I am not sure how to start this post, I suppose I’ll just write what I feel like usual. Atleast how I relieve this pain of being neglected, hated etc. I usually swim it off me or I spend time with animals since they don’t judge, but the biggest one which might cover 50% of relieving this pain is Art, drawing, sketching, painting, knitting, creative writing, sewing. It just relieves so much. Especially painting, because it makes me concentrate on something other than the pain, it makes me concentrate on getting the correct colour for the painting so I don’t mess it up (although I […]

Does anyone want someone to talk to? I no I do. I just need to talk to someone about my loosing a baby, cutting and the depression I will always have. Does anyone want to talk who is going through anything similar?

Next year I have to choose new subjects. I’ll be choosing the iB exams which is an examination where you are allowed 6 subjects but they are controlled, so these subjects should be:
*maths
*english
*a science (biology, physics or chemistry)
*a language (which they offer in school)
*a humanity (geography, history, psychology, business studies and one more thing that’s slipped my mind)
*an art (music, art or textiles) or another science

Since I want to be a vet I cannot take art next year by making these choices. Art is one way for me to release the pain that builds up inside… That’s why I […]

It’s been almost a year since I last really cut myself. I’ve slipped a couple of times, but never as deep as I had before. I still have the urge though, to do it again and I still want to kill myself. Sometimes it’s out of boredom sometimes out of desperation, but I’m too much of a coward to kill myself. I just want to slice my arms open and bleed out.

But, then I wonder, what if my sister found me in a pool of my own blood? What would happen to her when she grows up? What about my mom, I know she wouldn’t […]

im fat inside by a lot but when i look in the mirror im skinny as fuck, i hate it the feeling of eating makes me just want to cry over it and then when i think about self harm i want to cut, the amount of calerioes i have to eat for my family i dont want them to know that  hate eating because i feel so fat i feel like im eating so much, its the demons in my head i cant live like this any more i want to die but i know the people that love me will miss me i […]

am I the only one who has that feeling of taking your life for no reason at all. Well I have that feeling days when you just look in the mirror and say why am I here who am I. That moment when your mom looks at you and says I wish you weren’t born and you think to yourself I wish I wasn’t born too. You go to school joke around smile when with your friends but in your head your like when can I go when will death visit me. Telling someone you just want to die but they just look at you […]

It’s a funny thing, trust. How do you get it? How do you give it?

When something happens to shake the very foundation you’re standing on, how to you learn to trust again? I’m trying to rebuild.

I don’t trust any guy. I don’t trust anybody I’m alone with. I don’t trust doctors, friends, dentists, even my boyfriend sometimes. I don’t know how to do it after what happened. When your best friend commits the ultimate betrayal of your body and mind, where do you go for salvation?

Lately, my dreams have been haunting me. They extrapolate on that one fateful day. I find myself awakening from tortures […]

i can’t stand this, it just happened all of a sudden. had such a great time last night and right now i’m having a fuckin panic attack, i need someone 2 talk 2, some 1 2 talk me through this, fuck i can’t be alone with my thoughts. anything, tell me about the weather,music, i just need this to pass!!!!!!!!!!

Insomnia is kicking my ass tonight and I can’t stop thinking how much easier everyone’s life would be if I was gone, everyone has just forgotten about me and I wish I could be someone to be proud of, but instead the people I help get better and I am no longer needed by them

As the minutes continue to tick by it’s like  silent electric shocks inside me. I don’t jump or scream, but the pain is as real as my hand. I have to give my eyes credit for all the tears they’ve cranked out again and again. I’ve almost become convinced that there is no reason I am here but to suffer. We are born to be broken. And if I leave right now, no one would miss me. No one except my family even knows who I am. I’ll be on the college paper for a day and be forgotten the next. I always am forgotten […]

Problem is no one on this world confirmed it?

So just a quick update in case ur listening. Cutting addiction came back lol. But that’s okay because it will all work out in the end… Right?

I have lived a life of what if’s and empty promises. How are you suppose to know what love  is when all you know is hate. I can’t love someone when all they do is bring me down, Obliterate every wall I have built to nothing and drill me with insults. 
You are nothing to me. You have never ment anything to me. I don’t even know how you even found love yourself cause all u are is hate. All you knew was hate. And all we will remember about you is hate. But I don’t feel sorry for you. You brought this on yourself. […]

Why don’t I ever get loved in return? Why aren’t I called someone’s soul mate? Why do I love so deeply with everyone and get loved by no one? Don’t you see I need love too? Maybe everyone will love me when I’m no longer here…

What’s better being distance from everyone? Or everyone being distance from you? I don’t know why I feel like people are staying a distance away from me… I like to be alone but why do I feel so alone? Am I really affecting people around me? Or am I’m just over thinking it? What should I do? Stay a distance from them?

I believed that love was just around the corner

Just a few feet away

I found my love’s shoulder

and he told me “Tonight you need to stay.”

It was secret, me and him.

At age 15 and him 4 years and ten days away

He said he really cared,

and I believed him when he kissed my scars fake

I swore it was a dream, that he was an angel

He made me feel special

only to take it all away

After five months he stopped calling

he didn’t bother to text me back.

I cried and apologized for not being enough.

He said

“Emily you are so strong, and I respect everything you stand for. You make me […]

Im writing this letter for me to get my thoughts and feelings out… the person this is meant for will never see this, will never know i wrote this, will never care i wrote this.

Dear abselom,

what can i say we’ve been through alot together. I was there for you when you wanted to end your life. I held you when you cried, i cried with you for you. I tried to make you smile when you were low. I was always by your side i tried the best i could to take your pain away. Then i broke. I was hurting and i finally told […]

yesterday i was drinking with a few of my friends and one turned to me and said he really looked up to me. that i was the most real and good person he;s ever met. that even though i do stupid shit i really care about others and am good at heart. i started bawling. i love so deeply and i do care but ive hurt so many people, caused so many problems that i just dont  see how that could be true. im very self destructive but that because no matter how hard i try i cant seem to get out of my state […]

i sit back and watch

watch my father drink his life away

every sip

every beer

another moment gone.

does he not realize?

realize that its killing me??
does he not care???

does he like seeing me in pain

hes clasified as an alcholic…

they say i am one now to..

as soon as i get home im drinking.

now its the pills..

i dont want my boyfriend

i dont want my child

i dont want my step kids

to find me dead…

why can i not get clean???

this high makes me calm…

this high makes my head straight…

this needs to stop…

help dont help me..

makes me wanna do it worse…

So, yesterday I had a complete break down at school during lunch. Once the tears started, the motherfuckers would not stop. So, that wasn’t fun.

Today, though, my mood has literally been a fucking roller-coaster all day, until this evening where it’s stayed pretty good. It’s only for one reason though.

I was talking to my friend, Ellie, and whilst sitting in the car; having nothing together in my head, after leaving school early I decided to inbox her saying I needed to tell her something (she was still at school), which she would then read when she got home. Of course, she read it and immediately […]