Four months ago I was kicked out of my mothers house. Kicked out of a home that I was forced to hold my emotions and feelings back, where I was pushed aside and forgotten because my mother wanted to make a relationship work and that’s exactly where I am now, just with my sister and her boyfriend. Except this time she has her son who she would rather be a friend instead of a mother. And I have her pushing her son onto me every chance she has. There is way too much stress in this apartment.

The suicidal thoughts I’m having at the moment are extremely powerful and although I know I can’t do anything about them (I couldn’t hurt my family that way), I’m not sure what I can do to assuage them.

I grew up with an alcoholic mother and grandmother.  As you might expect, myself and my brothers were neglected regularly, but only I experienced the full weight of the emotional abuse from my grandmother.  My childhood left me extremely depressed, angry and hopeless, with body dysmorphic disorder, an eating disorder and little or no self esteem.  When I was 18, my older brother committed suicide.  His death threw […]

I have the equivalent of $1000 left to my possession. Where I come from you can sustain for about three months with that amount, based on my lifestyle. Not super thrifty, but definitely do not spend lavishly.

There is a number of fulfilling free things you can do, one of which is sinking in the sea of books. I like Kinokuniya bookstore for their vast selection.

Also trainspotting (the legitimate kind), and people watching. Grab a bottle of water along in case you get thirsty. But the subway network in my place is not as extensive or crowded as the one in NYC, which makes it […]

I will probably be joining an online school. Can anyone who has participated in that please tell me how it is and gie me some insight? Thank you.

you know it’s quite funny now, it’s almost like ive gone looney, ive felt like shit for 3 years now im a senior In highschool I have goals I guess but I just feel like nothing matters, I barely have any friends, no one even tries to talk to me it’s like I text people..well try, and no reply I used to get terribly sad nd just feel alone but now it’s like I don’t care ive taken up drinking a while back about a year and 1/2 ago ive gotten alcohol poisoning numerous times ive had friends but they stop being friends with me […]

I can’t leave here. This is my home, my solace. You can’t drag me by my hair to that place, that box of lies wrapped in pretty paper. Let me have a cigarette first, let me have three. Let’s create our sexual fantasies together, let’s never let each other go. Can we get drunk and make snow angels until the summer comes? May I sleep in your bed and never wake up? How about we go to the convenience store in paradise? If I go home, I won’t sleep well, darling. Don’t you want me to sleep? Let me stay in your arms so I […]

I tried, emptied a bottle of rum, perused bridges like a voyeur, spent the day with drifters and woke up to the best friend laden down with the entire works of Charles Brukowski. I don’t know what could have been a more depressing gift. Lying in bed now reading “He asked, “What makes a man a writer?” “Well,” I said, “it’s simple. You either get it down on paper, or jump off a bridge.” over and over again until it’s etched on my brain, like a badly needed lesson. I’ve decided to leave, my body can only take so much. I have no money but […]

It’s 2014 another year passed and I’m still here. Why I don’t know. My entire life I’ve been dissapointed, by myself.
I failed 3 different college studies I’m 28 now, work as a cleaner but only 12 hours in the week. I try to find more work, but no one hires me. I’m also autistic so I’m on welfare mostly (cept for those 12 hours that I make money).
I now realise that dead end jobs are my future, I’ll never be able to afford much. For now it’s a struggle to even make enough money to provide for myself.
Socially it’s no better, in […]

hell yeah! a guy confessed to me this evening and i have nothing respond haha. i have no idea what he likes about me. mybe i got perfect body.. but not face. i have huge nose and improper arranged teeth? lol. so what am i supposed to do? i already dumped him but he just called me like… an hour ago –” and i say hi and bye and OFF . i feel like a *****

If you could do ANYTHING before dying, what would it be?

I know what I would do.  I’m mainly curious to know other people’s choices/wishes for whoever is interested to share.

I have 2 little girls and at the moment I am hanging on to their faces to get through hour by hour. What kind of parent even contemplates leaving their children behind? I must be some kind of monster… Is a depression ridden mother better than no mother at all? I just want this hurt to end…

2013: And then Kendrick Lamar came out

I wish it was easy to talk to me

I wish it was easy to talk to people all the time

Taking the bus home on New Year’s Day was a nightmare filled with roller coaster emotions and an uncomfortable drive home next to a drunk man with a bloody nose. The bus driver was nice enough, but I suspected a hangover once she started driving. I can’t exactly lie, I was also experiencing the effects of the night before, but it seemed as though I was walking through a dusty desert with sunglass equipped skeletons on either side of me as I followed the other Advil-popping passengers filing their way through the bus aisle. I found a seat in the back next to a dirty […]

Do you ever feel like you are all alone? That while there could be lots around you, you still feel the same? You try to occupy yourself with activities that may bring you pleasure for a short time, but only fail you? Yeah, I feel ya. For these are my feelings now.
I did find something, however that I find slightly soothing, something called first person art. I believe the link is www.firstpersonart.org. There are podcasts there, and one talks about loneliness from a lost love’s point of view, and a radio dj’s point of view. Pretty interesting I’d say, but yet nothing is quite […]

I’m so alone. All the faces and the people. Its hard to be your own support. You’re own everything. No I’m not about to go sit in my car, plug the pipe, and doze to my death.. But I’d like to. I’m 18. I’m a senior in hs. And I’m alone and lost. “God” can’t help me. I can’t help me.

Ok.

My New Years resolution is to rise above all the fuckers that have brought me so low and then laugh at their pitiful way of living.

I mean my brother-in-law told me HE TOLD ME that I am poison for his household and don’t care about anyone but myself. This coming from the self riotous ASSHOLE who forgets to feed his dogs, refuses to feed the cats because he finds wet cat food disgusting, sits on his ass and plays video games all day, and picks fights with my sister because it helps him feel like a man. The only reason he told me I am poison? […]

I feel really lost right now. It seems that whenever I start to believe I can get better things take a turn for the worst and I end up back where I started. I thought that maybe I just wasn’t trying hard enough and that I was just being pathetic. I am constantly around happy people, that can actually enjoy life, that can laugh and smile, so if they could do it why couldn’t I? I thought that maybe getting out more and picking up some new hobbies would help me find some purpose in life, and surprisingly it did help. But it didn’t last; […]

you know i figured i could come here and people would help me and care about what i feel and what i say but hey i guess this place just reflects my life i have nothing left in this life so i think i may be leaving soon for the small number of you who did care thank you you pulled me out of some pretty low spots but this time im pretty well gone