From time to time I still find myself overwhelmed and just wishing all was over. I fear this will never fully go away. It’s been building up for sometime now. Longer than normal, stronger than normal. Ever so slowly imploding. Back to drinking myself to sleep cause I really don’t know what else to do. Even that has it’s limitations. Work is what I use typically. Just focus on it day in day out. Let’s me simply ignore or avoid what I can’t handle or can’t control…….that’s becoming me now though.
The pain is still here. I can drown it out. I can muffle it. But I’m just a shell of a person wandering around. Withdrawn to where it feels more than awkward to be out and around people when it wasn’t so before. Opening back up on command isn’t as easy as shutting down anymore. Desire to end things lingers as well and always has. Thoughts of such are being provoked more often than not now. What do you do when you feel that you have more reason to leave than to stay? Given life more than a chance just existing for the past 2 years. It is exactly as I suspected it to be now from back then when I wanted to and decided to pull the trigger. Why go on anymore?
Ok, so suicidal thoughts linger. Will they ever totally dissipate? Perhaps or perhaps not. I don’t really know. If I had to say, I would lean towards they will lighten but never just go away. Once you learn know or relaize something, it’s not like you can just purposely unknow or unrealize it. The partial truth behind ingnore is bliss. So with acceptance of the fact I may never be able to fully revert from suicidal thoughts and desires leads me to the question of what can I do to cope with them? My mind running on the topic of ways to kill myself and “planning” but not actually planning with various methods can keep me awake more nights than I care. I’m a very reason based detail oriented analytic type person. Once the topic takes root it becomes an internal emotional and intellectual debate over why and how. Down to the finest details. And I’m really not looking to commit suicide currently. Anyways, I was hoping that maybe I could get some insight on ways that others have learned to cope with this if you can relate. Mabey by an action or activity or some type of therapy or medications or what? For I simply pour myself into work to leave me less time to accidentally be thinking on these things, but it keeps me on the border of exhaustion and throws me across that border very quickly with the hours I lose of sleeping due to these thoughts. I need a healthier and better way of coping with this.
Hello, this is Justin. I have been reading something’s here and there. I haven’t posted cause I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I found a couple different comments from people asking about me and looking for an update. Well I am alive. What happened was I didn’t go through with it. I called the police myself and they came over. The fire department took me to the hospital. I was there for a couple weeks. I have been out just over a month. I am trying. And that’s about it. I don’t want to get too deep into it all, cause there is nothing really positive to say on the matter right now. Everyday I tend to wish I had pulled the trigger, everyday reminds me and newly reinforces why I had decided to. I don’t see hope in the matter. But I am at a point where I am trying to give it a chance. It’s the best I can do for now. I am sorry. If things come around I hope to return with uplifting accounts, and want to help and encourage those in need. It sucks. Life sucks. I can’t really help other purposely when I can’t even help myself. I’m here. Don’t know why, and don’t really want to be.
My name is Justin Jay Smith. My date of birth is January 26, 1988. My SSN is ***-**-****(included in paper copy only that was left on site). I died from self-inflicted wounds the morning of February 26, 2014, at the address of 3099 Kirklevington Drive Apartment 152 in Lexington, KY 40517. This is my “suicide note” and “letter of intent” if you will.
I will start by saying I loved you Amanda. I truly am sorry for how things turned out. I did try. I messed something’s up, I know. We all make mistakes and mishandle things or ourselves from time to time. I know you will be ok and find what you have always been looking for. Just do me, yourself, and whoever you end up with a favor and do it for the right reasons. He is out there, you just have to be patient and find him or let him find you. The situation your delving into right now is not for you nor is it the answer. Yes you can find a sense of happiness but not true happiness there. Don’t repeat mistakes we have made. Learn from the ones I made and the ones you made. Keep things pure and right no matter what. Your a smart and an amazing person that just needs to blossom kiddo.
To my son….I don’t really know what to say. Whether or not he reads this later in his life, I leave for your decision Amanda. Tears come to my eyes thinking about you now, my lil man. You are everything to me Austin. Your in the forefront of my mind and thoughts everyday. I failed you miserably. You are surrounded by people that love you and are good for you. Listen to them. Mind your mother and be respectful to everyone around you at all times. There is a spark in your eye. I see it. I recognize it. And I am not just saying this because you are my son. I have seen it in some other children and few other people. You truly posses a threat of great potential. It is something that can be lost or given up without ever knowing it was there. Don’t lose it or give it up. I will not lie to you, this does not mean things, greatness, or success will come easily or even naturally to you. And life will surely have it’s bumps for you as it does for everyone. It is far more than you or anyone else can fully control or handle alone as well. Open up to those around you. Allow proper instruction to guide you. Your biggest struggle will be one within yourself. It is not something you conquer or overcome. It is something you embrace, harness, and guide for use to reaching your max potential. I wish I could be more clear. The answers are out there, son. Find them before they find you. I am not good with words. One day you will understand fully. Good luck Austin. I know you can do it man. So much inside you.
