Soft whit magazine covers and a slightly shuffled rug that I have named Charles. The same glass in the windows that was there before, god they must be tired of my finger prints. I should really use the doorknob but sick people rub there noses and then touch them and that weirds me out. Anyhow it’s a sick condition game “are you ill enough to buy your way out of here with a prescription or 2? or do you need more time for the infection to set in a little deeper? It’s ok if you need more time, there’s still a few animals left […]

For years my life has been on massive storm after another. Few times I’ve been the sun shining in my life. How long can one person swim in crashing waves? My tears have been enough to fill any ocean. I’ve been alone almost all my life. I’ve always been a clean cut guy that wears his heart on his sleeve only to people like knocking it on the ground and stomping it to dust. All I ask was for a simple kiss, a hug that last, and someone to love. I’ve had several brain tumors only to have  100% of everyone to run away thinking […]

Sometimes it’s faded, disintegrated, for fear of growing old.
Sometimes it’s faded, assassinated, for fear of growing old.
Hang on, though I try.
It’s gone.
Can’t stop growing old.

I honestly have no idea what I’m doing or if anyone will be able to read this I just want to get some feelings out. I’m 32 and my mom at me when she was just 15 years old she did everything she could to raise me and my brother by herself ( our father is a crackhead who repeatedly abused her, she was forced to marry him due to her age). No matter what I went through from falling out of a tree when I was 7 to my multiple surgeries on my knee and my failed back surgery on my back which led […]

Km

I want the truth. I know that I’m really unhealthy. My stomach is acting up and so are my lungs. I’m not in the hospital, but I’ve been to the doctor’s office a few times. My adoptive mum says I’m slowly getting better.

I’m not though. I know it. I can tell when she’s lying. She’ll look anywhere but your face, twiddle her thumbs, and over explain. Check, Check, Check.

The truth is, I know I’m probably going to die. Wow, it’s weird saying that, but I am. If I don’t shape up and get over this stuff, I’ll won’t recover. It’s not easy. I haven’t really […]

Walk with hope in your heart, and you’ll never walk alone.

What do you do when you don’t know what to do? I feel so lost, I feel like there is nobody to turn to ! I want to leave everything behind me and go somewhere far away. I want to start fresh, a place no one would no my name. A place no one has ever seen my face and know a thing about me. I need help.

Im getting closer now. First I have some more thoughts to sort out including, if I’m going to give up because I know theres no light at the end of the tunnel and I’m in pain then why not get revenge first? Second since I have tried pills and carbon monoxide and failed, since I’m to scared of jumping, shooting, or anything to sudden or violent and since I always stop the blood before its to late than I’m going to try an experiment. I have done a little research. First they say that a person can go weeks without food […]

is that feelings hurt. And although I know that it’s better to feel things than to be unbearably numb like I had been, I’ve cried so many times in the last 24 hours that I’m close to trying to shut everything out again.  I just feel so raw right now, like the fights I’ve been fighting in my mind for the last few years have scarred me on the inside in ways I don’t fully understand yet.

It’s easier to be numb and dead but I choose to be raw and alive because I have never been one to make things easy for myself.

I need to […]

I hate math. I failed the Algebra End Of Course exam 4 TIMES (I have to retake the exam later in the year). I also failed the Geometry End Of Course exam and almost got a level 1 which is REALLY bad(the highest you can get is a level 5 and the lowest is a level 1)Anyways now I’m in Algebra 2 honors and I feel like I’m already failing.Math is sooo confusing.No matter how hard I try I’ll never understand math.   I tried studying really hard , but I always fail.How can I go to college if I always fail math?

Hello! Everything is shit again! Goodbye.

Being depressed is all i know.. Being happy is no fun at all, putting on a big grin and singing the ol classic on birthdays isnt no fun too. Dressing all gay and fantabulous with all the colourful nonsuchs draped on isnt no fun to me. I like the depressed part of me. I like hearing people whisper behind me saying all the unpleasants of life about me. It does me much good. I do not entertain the noise and joyous brangz and drangz that is associated with playing children around me. It distracts me from thinking about me. I just like plain dark solitude. […]

I’m trying so hard to keep my shit together, not for me but for the sake of my little sister. My efforts aren’t good enough to keep myself from crumbling and with no support from hardly anyone I can feel myself slipping. I’m fighting this feeling but the forces in life that present themselves as family, “friends” and school just knock me back down onto my knees. I’ve screamed, cried and smiled to try and make it all better, but I can’t do it. No one can say that I didn’t fucking try, I did! I tried my fucking hardest but it’s not enough and […]

I just generally suck at being a person

I want to die but i don’t want it to hurt but that seems rather improbable

I wish cutting your wrists didn’t suck so much

I wish i didn’t have to take pills to be a functioning human

I wish I could just have a 30-day free trial of being dead, just to see if it sucks as much as being alive

I wish I could be happy for this wonderful exciting thing that happened to my friend today

I wish I could get in a car and drive and drive and drive and never stop

I wish I could laugh without being hyperaware […]

This is all that they have in their soul. they were pushed and forced upon their whole life, so they want you too to be pushed and forced upon. they can’t see you happy, joyful, free. it hurts their suffered ego. and let me tell you very clearly: this includes their own children too. its ok as long as you are following the pattern set by them or by society, but the moment you shakes it up a bit or get out of it everybody looses his mind. wasted 4 years in engineering college and nobody gave a shit, but decided to take some rest […]

I gave many people numerous opportunities to treat me better, but they failed when given this opportunity.

My parents, mom and dad, the people who brought me into this world:

You created numerous problems for me.  If you had not spoiled me and had me rub it into most of my peers faces in school, I probably would’ve been better off.  If we had not moved so much after sixth grade, I would’ve been better off, and there wouldn’t have been rumors that I was a slut with children at home started by the popular kids.  Starting recently, dad, you began blaming me for the sexual abuse […]

I was thinking today, if i had the guts, how much of my life would i be able to change? Like give up the study, finding a job, going to live abroad, wouldn’t it be just better for the taste of it? To change the same city i’ve been wandering about the evening for twenty years, and hear foreign languages spreading from unknown streets.. it’s just about courage, really! Nobody gets in the way but yourself with your fears or pointless projects for the future (a shit future anyway, since i’m here).

What would you change in your life if you’d manage to?

Earlier Today I Sat At The Library In My Town… Waiting For The Bus.. And 2 Police Officers Showed Up, They Were There For “Security” Reasons. All That I Could Think About Was Going Up To The One Sitting Down On The Desk… And Grabbing For His Gun.. And Shooting Myself..

This Is My First Post Ever… I Dunno If I’ll Be Back On.. I Hope So. I Just.. Have Given Up So Much Hope.
I Don’t Deserve To Be Here. I Don’t Deserve To Live. No, I’m Not Going To Commit Suicide. At Least Not Tonight. I Guess I Wanted To Come On Here And […]

I think thats really true last night I cry a lot   remembering and wen I stoped I felt a little better. But some times I cant cry for more I try so I beging to punch the wall until my hands hurt.