i have an interview. im nervous. anxiety of being judged just by stepping out the door. but theres two outcomes, i get it or i dont. if i get it its good if i dont then i dont. so itll be fine. but still..im nervouse!!

Ok here goes.

I’ve hated my life from the moment I became aware that life sucks hard. I was 10 when my loser, self hating mother died. I say self hating because she was married to an emotionally distant man who only bothered to turn up to impregnate her every so often. She got sick, he didn’t care. In fact I remember distinctly how he would take my sister and I to his girlfriends (yes plural) whenever she had a hospital appointment (they would turn on the TV and reappear when it was time to go home, nice). Interesting to note now that he was a […]

For one thing I turned off the fucking T”V – nothing like bad news streaming into a vulnerable consciousness. Staying away as much as possible from assholes helps too  but, feeling hopeless and anxious is still present; just ramped down.

I see very young people here and realize I’ve been like this since that young age – you either resort to drugs, alcohol and then get into even more hopeless situations- you would think that after all this time I wouldn’t do that; HA

I have no answers

So I had me an hour of sleep, awesome. Got to plaster on some emotions so I can blend into this dark landscape that’s my life and carry on one more day.

do I bother trusting this person. I have no trust in anyone anymore, and now someone wants to help me stop cutting.. it’s an ex, who’s cheated on me with my so called best friend. he says he’ll do whatever it takes for me to stop. I’ve no idea what to say to him and if I agree to let him help me. how can he do so? trust is a big issue for me. and should I even trust him to help me after I’ve been treated so badly.  what’s the point in life if there’s no trustanywhere?

The assessment went well. Apart from the fact that she wanted to drug me up. I have another appointment on the 4th october. All I heard her say was ‘Hopefully the anti-depressants will make the voice go away’.

Lol.

I didn’t have the heart to explain why I don’t want daniel to leave, So I just sat there and blanked out everything else she had to say. And I went for smart, But as I stood up she gave me a wierd look. :I Thanks. I needed that confidence boost.

Got my exam results as well! I passes everything, Some only just. But got an A in product […]

Just went crazy, throwing stuff around my room, breaking stuff. Yelled at my parents on the phone, threatening suicide.

I’ve had several panic attacks, feeling convinced that my life is over. This one is the worst one yet. I feel like it will continue like this until i’m finally ready to die

Don’t have a good way to do it though. Scared of brain damage with hanging. No access to guns/drugs/poison

So I finally in past months accepted the fact I’m bad person/human being. Why am I, well many things. I have either been told these things by random people or overheard them saying it and noticed most of it myself. I am in general unlikable, most people are very insincere to me. Most people ignore me or distance themselves. Even in best times when I was trying to be upbeat and involved in making things in my life better people still seemed to since something. I was overweight till 21(260 plus pounds), lost weight(135 pounds).  Didn’t change much, I just developed a eating disorder that […]

2. Year college student. Finished my first year with straight A’s. Got completely burntout.
This triggered a major depression. Have had issues since i was 12- 13. Anxiety disorders, OCD, depression, suicidal thoughts. Also suffering from existential angst. Also inferiority complex and self-loathing

Also have some love-related issues

I seem to be way too exhausted to get good grades this term. The semester just started sso i have the opportunity to take take a half-year leave to recover. In the future however i would just take that as a token of how a massive failure i am. Also i feel that everyone would despise me over something […]

I do not tend to be awful and immature.

Just a lot of changes becoming forth

A challenge, I may presume

I had let past and emotion get the best of me

This time, I have thought it over, now until forward into the future

I shall just focus to control my lifestyle

Apologies to your family, friends and mostly towards you

This time, I shall not let you down.

I shall try to fix what is left

but if on your behalf; if you chose, I shall stay away.

My apologies.

A friend.

P.S. If you want, I shall return some stuff back

I’m getting  drunk at the moment. Need to talk to someone about everything , I have someone I can talk to but I’ve never told anyone that I’m suicidal…. What would they think of me?

So I have put a lot of thought into this and decided that I truly want to end my life. I have been battling with this for years and tried several different ways of working this out. I have lost my job (which was everything to me) due to my “personality” which was the wake up call. I no longer belong to this world and am ready to leave. The method I have chosen is asphyxiation. I am still working a few things out I will do a trial run and write my letter and hopefully be gone for this world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k

I consider myself very blessed. I have a good job, I am somewhat successful even though I am not wealthy. My family is did functional but who’s is not. For the last month I have been feeling down. I had a bad break up a while ago and I was doing fine, seeing other people and just having fun. But lately I cannot break free from this hold over me, I hardly eat I am easily angered and I lost interest in my hobbies. I feel as if I am lost in a crowd. I feel like I am doomed to loneliness for eternity. I […]

My name is Lyndsay & this is my experience in hell on earth.
I’m 20 years old, female, college student.
The craziest year of my life started August of  2011… Right around my birthday…. It seems like my birthday is a celebration of the worst times in my life. It’s like oh joy but not why you might think.
I was attending college and living at home with my mom and little brother. I had known that my mom had an addiction to pills all of my childhood. This has caused more problems than you can imagine (example seeing her go through withdraws and throwing […]

I can’t keep hoping everything will take a turn. No matter what my therapist or family tell me, I let hope go a long time ago.

I cry because I know the only way out. I cry because I have no future. I cry randomly.

I pop a pill prescribed for panic attacks and anxiety. Klonapin. Oh my.

I shouldn’t have to take a zoloft, 3 buspar and 2 klonapin to get through every day.. So lets take my days away. I want to leave and feel pain. Then I’d feel.. I’d feel happy. Relief. Happy. Relief. Happy. Relief. Happy…? Relief…?
Die.

I want to fade away. There is very little of me already I’m an empty shell in fact if I wato full it would be of pain but sadly (no pun intended ) that shit won’t do you any good. Idk how I’m going to do it but it will be soon.

I want to erase myself. not kill myself, but erase myself, I feel empty. I wish my parents would never have given birth to me. I don’t want to be a memory I want to dissappear. To have never existed.

how do you deal with depression and suicidal thoughts
when those who hurt you most and brings you to depression
and suicidal thoughts are those you love so dearly?
how do you cope with it when those you love so dearly are family,
family who you will have to see and interact with,
the ones you are tied with for the rest of your life.

My life has been getting harder and harder. I’m completely fucked up. I’m sadistic.  Corrupted as a child, and now completely twisted inside. I’ve seen too much for a teenager. My family is the exact opposite of your typical white picked fenced happy-go-lucky families. My Dad a bipolar screaming gym head with horrid anger issues. My mother, too physically impaired to even care about anything but going back home to her “Real” family. I have no siblings. I have no friends. It’s hard enough that I’m extremely timid and shy, it upsets me to an extreme to simply look someone in the eye. But also people don’t […]

Im only 19 years old so I’m pretty new to this. I pretty sure were all here cuz we’re hurting an like many of u I think about killing myself all the time. But instead I’d figure I’ll try to fin help. I dnt have to pay any bills I love my mom I love my brothers I perfectly heatly. I jus got out of high school on my way to college I got a job. No kids no family lost. I’m pretty tall beautiful on the outside all is well but for some reason I’m soooo unhappy I dnt know why. Cuz I dnt […]