Hi Guys,

It’s seems like it’s been a while since I’ve talked to you. Doesn’t it? It’s been only a week…

How are you guys? Hopefully better than I am…

How am I? Physically: Sore Mentally: Broken

My physical state… Is just sore… I’m so exhausted these days… I’m tired and I just don’t know what to do… My headaches aren’t that constant or daily, but I do get them often… I have more panic attacks these days… I have more break downs these days… I don’t know guys… I just don’t know anymore.

My mental state… […]

I have a long list of reasons I want to die. The main reason though is him. He was amazing and now he’s gone. I miss him. Why did he leave this world so early? Why did he choose to? I like him and now he’ll never know.

I’m new to this, so how do I begin? How does one simply begin to tell their story? Perhaps I’ll wait. Share little by little. My story is too long anyway… And it’s probably really boring.

I guess I should introduce myself, huh?
I’m Ciara, I’m Irish and I’m 15. What more can I say? Should I go into detail here?

I guess I could tell you a little about myself and about why I’m here.

I’m a writer. Obviously not a professional one. I mean… I am only 15… And I’m pretty terrible at writing. But I enjoy it. That’s all that matters, I guess. When I […]

i miss having conversations with intellectually stimulating people. hell, i miss the short ”hello, goodbye” conversations. i miss conversation

I’m so tired of being a fuck up. I’ve almost grown used to the depression now. She doesn’t like me because I’m depressed, and you know what? That makes me even sadder. Why do I even care? She loves someone else, I am simply a burden to her. But I keep talking to her. What’s wrong with me?

I felt fine almost all day. Somewhat normal, and able to handle things. Then I got home. Now I’m just extremely tired. I’m angry, at what I don’t know. I’m sad. I’m…me.

I could lie and say that everything gets better and life is amazing but that wouldn’t help. 3 Days ago I made a decision to take my own life, I bought a bunch of painkillers and vodka and thought I wanted to die… it didn’t work and I spent 2 days in the hospitals poison ward attached to a drip with a needle sticking outta my hand, I had to listen to my families reaction over a phone call and it killed me having to hear what I did to them, I will never forget the sounds of my mum crying, not knowing what happened. […]

2/22/14

Id like to be able to think ill wake up tomorrow and be happy and forget that i feel the way i do and have for the past years of my life. I know that wont happen. I often look at myself in disgust and think about how much I’ve fucked up. I waste to much time doing this when i should be doing this. My future seems like a hell hole. I don’t see me Completing any of my dreams because i just cant come to think i’m good at fucking anything and it makes me want to just fucking give up. I have […]

So this is a suicide letter I wrote to my best friend (Leaving her unknown because I’m protecting her identity. So lets just call her Anne and call me Rose. And if I say “I love you”, its friend love.) because I was really thinking about it that day.

February 8 2014

Dear Anne,

I honestly do not want to say this one word that means so many things, but this is my goodbye. I love you so much and I know you’re hurting too, but please don’t make the same mistakes that I’m making. I don’t want you to turn up the same way that […]

Surrounded by all the unknown
it seems that i am alone
As in the dark
noone speaks to me
And I
speak to noone

Yet no pain, no longing
no directions, no going
Only myself without itself
A self with no self

our life is together
our life has been forever
our time is never
never ending

places to go, things to do
words to speak
songs to sing

tears to cry

i tried so hard to make you proud of me
all i want is your love

im so alone
and so sad without you

am i dying?

i need you
i need my family

i just want to be happy

numbing the pain, but still being able to function

You don’t have to read the rest of this, I just couldn’t help myself once I started. The questions in the title!

Right now I want to die. I’ve never felt it this strongly before. But then that stupid feeling of how it will affect my family keeps creeping in. Any ideas on how to get over it.

I keep fantasizing about death. It makes me smile now. And I feel like I should kill myself now before the other girl comes back. The girl who is smarter, possibly. The girl who will always be too chicken to go through with it. But right now I need […]

I want to help others more.
Please email me at rochellecate@yahoo.com if you ever feel depressed or lonely.
I promise, I will be here for you. I’ll help you get through whatever you’re going through.
You are NOT alone. I’ll listen to you. I’ll be your friend. Please let me help you.

There’s a story of a little girl. She was kind and beautiful. And, happy. At least, she used to be. That was until middle school got to her. I remember the way her eyes lit up every single day. I remember how she spoke. Just one smile brightened everyone’s morning. She was fun. She was adventurous. She was confident.
There’s a story of a little girl. Who went home from school excited for tomorrow. She always did her homework the first chance she got. She was the loving sister, the helpful friend. She was Daddy’s Little Girl. The only things in her mind were her […]

Every time I close my eyes I see my self doing something I can’t possibly imagine ever doing. It’s as if death is the only way I could ever become happier. Suicide is something I would always be afraid of. Not until this year did I ever imagine it would be possible and not until about last month did I ever actually try it. Sometimes I feel like pills and blades and alcohol are my only friends, until I wake up bleeding or not remembering anything I did. Granted, I do have friends and family who love me but there words of encouragement are sometimes […]

It’s normal to have crushes and attractions to other people right? I know it’s alright, but I’m beginning to grow worried. A week or so ago I went out with a few of my friends, and my crush was there. He’s sweet, a bit shy but still very fun to be with. As they walked me to the bus stop his friends began asking him why he hadn’t asked me out yet (they all knew, even him). It all made me fairly uncomfortable so I chose to ignore it all. Every now and then before that I found myself thinking that he was MY reason […]

Every emotion we feel, all our efforts they are all in vain,

the outcome remains the same and we are still left with pain.

Nothing can truly save you no amount of love or care,

those things condemn you, they leave you in despair.

We aren’t alone open your eyes, all these tortured souls,

but we can’t because we’re so consumed in our own holes.

I love you and that love is what’s draining me dry,

it’s why I spend my days crying wishing I could die.

You feel like a ghost, but I can see you, the real you,

I’m screaming that I’m here, but you walk right through.

And yet everyday I wake […]

Ich bin Allein,

mein Herz zerrissen, mein Glück nur Schein,

meine Hoffnung verlor’n, meine Zukunft gewiss,

mein Ziel der Tod, dann Requiem in Cis.

Du Engel der Nacht,

hast Schmerz gebrochen, hast Flammen entfacht,

hast wirklich geliebt, hast Nähe gezeigt,

warst trotz der Fehler nie abgeneigt.

Wir beide vereint,

wo and’re belächelt, “Unmöglich!” gemeint,

wo Liebe die einzige Wahrheit bleibt,

egal, was die Sonne am Morgen treibt.

I just want to move on to the next life.