I wished to die. Many times. Sometimes I would like awake at night, wishing that I would never wake up. I hate my job. My job hates me, My mom blames me for everything. My brother calls me stupid and overreacting. I can’t open up to anyone because they’ll think I am being overly dramatic. It hurts. And outside, I pretend to be cheerful and caring because I know that that’s how people get to like you, It hurt before when my friends all left me when I became “emo.” I learned that you shouldn’t let friends know what you really feel. Well, honestly, I don’t care. Or do I? It’s so ironic that we all live our lives, some pretending not to care, while we all really do but just won’t admit it. It’s so ironic that I contemplate with suicide every night, but I don’t because I know that my mom will just blame me for being so “stupid as to kill myself.”
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4 comments
Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I felt similarly when I was younger but things got better when I became an adult and was able to be out on my own and meet quality friends. Hope things get better 🙂
“I learned that you shouldn’t
let friends know what you really feel.” Agreed.. But usually its very hard to hide how we feel from our closest friends… Sometimes things end up getting harder. This is definitily something that I can try to work on.
My mom is like yours.. She thinks that Im acting, that I dont really feel like I do.. If I had been successful at killing myself she’d think the same as yours.
You should always tell “friends” what you really feel. That way, you won’t have “friends” who abandon you when they discover that you feel something other than what they thought you were. Be honest, and those who stay are actual friends. Those who disappear when you have problems, aren’t worth your time or energy, and were never really friends.
Unless, of course, you’re satisfied with having fair-weather friends, who don’t actually care about you, unless you’re happy and thriving and benefiting them in some way. You don’t need leeches to suck you dry. You need friends who actually care enough to want to help if they can, without needing to impose their requirements upon you, just to “allow you” to be friends with them.
telly34: Thanks a lot 🙂
Tristeza: I’m sort of glad (and at the same time not) that someone else’s mom is like mine! I thought mine is sort of one-of-a-kind.
clevername (and yes, your username is clever 🙂 ): what happened to me before was that I told my friends what I really feel and they sort of blabbed it all over school and I turned into some sort of emo-suicidal-freak and it really hurt me. Which is probably why I’m on guard all the time. you’re right; I do need friends. I need true friends. But I don’t know how to know if they are true friends. I honestly don’t.
Thank you all for your advice and sympathy. I really appreciate it. 🙂