I just don’t think I can do it anymore. I’ve been suffering with dysthymia since the seventh grade almost and fifteen now, but last night I think did me over completely. My family and I got into a huge altercation last night that led to words being said that I’d never thought I’d hear outside my own mind. “You’re crazy, *****, you ruin everything, I don’t want anything to do with you” “You ruined my life” (coming from my own mother). I used to tell myself these things in my mind. Along with fat, slut, stupid, and ugly. But I just thought maybe it’s all in my head, maybe it’s just you. But hearing it come out of two different mouths beside my own let’s me know that it’s all true. I’ve been wanting to die for some years now but last night put the icing on the cake. The only thing that stopped me from really doing it is the thought of recovery. That maybe recovery is real, maybe I will soon start the progress of feeling happy sooner than I know it. That day never came.
I’ve never contemplated suicide so much until last night and I think I really wanna do it. I mean why not? The only thing that’s stopping me is the thought of it not working and I get discovered, thrown in a psych ward for evaluation and then put on a ton of meds for good. But I’m sure I’ll get over that soon. And I can’t keep bothering my best friend every time my craziness gets a hold of me, annoying him. I need to just end my sadness once and for all.
1 comment
Wow, I’m very sorry to hear that has happened to you. I hope you do know that those words were most likely spoken in the spur of the moment and do not genuinely reflect how she feels about you.
“Maybe recovery is real, maybe I will soon start the progress of feeling happy sooner than I know it. That day never came”
Who is there to say it’s too late for it to come? Recovery is not something that will appear on your doorstep, it is a process that must be enacted on your own terms and given a hefty investment of mental, physical and emotional effort. Recovering from suicidal thoughts is not something that is easily accomplished and is a gradual change. The first step is wanting to live. If you can give yourself a reason to live then you’ve already completed pretty much the hardest step, the other being maintaining it. You need to want to recover in order to recover. And then after establishing your desire you must put in the effort to recover, which is much easier said than done. I can’t say I’ve begun it myself, ha.
Why shouldn’t you commit suicide? Ultimately I respect your decision either way, but I believe you have potential and that in itself is a reason to live. The only way you’ll ever be able to experience a life you enjoy is if you live. By living you’re giving yourself the opportunity to create a life that you may enjoy. Once you’re dead, you’re gone forever and that is that. You won’t experience anything, you won’t exist anymore. Maybe that’s what you want, but is it really? You’re young, surely you must have some desire to “live” a little and experience life a bit? I hope you decide what’s best for you.
Also, you say you’re afraid of bothering people, is there anyone else you can talk to specifically when you’re feeling down? Like a therapist or something? If not you could always find a friend on here, lots of people hear are willing to listen. Good luck