I’ve fucked up. It was one of my best friends’ birthday party and we had drinks, long story short I let it all out to the ten of my best childhood friends, ruining their night, oh I am so sorry for you! Their reactions reinforced the idea that they are too stupid to understand my problems and should never know the truth. Just to cover up and stop them from telling everyone and their mother causing me to have to see a shrink or something, I’ve had to apologise to all of them and lie about what I said even though it was completely their […]

Today marks the 6th year my dad has been dead. I was 7 when he killed himself
I don’t know what my dad was like. I struggle to remember his voice. The only good memories I have of him is throwing apples at trains and swimming. But bad memories, I have many. Having to choose between my mom and dad when they had a fight and my mom would leave. Him screaming at the top off his lungs at my mom for being the biggest mistake he had ever made. Him getting arrested for shoving my mom into a wall. Him writing all over the […]

I have crippling body dysmorphic disorder. Is it better to just leave or to leave a suicide note?

i feel like I’m the weakest person alive. I have seen these pictures and quotes of girls saying “putting on a smile even in your toughest moments makes you a strong person” but, damn, I do that all the time! And I’m not strong! I smile for my friends, I eat my food, hide my knives, hide my pain, cheer people up, make them laugh and spend time with everyone. But once I’m alone at home, in my room or just all alone somewhere… I cry. I shatter. I break down and cant do anything about it! My heart breaks several times over again as […]

i have been friends with my friend (who we will call clair) for 7 years and friends with my other friend (who we will calldave) for jus about 1yr now clair and dave have started dating but clairs 20 (21 soon) and dave 15 (jus turned a month ago) and are dating the whole situation is makin me sick even wen i hear other people talki about it . i seem to b the only one hu dis situation disgusts. im acc considering not speaking to either of dem again. so i wanna ask you guys a few questions and i know if dave […]

I have a grandma who sweeps all the horrible incidents under the rug, a uncle who has gotten me arrested and had threatened to do it again. My dad has been in jail since i was 4 for attempted murder against my mom. I was in the backseat and witnessed the whole thing. My moms blood splattered on my 4 year old self. Therefore it has caused my mom My mom and i to get post traumatic stress disorder and she can act like a bipolar psychotic ***** and has even runaway leaving a note that she was dying of cancer mets. Luckily i hacked […]

So basically this is my life:

Ok so as far back as I remember I’ve been severally depressed, not the kind where I hold a knife to my arms at night but the self implosion kind, always thinking your worthless, don’t belong, can’t do one thing right etc..

My whole life has been a fuck up (I am not exaggerating) all throughout primary school I was bullied + didn’t have much friends, that combination also made me very angry which = even less friends, basically my 1-2 friends was my best friend, everyone liked him he was funny, easy to talk to, never angry, very imaginative and […]

maybe you dont care but others will!

Love, blahh

This has allways been the problem,i was born with it but never really showed tll later,that’s when the world came crashing down ,when even in the playground parents took kids i was playing with away,times i feel 21 going on 50,no because of inside but the outside an i would feel like walking off the bridge,an just sleep forever the pain away.why do people judge on looks an not what is inside? school was hard fighting every day,so at 13 i joined cadets ,i got a break finally ! an went to camp,thats where i met the girl of my dreams for the first time […]

I’ve been suicidal…..

i only realized it at age 12….

I was always so close to killing myself but it never came….

my family didn’t know…

now….

my sanity grew….

the feelings of killing was in me….

i dont ong know how to stop….

it it urges whenever I feel sad….

it it calms down the slightest when I toss my cutter around….

i sometimes think….

killing myself is the only way to keep my family safe….

my story? Family problems I guess….

I cry alone….

no one notices me….

I dont want to run away….

killing myself is the nearest plan…

I can’t see love or light…

help me….

even if I kill….

who would take me in?….

God may never forgive me….

this is my […]

pain= what I want  –  what I have ( according to philosophers pain is difference of “what i want” and “what i have”)

What I have = negligible ( for me)

therefore

what I want=pain

I get lots of suffering when I live and I enjoy it

well.. at the moment ive totally fucked it all up..

i fked up my job, and im back in school.. but still..

i kinda don’t socialize anymore and i don’t really make the effort to see my friends cuz i’m embarrased with myself.. you know how it is.. when you all meet up they ask so what’re you doing now? oh i’m back in school.. im fkin 29 years old..

so i just dont get out there anymore and i’m justifying by telling myself.. ok u get out there when u get ur shit together.. am i being an idiot? i am an idiot anyways. i admit it. […]

I am extremely stressed with school, work, trying to be normal  and  not the self harm way . I have no outlet . I want to relapse.  Is relapse a pre-meditated thing?  I need to self harm . I tried everything to avoid it (5 min rule, butterfly, red ink, rubber-bands) but I can’t/don’t want too…the problem is I have to cut myself multiple times to achieve the same sense of high/pain compared to the few cuts I could get away with before…

It is obviously first world problems. And I get that I do.  Everything I’ve read about trying to recover from SH talks about […]

I’m gonna get right Into this, so my main problem is just myself. I mean everyday I look in the mirror and I know and acknowledge every little flaw. Some of the kids at school think it’s fun to call me names like ugly or fat or worthless. They act like I don’t know that already. My parents would tell me “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”, when the truth is, I would rather get my arms and legs broken rather then have to hear all if the different names ringing in my ear And through my head. […]

All around me things are just crazy and don’t make any damn sense.  Modern music sucks.  I hate the fuckin radio.  I haven’t heard a great new band or cool new song in years.  Fuck Usher.  Bruno Mars is a girl.  Justin Bieber….please shoot me in the fuckin head.  People wonder why I’m suicidal.  These talentless dicks make life even harder.  T.V is gay too.  Glee?  Come the fuck on.  And no, I’m not homophobic.  I’m just a straight dude who is attracted to females and only females and why am I a bad person for not wanting to watch men make out with eachother […]

Just sitting at home trying to talk myself out of blowing my fuckin’ brains out…again. I came across this website. Seemed like a good idea. I’m tired. Life keeps kicking my ass and I keep getting up. I’m starting to wonder how long I can keep doing this. I’m 37 and it’s been this way for most of my life. I try to do good things. I know I’m not “good” per se, but I’m not evil either and if I can help someone, I usually do. So I keep wondering why people like to fuck […]

i have to get a good job

so i can gather up enough money to

buy  a sizable plot of land

with a house on it–it’ll be

my oasis–away from everybody else

whenever i need it–it’ll be

my sanctuary–my refuge. i have to stay

alive until then–then i’ll know i’ve made it.

then i can rest.

Being low is fucking terrible.  I used to have a drug problem. I don’t do drugs anymore but when I get like this I only want drugs.

Why you may wonder, because they make me feel good.  Not suicidal.

This pain is worse than any physical pain I could endure. . . I’m not mad, I’m not sad, happy etc. . . I’m suicidal, yes I consider it a mood.

I should just go away. . . FUUCK

“We stop looking for monsters under our beds when we realize they’re inside of us.” -Unknown.

My monsters are winning. They’re not even monsters. It’s demons… I hope this isn’t goodbye…