To my mother Sheila. I don’t get it. I don’t get it at all so I will not speak on those things. As for being a mother went while raising the three of us in a less than desirable situation, thank you. The times of literal poverty from my youngest years are memories of my childhood I cherish the most. We were never really close as a family I guess, but there is so much from those times I still would not change.
To my brother Joshua and sister Vivian. Once again, we were not really a close family but still I do not understand so I will not talk those things. As children, we were pretty independent within the home all doing our own things most the time. Best memories of us for me come from playing in the woods at the house in Douglasville and the “fort” like dug out area. I regret we did not get to actually ever know each other like we should have.
To my friends. And once again, I leave to you, Amanda, as to who you show this to and who you do not. I will not list names of my friends. I do not want to offend anyone by listing them or by forgetting to list them. So if you knew me and I knew you and you feel this applies to you, then it does. If you feel it does not, then it doesn’t. Thank you to all of you. A lot of good times out there. And I know I wasn’t always the easiest to get along with. I am and was opinionated by nature and therefore came across as argumentative often. You guys put up with that though. Some of you I got to spend a lot of time with and others I did not. I am sorry to those that I did not. I was also very bad at keeping in touch with those that meant something to me while moving around. If I offended any of you because of this or if any of you felt like I abandoned our friendship please understand I did not mean to. It truly was a character flaw of mine. Our friendships meant a lot. A lot of you are rascals and need to straighten up 😉 and the rest of you keep doing what your doing. I tried my best to help anyone that needed it if they asked or even if they didn’t sometimes. And you guys helped me a bit too. Thank you again everyone.
My intent. I have purchased a Mossberg 500 Tactical 12 Gauge Pump Action shotgun. It was a legal purchase from an unsuspecting individual. In fact, I lied to him about my intentions for it. I will lay flat in the tub. I will place one shot with a hollow point slug(2 3/4″, 1oz. 1600fps) from the front under my chin with an upward angle. Goal is to sever brain stem and a continued trajectory towards the top/back of my skull. If goal is met, for all purposes I should either be dominantly dead or fading in seconds. If after the first shot I am alive and still conscious and able to move, I will place a second shot with buckshot(2 3/4â€³, 1325fps, 9pellets, 00) from the front under my chin with an upward angle. Goal to once again sever brain stem and a continued trajectory towards the top/back of my skull. I could not fathom being, for all practical sense, conscience at this point or alive.
I chose this method cause it seems to have the highest success rates after a good bit of research. I have looked at pictures and read reports on similar things and watched a video even. I am trying not to leave a massive mess of myself for the people that will respond and those that have to clean. That is why I am in the tub and also will possibly (have not decided fully yet) be wearing a full face motorcycle helmet to hopefully eliminate or reduce the “gore fragments” flying aspect. I am also lying low and pointing the shotgun in a manner that if the slug is to penetrate it will have the sides of the tub and walls to potentially stop it as it travels in a downward trajectory(if unaltered while penetrating) towards an exterior wall and not surrounding apartments.
To those responding to the scene once reported, thank you for your services to the community and I am sorry for your inconveniences as well.
I love you Amanda and Austin, but I have to go for now. I truly hope we meet again and that things can be different in a better place or a better life. Goodbye.
My name is Justin Smith. I live in Lexington, KY. I am 26. Talking with everyone here has been truly uplifting. You are all so awesome in your each and individual ways. I had the privilege getting to know a few of you and got to share thoughts with a lot of you. Thank you for that. I am at piece with this. Not all situations can be fixed, nor are all situations worth holding onto after broken. My life is broken. My heart is broken. I would not say my mind is broken, but my spirit is broken and my will is broken. There are patches but no actual fixes for these broken things. And it is not worth holding onto them broken any longer. I couldn’t help but to find myself wandering about what people look like. I am usually a bit careful about just throwing pictures of me out there and personal information. But in this scenario it won’t matter I guess. Here is a picture of me. This list will be removed shortly when I post my suicide note,so it’s just for whoever right now.
Take care everyone. Live everyday you have left like it’s your last and end with no regrets.