she said all my poems are shit. maybe they are. they probably are…maybe i’ll just stop writing and singing and drawing and painting…cause she says it’s all worth shit.

I just realised that lonliness only hurts if you fight against it. You can make your lonliness your own company.

One day, maybe just one day, everyone will finally understand how tired I was and how broken I was. One day I’ll prove everyone wrong who thought I couldn’t kill myself becuase I was weak that I can. One day I’ll get my revenge. One day I’ll die and be happy again because I left the world who made me suffer. Just one day.

I’ve never felt the emotion, love. I don’t feel any connection to anyone in my life. I’m sure some people will miss me but I don’t care. I’m not going to live because others want me to.
It makes sense to me, though, not feeling love. There’s nothing wrong with my heart (to my knowledge) but love and other emotions don’t actually come from the heart – they come from the brain. I already know that my brain is fucked up – it’s the reason I want to die.

I can’t do it anymore, getting out of bed in the morning with a fake smile at everybody who “cares” about me.  Why do people become my friends, then hurt me.

“How does your boyfriend even look at you?  Answer me you piece of trash.”

I want a way out, so bad.

But I’m not strong enough to do it.

My family loves me, and I can’t do it to them.

Just because they don’t know how I actually feel.

I’m sorry…that I didn’t do it so many years ago.

My sister and I were just discussing our futures. Little does she know that I’ll be dead soon. This made cry. I’m going to ruin my family’s lives because I’m unsatisfied with mine. I feel so low at the moment. I can’t think properly.

It hurts.

All of this.

I can feel that my death is approaching. Is it best to say goodbye to my loved ones or should I leave with no explanation?

I think THIS week is finally the time when I do it and succeed. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. It’s a peaceful thought.

 That is the REAL question.

i want to run away
i just cannot stay
I don’t know what to say.
I just can’t sit and wait.
It has to happen
I swear it does
this is what’s right.
must. spill. blood.
I know you’ll be sad
but my life is bad.
it drove me mad.
I can’t stay sane.
I try to speak
but no one’s listening.
I can’t tell you why.
I can’t say goodbye.
I don’t wanna cry.
I just wanna fly.

So HI.
for the very last time.
hello!
I’m sorry I must go!
bonjour!
You’ll understand I’m sure!
Hola!
You won’t be sad for long!
Hey,
I’m […]

Its hard, really hard to wake up each morning and not know if your best friend is going to be alive. That the girl who always made you happy, made you laugh, made you smile, might never again. Its harder to know that its your fault. Looking back i see how obvious it was. Calling herself fat, spending ages in front of the mirror, exercising religiously. I should have known. I saw her getting thinner with my own eyes. I don’t know why it didn’t click. Its fitting though, i suppose, that as i killed the girl who always made me happy, i never will be […]

We didn’t think she’d die.
We’d never seen her cry.
We all thought she was fine.
Picture perfect,
Alright.
We didn’t know.
She didn’t show.
She never frowned.
We never expected it.
but she died.
Suicide.
**********************************************************
I hated life
I wanted to go.
ask me why
i don’t know.
I would smile
and laugh.
it was all just an act.
and as a matter of fact.
I didn’t give a crap.
Didn’t care if they cried.
I didn’t give a crap.
I just wanted to die.
Suicide.
************************************************************
I knew something happened.
I just felt so bad.
And then I got a call,
she […]

The day I realised I cannot have you changed everything
My behaviour
The people I used to hang with
The places I used to go to
The things I used to do

I’d never thought I’d love someone this much
I’d die for you
I’d do everything to see you smile

But all of that is…useless

The only things that make me forget about my faliure are:
Ketamine
Heroin
Mephedrone
LSD
Valium

It’s like having your own harem of death…and I love it

All of this….just to forget you and let you live your life without you remembering me
All of this….just for you….love you forever…you’ll always be my guardian […]

A week or so ago, my stepdad told me I couldn’t save my boyfriend, that in the end the only person I can save is myself. I felt a little part of myself die that day… My shrink told me that I take on everyone else’s problems along with my own. My middle school science teacher told me I could put my rebellious energy into something good, that he believed in me. My boyfriend tells me he can tell that I will be a good mother to our children some day… My grandma used to tell me I’m chubby. My teachers always tell me I’m […]

I’m reading about how it’s the second most popular method in Hong Kong.  Right after jumping.  Here’s a study.  http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/186/1/67.full

I think I’m gonna go for it.

*Note: I’m not condoning suicide or this particular method I’m just curious if it’s worth trying.  I don’t want to fuck something up like suicide.  This is for harm reduction purposes.

I realised something.. I’m nobody’s favoroute anything, nobodys favoroute friend, child, person to talk to, person to hang out with.. Anybodys favoroute nothing! I’m the kid in the house that my parents don’t have to worry about, I get good grades, I stay out of trouble, I do what they tell me to do..But the thing is, they start to not only not worry, but not care..

I’ve been depressed for 4 years, they’ve never noticed..

Silent Screams is so appropriate because i don’t want people to feel sorry for me or know what i’m going through.. Most nights lately usually ends with me crying myself to sleep. […]

I think I’ve been cursed.There’s no other explanation for this melodrama my life has become.These horrifying chain events that have been happening to me make me smile,because Universe has a kick ass sense of humour. I just feel like screaming to it to give me more sh*t I can’t handle.Is this the best you can do,Universe?C’mon,surely,you can kill those few people I care about or something that bad.I know it’s gonna happen,surely nothing GOOD is going to happen to me. I’ve stopped hoping for that a long time ago. Maybe if I have been cursed I could curse as well.All those fuc*ers that gave me […]

I’m getting closer to the end here, and I don’t think anything will help anymore  (not that I need help or advice). This note is just for me and anyone who is on the same path as I am. I wish you luck in your life, but maybe I am just saying that because it’s the norm of things to say those kind of stuff. But, regardless. Good luck.

My suicide thoughts at night: Wait for step-dad to buy alcohol and leave it in the fridge over night. I go in next morning and steal the alcohol from the fridge. I make my way to one of […]