This is the autobiography of Kevin Hines who survived a jump from the Golden Gate Bridge in 2000 at the age of 19. I have seen him in the documentary The Bridge. Kevin has severe type 1 Bi-polar disorder. I’ve watched the film numerous times.

I ordered this book on my Kindle a few days ago. I read it straight through, crying most of the time. It helped me understand that my severe depression is not the result of Bi-Polar disorder as I do not experience the hallucinations typical of this brain disease. I think the book, and Kevin’s story as a whole, can be of […]

I’ve been better lately… I honestly have been self harm free for two days. Mainly with the help of you guys. You guys are amazing and awesome, thank you so much. For all of you who are thinking, “it will never get better,” please stop thinking that, because it will eventually. I’m here for guys, just as much as you are for me.

I just want to die. I want it all to be over. I once wanted the military, but after dislocating my patella they most likely won’t take me. Its gotten to the point where when I collect carts from the lot (I work at king soopers) I hope that someone just runs me over. I ended my relationship with someone who really cared about me, because I don’t want him to have to deal with this crap, and then I bought 10 new razor blades. they were on sale.

It’s partly cloudy and chilly. I can see a few stars out there. My time is up. I’m scared and sad but relieved. I wander into the dark woods.

Could be 10 minutes, an hour away maybe. If I do make it, I will be sure to let you all know what happened.

Thank you all for the kind words and support. It really does help. Keep doing helping people fight this before it is too late for them.

When it rains it pours and I just cant take it anymore.  Every time i feel like i have something to look forward to or something to be happy about. its taken away from me…. again and again.  I sometimes things its a way of telling me that its time to be with my mom.  I feel like no one understands me. some people may say that its not that serious. Some people may think that i am over reacting, but the truth is my heart can not take much more. I wish i had someone to talk to that didn’t know my story. someone […]

Eventually you realize you might as well stop gambling when the casino is rigged. The dice are loaded. You can only lose so many times… The roulette wheel always lands on zero… Eventually you just got to stop the insanity of it. Why spin again? Eventually I always lose. The house always wins…. Gotta do what any gambling man would do in my position… Raise the stakes…all in…the hand ………….loaded:6

I’ll get lucky eventually       John G.

You tell them that you want to find a beautiful place to die in. They question your motives. You say it’s simply because you’re tired. They tell you that maybe it’s because you never sleep. You tell them that you are worn out. They don’t understand why you’re upset. You tell them that it’s just who you are. They bring up the fact that you smile everyday. You try to explain to them that you smile to remind yourself of who you are. They’re confused that you’ve suddenly become a different person. You apologize for being a burden. They tell you not to worry but […]

I’ve been pondering this for over a year,  I told myself that if life didn’t get better by the new years came, I’m killing myself. I’ve got no reason to live, I’ve got no motivation to do anything more than stay at home, at school I’m failing every single one of my classes, I’ve got no friends, my family is gone, my teachers hate me, people in school hate me, and I hate myself. Today was it, someone useless like me is better dead anyways, I don’t even know anyone who could possible care about this suicide not.

So tonight, I’m gonna drink all the pills […]

Im just star gazing tree blazing doing my mind right the worlds mine for the taking

aint got time for the one’s who be nothing but faking a few hits form my stash will leave dazed and confused and my fists will have your face battered and bruised

strike like lightning with speed so frighting blitzkrieg attack leaving no time to react came ot conquer the throne that resides to the kingdom in the sky

a place i now call home cloud hopping yea im in my zone stuffing raw cones smoking for insight  isn’t life a delight? as we set ours on course and proceed with a […]

I was on this cite about 3 years ago. hating my life and everyone in it . I met a friend on here and we slowly got better. I was the Highschool cheerleader who dated the football player . So I HAD to be happy .. yes i know fake smiles hurt .. Covering scars isnt easy … and life is hard . I looked in the mirror and felt 120 lbs .. when in all actuality freshman year i was 93 lbs. I thought i was so ugly .. I was stupid cause i brought home all Fs …  I even ran away from […]

There are thoughts in my head that make others look dead, there are thoughts in my head that make me want death, there are thoughts in my head that push me to break. Then I take and I take and I take these pills that make me feels so numb. When I take these pills that make me feel numb I cut so deep so deep into my flesh that is already tattered, torn and, scarred. After my high subsides I realize I might die. My wrists hurt like hell and I feel like I have fell to the darkest pits of the universe, so […]

I went back to work today…
At office max where we met…
It’s weird being there without you…
I miss you Rob…that’s all…

I should be the happiest I have ever been. But, I’m not.

All I see when I’m alone is shame and fear.

I work a lot, because it’s an escape.

My mentor looks so happy in his photos with his girlfriend. Could I ever be happy like that?

I don’t know who I am anymore! I pushed everyone away. I was scared, and now I don’t know how to go back.

When they asked for my picture for the statewide letter, I only stared at my photos of me and cried harder. I’m ugly.

For nearly a week I barely ate and nearly collapsed twice.

I don’t know whose side I’m on.

I’m […]

I can’t sleep, I just breathe, I am afraid of nights, That’s when they come around, I don’t want them in, I want them to leave, and it hurts like hell, it hurts like hell…

Seriously. There are probably people crying as hard as me right now, because they are sick and they’re going to die and they want to stay alive and healthy. And im here crying because I’m forced to be alive and I wanna die. I could say its unfair but I stopped hoping things to get fair in life anyway!  I just can’t stand it anymore.

Remember when we were kids. Where the only worry was if someone took our snack or pencil or crayon. But now, now that we are growing up. Now that we are discovering bad things. Now that we are knowing life isn’t just happiness. We want to go back being a kid? I remember when I used to be so happy. So cheery. I remember when I used to not worry. I remember when I used to think I would never cut. I remember when I used to never ever ever think about killing myself. I remember when I could cry. I remember when I felt […]

Is it worth it to push?
Is it worth it to push someone over the edge?
Is it worth it to say?
Is it worth it to say what’s on your mind?
Is it worth to ask?
Is it worth it to ask if I’m okay or not?
Is it worth it to lie?
Is it worth it to lie about the truth?
Is it worth it to fake?
Is it worth it to fake happiness?

Words go far
So very far
They can make a day
or take a life

Words can be beautiful
But they can also be ugly
The beautiful lie? or
The ugly truth?

Careful on what you say
Careful on what you listen to
Careful
Think about what you are going to say

Words go far
So very far
The can make a day
or take a life

Words are an amazing thing
But yet they can be so terrible
Amazing, motivational quotes
Or terrible repeating insults

Words can be engraved in memory
On a grave stone
On a scarred and bloody wrist
In our minds

Words go far
So very far

Miss the days when becoming this fucked up seemed impossible and suicide and death were just foreign concepts. Never would have thought it would’ve ended up like this

Hello guys. No this is not my daily journal entry, just a message. Words go far. They go so far. Some words can either make someone’s day, or take their life. Just remember to be careful what you are saying. Now I know its so much easier to talk online because there’s a delete button, a back space, but in life there isn’t. So if you do make a mistake so you are sorry. Stop them. Tell them that you didn’t think before you spoke. Tell them that you love them and care for them. I remember one day. One of my friend’s texted me, […]