so I don’t know where to even start, I’m going to college this fall. I don’t know if Im excited or not about it… I don’t want to leave my family, I hate them at times and get in fights with them but I still think I will miss them a little even though I’ve been dying to get out for years cause I cant take all there shit. Im bi and I feel like that is going to stop me from making friends and I’m worried about that already. I have horrid anxiety and depression and so thats not helping at all. I haven’t […]

Sam Worth was my friend. He battled depression for many years after his family was taken from him. His wife died in childbirth, his daughter 4 years later from cancer. He told me once that SP saved his life. That he met people here who truly understood and wanted to help. In return he tried to help where he could. I know because he helped me. a lot.

He died in hospital last week. Cancer.

Goodbye, friend.

I have anxiety, stress. When I wake up everyday I am in a state of panic. It takes about 30 mins of meditation to slow to heart rate from about 130 down to 70 beats per minute. My girlfriend says I shout in my sleep sometimes. After I slow my heart I can think straight again. But it takes about another hour before I can actually eat anything. So I get up every day around 6.

I can feel my heart all the time. When someone says something to me, I can actually feel how my body has reacted to it in my pulse and in […]

I resolved today to kill myself by August 22nd. First I fired my therapist. I had been seeing her for four years, but don’t feel any better. Next I found the family shotgun and started researching how to load it and where I can go to practice. Next I researched ******** bag deaths and put together a list of what I need to do learn how to do that. I wrote a list of practical things that will need to be done after my death (where my birth certificate it, where my bank account is, etc.).

I have been […]

I used to feed these cats across the street. I got them spayed and neutered. I fed them for 10 years and the man took the key away. Now the cats are starving. They are known as feral. They do not know how to hunt. I am sad for them trying to help them. I will someway. I am sad and scared. I am scared all the time. Im not sure why I am so scared all the time. Maybe it is my father who used to hit me all the time when I […]

I don’t know how to write this, I’ve never written something like this before, so I guess il just start, I’m sorry if it sounds stupid or doesn’t make sense.

I don’t know how much longer I can feel this way, I had an amazing weekend, I was happy for the first time in years, but alas, 5 days on and I am back to where I began. I have a psychologist that I see and sometimes a psychiatrist, also two people from a subsection of the nhs who come and check on me as I am 17.

I was going to be admitted to a hospital […]

Hey . I feel much better reading all the stories. But tomorrow’s just another day when I’ll go back to bein miserable and angry and biting off people’s heads . Wish there was somethin tat would make me stop. I just want to be normal

I am starting to get really paranoid. About everything. I ALWAYS feel like I am being lied to. All the freaking time.

I am also starting to hate everything that has to do with me. I mean, I never really liked myself but…
See that right there? I trail off way too much.
I can’t even finish a sentence.
Kill me, please. I really don’t want to be here.

Just when you think everything has turned around an your life is getting better it just fucks you over. Well at least how it turned for me..

I wished to die. Many times. Sometimes I would like awake at night, wishing that I would never wake up. I hate my job. My job hates me, My mom blames me for everything. My brother calls me stupid and overreacting. I can’t open up to anyone because they’ll think I am being overly dramatic. It hurts. And outside, I pretend to be cheerful and caring because I know that that’s how people get to like you, It hurt before when my friends all left me when I became “emo.” I learned that you shouldn’t let friends know what you really feel. Well, honestly, I […]

Recently I have done a project on suicide. Some of the things that I have discovered are truly sad, and disturbing. It makes me really sad to think that someone would end there life over bullying, a lost loved one, and just because they are plain depressed. Your life is so much more worth to live and you don’t even understand. To the people around you, your life makes them feel like living. Your life is something precious to hold on to. Being bullied because your gay, bi, they say your “ugly”, or too “fat” please don’t believe them. Even though it’s extremely hard at […]

I continuously listen Bring Me The Horizon’s song ‘Sempiternal’. Every lyric, every phrase I understand, and relate to. I really am going nowhere, and the scary thing is, I just don’t care. I’ve lost all interest in even the slightest exciting thing in my life. I use to be a great sportswoman. I played for my local soccer club, swimming 3 times a week, and did Taekwondo for around 3 years. I was sooo happy and people often mistaken me for having ADHD, due to my hyper exciting personality. Wow, I miss it. The thing is, something changed. something happened, and it was almost as […]

The history of Earth does not indicate the existence of a supreme being that is worthy of worship.

Religion acts as an obstruction to discovering new truths.

“In the nineteenth century the problem was that God is dead; in the twentieth century the problem is that man is dead”

In a world where irrationality is largely the norm, rationality does not often seem to be conducive to happiness.

 

Tonight is the night. The night i feel the pain in my heart as my stomach turns. I cut my skin and the blood is slightly darker than normal. I look in the mirror and my eyes are coals, my hair is tar and the night is warm..stars twinkle “Do it”. Eyeing the scissors on my desk already bloody. What’s more blood? Transparent He appears to whisper how perfect tonight is…will I go through with it this time?

Drumroll please

I don’t know how to make decisions.  Even small decisions baffle me so how am I supposed to make decisions regarding suicide (do I really do it?  how?  when?).  How do you make crucial decisions when you cannot foresee the future?  Let’s say my future is going to be three more years.  I have a wasting condition so those will certainly be suffering years.  However, I could commit to grit my teeth and bear it because I know my suffering will be done in three years.  That will save my family from the pain of losing me by suicide.  That way I won’t have to […]

What’s the point of even trying anymore?  It’s clear that things will never change, these rash and stupid emotions that plague me daily will never stop no matter what drug I take or how high I get. I used to think it was just a phase, just something people go through but now I see that i’m not capable of being a “normal” person anymore, I have seen the world for what it truly is and no matter what therapy I try I can’t change how I see things. I turn 20 in august and I have so much fear of another year going by […]

Just now. It was over something really stupid, a game with my younger sisters. I was pretending to be asleep, they were trying to wake me up. Dad asked if we wanted to go to the pool. I didn’t, so I kept pretending. They mocked me, called me rude, and said they knew I would move from that position as soon as they left. Harmless kid stuff, really. But as soon as they left, I just started crying. I knew I was going to lose and I just didn’t want to lose. I looked for ways to ‘get revenge’ I found none. I took a […]

we think we are superior than animals, we are animals ourselves. our houses made of wood and rocks. that’s all we are, a speck, waiting to go back to dust. that’s all we are. why experience this life at all? what gives. it’s sad to think I used to believe in magic, magic don’t exist. happiness don’t exist. life is just some big joke, one big mistake. my thoughts are the cause of my very depression and anxiety. I envy the dead.

I’m sorry for the upcoming vent, I need to get it out.

So, I really want to kill myself right now.
I just miss my brother like hell, ever since he took his own life about 10 months ago, i haven’t been happy. Time drags me through life but i don’t want to. I don’t want to move on because it feels like forgetting. And I hate myself because i feel like i’m already starting to forget how exactly his voice sounded or how his smile was. He was my everything, besides my brother also my best friend.
Then besides that, i feel so lonely. It […]