I think thats really true last night I cry a lot   remembering and wen I stoped I felt a little better. But some times I cant cry for more I try so I beging to punch the wall until my hands hurt.

Okay so I think my mood has improved from before or maybe Its just the first time Im posting while Im not feeling down. Its just that I now when I can think clearly I still cant think of  what I want or what the point of doing anything is… There just isnt any other than trying not to become a burden to my folks anymore(I might be graduating college this year assuming I dont fuck up).They’re the only thing that matter to me. Beyond that I dont think there would be anything left tying me to this world.  I just dont find anything truly […]

One of my sisters is 15 and we are extremely close. After she graduates high school she wants us to get an apartment together. She’s going to get a morkie named Louie and I’m getting a Boston Terrier named Leo. When we get older she wants us to buy land together and build 2 houses, one for her family and one for mine. Underneath the ground a secret tunnel will connect our houses so that we can visit even if it’s storming. She’s buying the pool and I’m getting the in ground trampoline and swings […]

Can anyone tell me if there is any method that i can end myself without affecting other people?

I have thought of jump over a building or bridge, but, it would affect the people who own the building. I have thought of dead by car accident, but, it would affect the driver. I thought of hanging myself, but, it would scare the people who see my body. I want to end myself without affecting too many people.

Ever since I was 10 years old a force came over me telling me to kill myself, telling me that I hate my life, and I do. Everyday I wake up only because I can’t sleep any more, or worse, I have to go to work. Everyday I look at my goals in life and realize they are all unattainable, just like my previous goals that I’ve failed to achieve. And everyday things look just a little bit bleaker than the day before. So, I want to die but don’t have the courage. I’m 27 living at my parents and am in recovery from drug […]

I just don’t think I can do it anymore. I’ve been suffering with dysthymia since the seventh grade almost and fifteen now, but last night I think did me over completely. My family and I got into a huge altercation last night that led to words being said that I’d never thought I’d hear outside my own mind. “You’re crazy, *****, you ruin everything, I don’t want anything to do with you” “You ruined my life” (coming from my own mother). I used to tell myself these things in my mind. Along with fat, slut, stupid, and ugly. But I just thought maybe it’s all […]

I just do.

I’m not angry, or depressed.

I just think things have gone far enough for me, and I’m happy to take the next step, its no biggy.

Problem is I can’t see myself actually doing it, and I don’t know how long it will take to muster up the courage to do it. Maybe a few years? Maybe never, actually, is more likely.

Its a shame because every day I live is like one pointless extra day.

Anyway, hope everyone is OK.

I feel like I’m drowning, I’m screaming for help but there’s no one there to save me. I feel worthless, useless, unloved. I feel totally alone. I feel there’s no hope for me now. In the space of 4 weeks I have lost everything. My partner of 12 years had a breakdown of his own…. well that’s what I am assuming, he was paranoid, angry all the time, saying crazy things and acting crazy, so I suggested he take a night away to have some space. He got out of the car and said ” see you tomorrow ” and I haven’t seen him since. […]

I’ve spent the last few hours re-naming and organizing my music.

The entire time, I think to myself what I would play at different parties that people would like.  I label tracks for different environments of parties.  Songs for special occasions.

But, I’m 43 and no one is going to come over to hear my music.  Ever again.

And yet, I plan for it just in case.

Ive always been a strange child but to complicate my already loner ways when i was 10 i was raped for the first time furthering my dislike of anyone with a pulse. Slowly, although still a strange child I found a group of outcast not as myself but not let in the elite inner circle to hang out with. that is until i was raped for the 2nd time at 15, this time it wasnt quick and it wasnt just one person for almost a day they did things to me that still haunt me to this day. After these events my predetermined odd nature […]

I hate high school so much. It always brings up my suicidal feelings. No matter how deep I bury them they always seem to reappear. I’ve given up on trying to make friends. I’ve lived in this town for 7 years and I’ve lost every friend I’ve ever made. I must have became “friends“ with over a hundred people in those past seven years, and I’ve only actually left 1 of them all the rest left me. 

I eat lunch by myself outside and I hate it. I hate all of the stares I get. I hate how this popular girl talks to me sometimes just […]

alone…. always so alone….  but then wait, here comes someone…. oh its dad…  he just wants to talk about how depressed he is, and how he isnt feeling good, and then he’ll proceed to tell me about everything ive done wrong and what i should have done…  maybe he thinks i can travel time….  but it just gets me so upset…  i never make anyone happy…  not a single soul…  not even myself.

so why am i still here? why do i keep trying….  i dont know…  id say that i dont want to miss out on something amazing that might happen, but over 10 years […]

to be or not to be

I am realizing a day at a time that I’m losing you. I’m realizing everything that I feel for you is disappearing. I’m realizing day by day that I am losing a lot of things to live for. The meaning to live is dissolving in to dust. Just blowing away with the wind. And you see me upset losing myself all you do is walk away. I’m sorry I waste your time, When you see me quiet you should know that I had enough with everything…….You should know I am down and lost when I am quiet. When I am quiet that means I am […]

This isn’t about any kind of depression, this post is about real pain- the physical kind.

My spine is overwhelming me right now. It’s making my leg practically useless.

Have you ever had a pain so bad that you felt like running straight through a wall?
I mean like even if the wall didn’t brake, still running at it in full speed… Where was I going with this? ..oh yeah.. It hurts that bad!

Sometimes I just want to go to the hospital, but that ain’t going to happen less I can’t walk or it hurts to lift my head (I mean paralyzingly painful) for hours […]

I think it might be time to just end it all… I am giving up i lost all i wanted goodbye everyone maybe i will at least be able to watch over her and keep her safe when i am no longer here.

For whoever was wondering, after roughly six months of not posting, I’m still here.

“Why’d you stay?” you ask?

I fell in love with a beautiful, strong girl.

She’s gotten me through coming out, and she is my strength and my heart.

I still have my episodes, my panic attacks, but she’s helped me through it all.

I don’t understand her patience, her love, or why she is with a mess like me, but I don’t know how I should ever thank her.

We’ve had intimate conversations about self-harming and suicide, and the one day, she took my cutting arm and kissed every spot where my cuts had been. I’ve never […]

It has come to my attention that my disease is never going away. It is incurable. I’ve recently talked to a woman that is now 83, who has been on pills for this since she was 18. I’m 16. Never again can i spend the night, spur of the moment. If i miss too many pills they tell me my body will go into shock. That’s nice. I’m worried about my future, can i even have a child? I’ve researched that it may be complicated, depending. I have a higher chance for getting cancer. I have a chance of going blind. All these nice little […]

With all of this stress at school and no one to talk to…I don’t know how much more I can take. It feels like I’m literally watching everyone I love turn their backs on me and continue on with their lives. I miss my friends and I miss having companions. I’ve been at college for almost 3 weeks and I still have no friends. I’m just really sad and need a hug.

in no way do I condone there acts, just am trying to learn or understand if the columbine shooters planed their deaths before hand or just on the spur of the moment did they create a situation where it was the only option I find it interesting if they commitied the acts knowing they were going to die y not just kill themselves and not take out so many kids ,