you looked at me
With those eyes
When I couldn’t help but
Idolize
When my heart began
To race.

And I remember
When I saw you
When your eyes
Had lost all light
When you stopped
Fighting the fight
When you lost yourself
And me

And now you’re gone
and I’m waiting
Waiting for you to come
back
Waiting to see those
eyes
Waiting to know if you’re
alive

Please come back
Please wake up
You’re still there
Lost, to be found
And I’m waiting
For you to come back.”

This was […]

i would love to kill myself right now.  I just can’t tolerate myself anymore. I have no desire for anything, Ive been carrying to much weight on my shoulders for so long.  I just cant keep going anymore. But Im just gonna go to sleep n live one more day

Im sorry for all that I have done. I cannot express how sorry I am about the inconvenience about the car crash, Im so sorry for all that I have done to everyone. The thing that makes me the most upset is that it could have been so much worse; I would not have been able to live with myself knowing that I put my friends in the hospital. I do not want to hurt people I want to help others; I do not know how I can forgive myself. Simple I do not think that I can forgive myself.  I love you all so […]

I want my family and those who cared to forgive me. I’m very sorry for what I’m going to do. I just want their lives to go on, and have them forgive and forget. I’m not sure if I should write anything down it might make it harder to understand if I don’t, but it might be more upsetting if I adress anything or anyone. I want them to know it’s my fault I’m a difficult teenager. It’s not worth living anymore and I’ve been selfish most of my life. I’ve always thought I was doing right, but really I’m doing wrong. It would be […]