I’m fucked up.  There’s no other way to say that.  I’m barely a teenager, and I’ve been cutting and drinking and hoping to die since before I was a teen at all.  My life is great, loving family, getting by financially, the only flaw is my father, and he’s not a big enough part to matter.   So why am I so numb?

It used to be anxiety, depression, horrible fits of one or both, but never underlying, aching, burning pain like this, all the time.  I can’t see or feel or be aware of almost anything outside myself.  It’s like I’m asleep, all the time.  Except for […]

My English teacher assigned us to write out a memory, and then turn it into a poem.

Guess what, Madam Beotch?

All my memories make me want to die.

I settled for writing about the time my dad got pissed off at me for not wanting to eat fucking half-cooked chicken for dinner when I was 6, and he put me in the empty cellar hole with no way to get out for hours, until it was dark, and then he came back and called me a stupid ***** and a whore like my mom.

So I write this because I figure it’s better than the story of the […]

I have no control over my life. I have to rely on so many others just to get one task done. I hate myself for letting if get to this stage. I am very independent and hate having to ask others for help. Fuck this. So angry right now.

A warm tone seeped from the speakers, Old wood paneled flee market speakers, Such quality as to make anything sound delicious. They stood 3 feet tall and sat on the floor flanking a hodge podge mess of decks and wires. Some old record cases sit cosily by they’re sides.

‘Miseries the river of the world’ reverberates through the floor reaching the head, of a horizontal man, first.

He wore a white shirt, possibly fitted or maybe he just fit it well. A thin black tie lay considerately over the shirt buttons. Black slacks or chinos covered the lower half of his body, crossed legs and bare feet. Spread eagle he […]

I’ve been thinking about suicide for a while. I want to do it because i have nothing to live for. My crushes hate me,I get talked about everyday,and when i think about cutting myself,I get scared and i just…..i dont even know. When im thinking about suicide,i think about how happy eveyone will be once im gone. Maybe it’s true,maybe it’s not. i just dont know what to do. i cant do it anymore. i dont deserve to be here. When i get sad,I think about how my life will be once I go to highschool. It’s crazy because I want to be in an […]

This is gonna sound stupid, but while everyone else has a reason to be suicidal, i dont. I havent had some one i love die, of i havent had a recent divorce.. So what gives me the excuse of wanting to end my life? That’s the question i ask myself daily.

I’ll tell my story, but just flick to someone else’s if mine isnt good enough..Well, im 15, im tall and im..pretty..i think. thats what im told.
im tanned and toned, im and irish dancer and a great sporting teenager, i compete in any sport i can do, and learn any i cant. But i have […]

Where there’s failure and disappoinment in myself, there’s a cut

Where’s there’s sadness and self hatred to the extreme, there’s a cut

Where there’s punishment deserved and then some, there’s a cut

And when the person you hope would save you is but a fantasy, there’s a cut

But when you run out of space and you can’t cut, there’s the urge

And when your friend tells you how proud he is, and that’s not what you deserve, there’s the urge

And when you screwed up again and you know you deserve this pain, there’s the urge

Where you’re completely alone, and you have no one to hold, there’s the urge

Just something […]

My life has honestly fallen down to a black hole within a year. I went through verbal abusive relationships as well as physically abusive ones. Ive been bullied at school and by people i dont even know. My mom gets mad at me so easily and makes me feel like she wants me dead. I started cutting last year and my parents saw it and it hurt them. I dont think they want to believe it. I have all the signs of depression and im not sure what to do from here. I have a new boyfriend right now who has been there for me […]

Hey So i started cutting since the last time i posted here.. The day after that 2 of my kinda friends saw the cuts.. For a day or so katie H was concerned then she forgot afterwards.. Nearly got caught couple of times when i had my sleves up and have gotting away with it, the cuts are fading now but have to get togged out tomorrow for p.e so hope nobody notices the cuts, Might’nt bother doing p.e have a cough anyway, can use that as an excuse..
Anyway We and only good friend kJ became friends again but don’t think we are […]

Hi. My name is Kenzie and I’m 14. l feel really bad about myself, so sometimes I would cut, until I saw blood. To punish myself. But I stopped. It’s really hard to hide, and the one person who knew, it tore them apart. Life is getting slightly better. Until today. My best friend said she’s had enough. Her family pushes her around and her slut of a sister is always telling her she’s worthless. She wants to cut. And I don’t think she knows how addictive it is. I have no way of telling her about me, because that would influence it more. I’m […]

Hey everyone it’s me again. I need ideas and input. Some constructive criticism?

