It’s not like anyone will miss me.

My life has been getting harder and harder. I’m completely fucked up. I’m sadistic.  Corrupted as a child, and now completely twisted inside. I’ve seen too much for a teenager. My family is the exact opposite of your typical white picked fenced happy-go-lucky families. My Dad a bipolar screaming gym head with horrid anger issues. My mother, too physically impaired to even care about anything but going back home to her “Real” family. I have no siblings. I have no friends. It’s hard enough that I’m extremely timid and shy, it upsets me to an extreme to simply look someone in the eye. But also people don’t like me. I’m a freak. An ugly weirdo. It’s not that they bully me, but they refuse to talk to me. I honestly sometimes wish they’d pick on me, so I’d get some sort of attention, or social interaction. These past months I’ve been very depressed. Crying myself to sleep almost every night. I stare into the mirror and just point out my flaws. I’ve lost interest in sports, singing, drawing, in everything. I use to be able to poor my feelings and loneliness out into poetry, but even that spark burned out on me. I’m unwanted at school, at home, it’s like everywhere I go, people don’t want me there. I have this aching pain in my chest, I feel a huge weight on my shoulders. It’s too overwhelming, it hurts. Worse than any physical pain I’ve felt before. I tried going to conselours. They just called CPS on my family and made my Dad hate me even more. I’ve smoked weed, (Please don’t lecture me, I was desperate for escape.) which at first helped, but eventually just made my depression worsen. Nobody cares about me. Nobody even knows I exist. I don’t want to die particurlarly, but I can’t escape this pain. Sometimes out of nowhere I burst into tears because of it, I’m so fucking pathetic. I also realized I enjoy seeing others in pain. And I catch myself daydreaming about this bubbly beautiful happy girl in my class being tortured, and it’s honestly entertaining, sometimes even arousing. I’m a bad person. I’m ugly and disgusting, inside and out. Nobody gives a shit about me, my Dad even said he hates me. I have no one to talk to. This depression and hurt has swallowed me whole. I have no clue who I am anymore. When I look in the mirror all I see is a monster, who needs to be put down. I’m tired of crying, sick of dragging myself out into a world that hates me. Suicide sounds real sweet. I don’t want to die. I honestly don’t. But I can’t fucking take it anymore. It’s too hard. I know others have it way worse. But fuck it’s so fucking painful. “Children in Africa have a harder time than you,” -Conselour at my school. I know that, I know it’s true. But goddamit. It’s still extruciating to me. I’ve lost the point in my existance. My bones literally ache. I can barely taste food anymore, I know I can, but it’s all bland to me now, even though it tastes different, in some sort of way it still tastes the same; like shit. Everything’s shit. Looks, sounds, tastes, like complete shit. It’s impossible to even force a small smirk on my face. It hurts too much. Life has been testing me, bending me, seeing how far I can go til’ I snapp. And I have, a long time ago. I’m just a worthless shell now. It’s too much to handle. I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry.