Autumn is here….the season where everything dies…. I love this time of year and I’m glad that this will be the last season I ever experience…its something soothing about watching nature die….the leaves fall…the grass turns tan…..the bugs die…..flowers wilt away…. seems like the perfect time to die….

to find someone who you can truly confide in? Through my life, I’ve met a ton of people and made a ton of friends. I consider them my ‘real’ friends whom I can talk to about anything. However, with time, they’ve each proven me wrong. I just want someone. Someone who can actually keep secrets. Who actually gives a damn about me. Who actually genuinely cares about my problems. <p>
Shit, all I’ve ever wanted in life was to have that one person whom you can fall back on, knowing they’ll catch you. Knowing they’ll have your back through thick and thin. I can’t find […]

I made a friend today. He first talked to me because of my skeleton hoodie. He said it was cool. Then, we sat beside each other when looking for pictures online to paint in Art Club. He searched “Skrillex Hair” when I happened to glance over at his screen. “Hey, Skrillex is awesome” I said. He smiled and said “yeah” We talked for a bit and he showed be funny pictures, then helped me pick out a picture to paint. He asked me if I were a brony, I said yes, so he showed me pony-fied Skrillex.

…So that’s the nice stranger I met today. He’s […]

i don’t know how this idea started but i had this strong feeling that i was going to die before i turned 13. i felt all alone and didn’t have much to live for.even though i was young i was unafraid of death or what would happen after. i was so confused when i live through my 13 birthday. now as i grow i still don’t see much purpose to me living but now i have this ever constant fear of death. what age has done to me giving me fear i did not know as a child.

Hello, new people of the SuicideProject.

My name is Ryan, but you can just call me RealTalk30, or RealTalk, or RT3, or just RT. I am 31 years old and I live in California USA. I’ve been frequenting this web site for about 4 months now, and I’ve become a regular here. I’ve met some really amazing people here, and it’s unfortunate that such amazing people can be so alone, scared and angry. We all have our reasons for being here. My reason for being here is that there is no other place for my selective opinions, not too many places like this one where I […]

Kinda pathetic having this realization from an anime of all things but it actually spoke to me better than most people can. Anyways its this show called Watamote and it just had its final episode. Its about social anxiety ,loneliness, generally just things that I could relate these past few years (frustration from trying to make friends, no love life, no sense of fulfillment) which is the reason I started watching it and basically it ended on the note that after all she did nothing has changed and shes still lonely but the thing is she just laughs it off and says “it doesnt matter […]

I hate it when people tell me it will get better. Even if it did get better I would die in the end. It doesn’t matter who I am or what kind of person I am. In the end EVERYONE will DIE. Whether they want to or not. I hate how inevitable and mysterious death is. No one really knows what happens after death. I wish the people I love wouldn’t have to get old and die. I don’t wanna be old  either so I’d rather die young. Now is the perfect time before my life gets complicated and full of pain

I haven’t come here for a long time, but this evening is just too much for me. More than anything, I need someone to take care of me tonight. I’m in so much of pain (physical) that I can barely stand or walk. I’m hungry, but I don’t have it in me to actually do something about it. I’ve been feeling so lonely recently, and this physical pain is making the emotional pain worse. I would love to have someone take care of me for a change, rather than me being the one that helps everyone else. But tonight, I am reminded just how alone […]

what could have life if you live in a very poor country no clean water,no education,no power,no burger,no tv no road.seriously thier are countless humans who live just like this.

Ever felt so broken that nothing can fix you? So shattered that you couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again, even if you wanted to?

Have you ever had anyone fix you? Someone who ran around for weeks and months trying to pick up the pieces of your tattered soul? I did. I felt destroyed before her. Like there was nothing on the inside. She’s gone now, and her leaving made me realise that there really was nothing on the inside. I actually thought she’d fixed me. Not the half assed job that any dipshit in a suit with a PHD was capable of. No, really […]

You’re always in your head…hopefully. So you get used to your own soundtrack. At other times in my life (thank God) it sang a happier tune, I wasn’t always this miserable. But you know shit happens and you get on that spiral of “I suck”, “the world would truly be better of without me”, “better to free up space”, do something stupid and “oh that’s another tally under ‘reasons to kill myself’”. So this track has been the norm for a couple years now, so it’s become very easy to believe if you know what I mean. I’m guessing most here do.

But then in my […]

Keep forgetting

the mistakes

the pain

the tears

the depression

the loss

the guilt

the regret

how everything just ended.

told him truths

yet lies in between

pulled him down

just so he could remember

so much frustrations

tried to fix things

but ended badly.

Continued to play the old games

and tried to play them

but that made everything worse

then felt even more guilty

everything made me so lost and confused.

I am still stuck

but more crazy and unknown

I am losing my mind

I can’t cut

I can’t do drugs

I can’t dream

I can’t run

I can’t do anything anymore.

I am just stuck

I can’t cry

Everything just sucks.

I don’t want to miss him

But I still do

I don’t love him

I don’t even lust him

I just despise him

He’s supposed to be […]

I gave him everything. I was happy too. He is my everything. I would do anything for him.. but i’m here. beating myself every time he gets mad. ” ITS MY FAULT ITS MY FAULT” that’s what i say.  I blame myself for everything. I just wanna make him happy… but i want him to put in effort too. what about me? what about everything i’ve done? I love him you know. he tells me he cares, but he wants me to change and if i dont, he is going to leave me. thats what he said to me. im begging him to stay. i […]

Soon. It’s my time soon. I’m getting ready. to leave everything. ‘I’m preparing myself. Fear is a natural feeling. but once i know im ready, i’m ready to die. I’m ready to get out of this horrible cruel world. I’m not happy. I hate this. I hate crying. every night. Cutting. When does it stop? I can feel myself losing it.

He’s breaking me down. I’m trying so hard.. so damn hard to be what he wants. Does he want me for who i am anymore? Do I mean anything to him? He doesn’t even care that he hurts me.. Maybe i deserve it in someway? but I just want him to care. Why cant he anymore?

Another night for today.
Shut off the lights and once again I begin to just lay in bed.
I have been turning worse and worse,
More like I used to be
But creating less.

Rejection
Lies
Dead memories

A whole year full of…
Pain.

I had created so much pain for myself
only because I was so blinded by what if felt like;
Love.

I lost who I was

I had to move back to a safer place in my life.

A place that I despised for the longest time.

I hated it only because it took away what I wanted the most

What I desired and thought I desperately needed.

Couldn’t accept the […]

i hate my life. i hate myself. i hate that i can never get rid of my past. i hate everything. ill never be happy. ill never be okay. i hate it. no matter what i do. no matter how much ive changed. no matter how much ive grown. no matter how good i am. no matter what. it will always be the same misery that will just get worse and worse and worse. until i physically cant handle any more.

I wanna do it. right this second. every inch of my body is itching for the nothingness that comes with death. All I have to figure out is how? How do i do it?

I have had a new dream.  In this dream I was in the operating room.  I was under some anesthesia or something and was very weak but I managed to crawl off the operating table and out of the room.  There were two guys outside of the room, I said to them as I crawled “Can’t you see I’m dying?”  then I tried to keep going.  However I don’t think I made it much further as I was too tired.

I think it means I am supposed to try hard to escape and not let them operate on me anymore.

Yesterday walking my dog something caught my eye […]