I am making a video reasons to live. It is not my original idea, but I am making it for a project at school. I have a list of somethings but are there any ideas out there that I could do  that really reach out to people?

Comment please with ideas. Also if you have a story to tell or something you can email me at runsintherain@gmail.com I would love to hear from you.

Thanks and I hope you all are having a great day.

Katie

him!every time i seen him it ruins my mood! i want to text him,and for what? to get him to admit he used me…
he lied…he told me he liked me becuz he knew i had issues and if a guy liked me id do whatever….
he used me for his on sexual needs.. and i am hurting so much! he told me he didnt care about me… which added to the hurt… i know hes not worth the pain….
my friend says to either burn a picture of him..or ruin one… may help… so i’ll do it…

-RawrImaTurtle!…

ps: why did he have to do […]

It seems as if though everything is getting better but I don’t know….. I am still sad…. Yet, I am happy too now. My so called “friend” is going around and saying that I’m knocked up… I can’t take more rumors…. I feel like breaking down and crying… I don’t know what to do anymore… I wish that someone could help me…. It seems as if no one can, though.. I am nothing really. Just a girl with a lot of problems… Nothing special about me really…. Being put down your whole life changes how you look at yourself…. I wish that I could smile […]

I take these pills to make me thin
I dye my hair, and cut my skin
I tried everything, to make them see me
But all they see, is someone that’s not me

Even when I’m walking on a wire
Even when I set myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
Everyday I try to look my best
Even though inside I’m such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible

Here inside, my quiet hell
You cannot hear, my cries for help
I tried everything, to make them see me
But every one, see’s what I can’t be

Even when I’m walking on […]

i have always been suicidal but i have always thought that it could get better. for some reason something has clicked in me. i dont care what happens to me now and im scared of that. like last night i was texting and driving and i wasnt watching the road because i said to myself that i dont care if i crash. if it happens it happens. like ive never felt like i dont care. i have always felt some inkling of hope and i dont. i was on my way home from school and i was seeing myslef in my head killing myself. and […]

This poem is from “Sharna”, from the website “http://www.loverofsadness.net/show_poem.php”
“That feeling consumes,
You sit there, longing to lash out,
Fighting to be heard.
It builds up second by second,
No one hears your silent scream.

Your heart is empty,
You push everyone,
Just making this worse.
Your tears no longer fall,
Your heart has frozen.

All people ever do is moan,
People die. . .
Beauty fades. . .
Love changes. . .
And you will always be alone.”

The lines in my hands

tell you their wisdom

while the tears in my eyes

tell you I’ve cried

the things they’ve done

and what they’ve seen

haunt me by day and night

While fireflies go across the sky

My regrets and mistakes crowd in

choking me and making me disappear

beneath their heaving darkness

A bloody cross

is all I see

condemning me to silence

for eternity

Without a voice

without a word

I become invisible

Things are getting worse, everyday I think about suicide more and more, and I’m starting to think that geting help is imposible that there’s no way I can tell my parents about me being suicidal and that even if they knew nothing would change. Sometimes I try to convince myself that it’s not the end of the world and I’m just trying to make a big deal out of something very simple or that I’m not thinking clearily because of depression but even if it makes me feel a little better for a moment it doesn’t help for long. I wish that I wouldn’t feel […]

Everytime I have sex or sexual contact with people all I feel is shame afterwards but at the same time I don’t regret it. The only reason I feel ashamed is the thought of what my parents and family would think, It’s like they don’t know me, they don’t know who I am. I think if they knew about all the things ive done and I don’t just mean anything sexual, but bad things that ive done I think they would disown me.
One time on my 16th birthday my grandad rang me and was like ’16 and never been kissed’ and I was thinking […]

I’ve gone through the years hating myself progressively more.

I remember a few years ago, I had this constant belief that I was fat and must lose weight, so I ate virtually nothing for a while.

I remember feeling fat when I did eat and attempting to make myself throw up.

I remember feeling so sad I’d go home, crawl into bed and cry for hours.

I remember sitting in lessons and subtly scraping my nails across my skin and just feeling raw.

I always preferred scratching to cutting, it just felt more real, more physical…and easier to lie about.

The suicidal thoughts didn’t start until after most of that had […]