This truly is Sempiternal.

I continuously listen Bring Me The Horizon’s song ‘Sempiternal’. Every lyric, every phrase I understand, and relate to. I really am going nowhere, and the scary thing is, I just don’t care. I’ve lost all interest in even the slightest exciting thing in my life. I use to be a great sportswoman. I played for my local soccer club, swimming 3 times a week, and did Taekwondo for around 3 years. I was sooo happy and people often mistaken me for having ADHD, due to my hyper exciting personality. Wow, I miss it. The thing is, something changed. something happened, and it was almost as sudden as someone flicking a switch in my emotions. It wasn’t a normal teenage change.. When I turned 14, in year 2010. My whole world was turned upside down. In high school, I was a nobody, completely invisible. Even teachers found it hard to acknowledge my existance in class. ‘Friends’ were always too busy to hang with me, I did have a few close friends that I hung out with but they just weren’t my type of people… my type of people… we’re losers. I started skipping school to hang out with the ‘cool people’ to get away from the daily torture of bullies in my own class.  I didn’t care what I was doing just as long as I didn’t have to sit in class, listening to the countless names and paper being chucked at me. Of course the teachers were completely naive to any of this bullying, and if I ever retaliated, I was the person who was bad, I was causing a ‘disruptance’ in the class. So more and more each day I began to skip school. We’d skip school to go get high. It was the best feeling in the world as soon as I exhaled, all of my worries, negativity and anger suddenly left my mind. Temporarily. This soon became a daily occurance, and I’d even find myself anticipating the moment the bell rang for end of school, so my ‘friends’ and I could go do drugs in the bush. The novelty soon began to wear off, and my grades and performance in class was getting worse each week. Of course it was seen by my parents and teachers as ‘rebellious’ behaviour, so I was sent to the guidance counsellor. Because of my fake ‘friends’ and the addiction to drugs which developed due to escaping the daily harrasment in class, problems began to build up and I began to cut myself to find physical relief from the emotional pain I was feeling. I regret that first cut, and If I could I would go back to that day and make sure that blade never touched my skin. This started the ultimate turmoil and downwards spiral into a depression which I have yet to escape. To cut the two years spent at that school short: wagging, drugs, unprotected sex, and complete and utter disrespect somes up my time at high school. Until one day, I was expelled for an incident, I will open up about later. ( I have yet to accept it myself and have been denying it for 3 years). Upon leaving the school and being placed in a transition programme, which is connected to the treatment centre where I had been receiving therapy. I though this was my escape. I felt happy for awhile and thought this ‘phase’ was over. I was wrong. It only made matters worse, because of course when you are under 16, you still have to be enrolled in a school. So off to the new high school on my first day, I already had a plan thought out in my head: Keep your head down, don’t speak unless spoken to, focus on your work and don’t fuck up. I developed selective mutism and found it utterly agonising to be forced to speak with my fellowr classmates, or teachers. Some accepted they were not going to get a word out of me, so they left it at that. Others thought it would be a great opportunity to pick on the new kid. ”Are you deaf?, oi fuckwit?,” ”why don’t you speak loser?”, ”she’s too dumb to speak”. just a few greetings some guys from my class thought was appropriate. In my second year of high school, things started to improve. I had a best friend, a group of great friends, or so I thought. It was the popular girl’s birthday and practically everyone was invited. ”Of course you can come,” everyone told me. So I waited for the invitation, it never came.  That week I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder with psychotic features. I felt so scared to be alone and was excited that I had been invited to a party, I went shopping for a dress and whole outfit, I took my meds without fuss and began settling into this new diagnosis, glad that people still accepted me for who I am. But the next day after the party absolutely everyone was shoving it in my face, saying I Just wasn’t fun enough to be at a party. From then on I received cold shoulders, excuses and utter rudeness. There goes my group of friends, my best friend of course couldn’t be friends with me, because she was given the ultimatum between me or their group. The rest of the year went really slowly, I woke up everyday depressed and disappointed that I had to go back to that place, the teachers treated me like shit and my guidance counsellor kept wanting to talk about my past which I absolutely hate and regret and am sick to death of discussing my feelings. Somehow the news of me being expelled from my old school, and why got around my new school. I received death stares and looks of horror from people I didn’t even know, some people though gave me high fives and said they wish they had the courage. Anyways the rest is boring, I failed year 12 and could not stand going back for 13. So I enrolled in a tec course. Thinking I’d be entering a mature and friendly environment. I was dead wrong. I myself never got directly involved in pathetic drama, but somehow it found it’s way to me. stupid.childish.drama. The stress of being forced to take sides, and provide constant support for those in the drama aswell as trying to look after my own well being, my mental health of course was neglected. I unfortunately have the problem of caring too much for other people and making sure they are okay, but not myself. The immense pressure i was put under daily, having to mediate fights, and pathetic arguments, and remembering who has done what, my psychotic features began to appear. I began to neglect my appearance, and care for my own safety, I literally began to lose my mind, and still am. So this is where my story currently is and  I am just so lost in this world it feels so surreal. It’s never ending I don’t feel real and feel too fatigued to even kill myself. Everyday It becomes more and more harder to differentiate between what’s real and what isn’t. Being told to kill yourself, yet not knowing if it is real is the most terrifying thing ever. My parents don’t understand I just don’t care anymore, and hope one day that I give in to my demons and end this life. I know that I won’t get better, this dark hole just keeps getting deeper and darker , It’s gotten to a point where antidepressants are basically sugar pills. My anti-psychotic meds have horrible side effects and to be honest I have become comfotable with the thought that with these voices I am never alone. even if they tell me to hurt myself and others. It may sound crazy but I am torn between life and death and lately, I just feel so numb that I don’t even know if I will get out of this depression so I think my best solution is to kill myself.