The beginning, so they say, but there was never really a beginning at all. The beginning of my life cold have been when meeting Henry, as that was the day my eye sockets gaped, protruding into a world of color and hysteria -a step out of Kansas.  Was it as I lazed, ambition-less, aimlessly in the womb of my mother? Or was it even before that? I shrug at the idea of life itself, and it’s purpose on the most selfish species. I mean, in my belief, all we’re here to do is reproduce (an inconsistent purpose however, as it contributes to this over-populated shit hole) then […]

Ive been trying to stop thinking of her, but everything reminds me of her. I love her too much. On the upside, she doesn’t entirely want to avoid me, she worked out some arrangements so we can communicate even if I don’t have a phone or anything of the sort.
I hate myself for this. Why can’t I just accept the fact that she’ll probably never love me? It’s pointless to continue.

You don’t see
And it’s killing me

I punched me in the head really hard but not hard enough im not brave to punch me hard enough to cause concussion

I don’t feel like I’m in a good place right now. I don’t really remember ever feeling any particularly strong feelings towards anything, even when I have achieved something I wanted. Anything I would have considered a victory feels hollow.

I feel like I want to become close to somebody, I can picture myself talking to someone where we both know everything about each other and yet we pass no judgements. This could be because we know that we are in what is effectively a M.A.D situation and any sort of point scoring we could hope to achieve about each other could be instantly negated; and […]

I can’t move on.
I can’t let go.
I can’t stop it.
I can’t stop me.
I can’t go on.
I can’t stop hurting.
I can’t stop pain.
I can’t stop breaking.
I can’t stop crying.
I can’t stop hoping.

after not cutting for a two weeks, i did it again.

So I reply on bully posts often because I hate hate hate bullies. I dealt with them growing up and thought that in the mature world of adults that we would have moved on from this, but now I have a new bully. I didn’t realize until tonight. The first time we met I really believed that she was a ***** having a bad day. Now after she has apparently lied on me twice to my manager (my manager caught that), I no that she’s just simply got a problem with me. Of course I couldn’t care less if she likes me. However, if she […]

There’s a story of a little girl. She was kind and beautiful. And, happy. At least, she used to be. That was until middle school got to her. I remember the way her eyes lit up every single day. I remember how she spoke. Just one smile brightened everyone’s morning. She was fun. She was adventurous. She was confident.

There’s a story of a little girl. Who went home from school excited for tomorrow. She always did her homework the first chance she got. She was […]

At least I can make someone proud of me. It may not be you as a parent of me but it’s someone who acts more like a mother to me than you ever have. I’ve tried so hard for you to be proud of me and yet you’ve never said it. Soon I’m going to stop trying and give up but for now you still have a chance. I don’t know what else to do. So just so you know I’m done trying to please you I’m going to do everything in my own will to please the one person who acts like a mother […]

There’s a drug called Risperdal which is supposed to help people with schizophrenia and certain types of bipolar disorder. Today I saw  a commercial urging men who had developed male breast enlargement syndrome after using Risperdal to join a lawsuit against the drug company. The law firm, or team of lawyers had an easy to remember, toll free telephone number: 1-800-BAD DRUG. The advertisement featured a depressed looking male who looked like a teenager. He was sitting on the floor as he held his head in his hands. Apparently he wasn’t too happy about developing female breasts. Thankfully, all he has to do now is dial a toll […]

Laying here alone in bed

Staring the cuts on my legs

Wondering is it even worth it

Is it even worth living this life knowing everything is against you

Yes it’s worth it, you hear from everyone

But that one little voice in your head tells you its not

That little voice powers over everyone’s voice

Soon enough this life you live becomes dark lifeless emotionless

Listen to the noises around you

Listen as they fade away

Soon this life you live becomes over

Dead.

To all girls on SP. What would you do if you broke up with a guy you met right here and was together with for almost a year?
Would you block him and ignore him?
Would you try to forget about him?
Would you erase him from your life?

From my personal experience, the answer is yes. I still want to die even though I know it’s not the answer..

I think I work pretty hard to improve my life and then seemingly from a place I can only understand as the most subtle subconscious, I feel awful. This morning I asked God to take away the suicidal thoughts and I was granted a reprieve. I’m terrified of the prospect of trying to create some sort of life out of this I feel like there is a stake of fear driven through my heart.

Today, once everyone leaves me alone, I think I’ll cut. Nobody ever took away my knife when they found out about my depression.
I though I would stop cutting, but I really feel very guilty for some reason. I feel like I smother her. If I didn’t dive in too deep with her, if I didn’t fall so deeply into love with her, maybe she would still care for me. It’s my fault.

will write my notes and clean my room this weekend. it’s over. it’s time for my exit soon.

One day I’m gonna lose the war. Bradley Nowell, lead singer of one of my favorite bands sang these words. Sublime’s song poolshark is an amazing song I have played on my guitar and sang quite a bit. He was addicted to heroin. he eventually died on May 25, 1996.

I offten find myself singing theese words and thinking to myself, yep, it’s gonna happen to me. I’m going to lose the war, not with drugs, but rather depression. I choose not to drink or do drugs, because I don’t need that.
Today I took a test that once passed, you can graduate from […]

I haven’t left my apt in days, not since last Sunday.  I’ve run out of real food and have been subsisting on potato chips and other really bad junky food.  :/  Feel such crap about my life and me being depressed and not getting out isn’t helping.  I guess I’m too chicken to want to face the world.  So I hide in my little broken world.  Don’t want to see normal functioning people out and about, especially those annoyingly happy people.  Been sleeping during the day and awake all night. I’m barely functioning.

I’m tired of life…  🙁