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Abuse Survivor

foreign feelings

by system
written by system

i have a friend overseas who i’ve known for around 4 years now.

he’s really important to me.  but i’m scared.

i’m scared because he hasn’t betrayed me.

i’m scared because he hasn’t gotten rid of me.

i’m scared because he hasn’t dropped me.

i’m scared because he insists that he cares about me.

i’m terrified of all of it, it’s so foreign to me.  to have someone who doesn’t want to break me down until i’m nothing.

whenever he says he cares about me

the only thing i can think of is “i don’t believe you.”

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manic panic

by system
written by system

ican hear him again.  i can feel his hands.  they’re cold. they’recoldthey’recold they’re so cold

i long for the euphoria of being loved by the person he pretended to be

being loved by the mask that he wore

but it was all fake

itwasalie itwasalie itwasalie

thecuts there were so many cuts there was so much blood

on my lips

on my face

on my thighs

i couldn’t stop bleeding it just kept flowing andflowingandflowing

andicried for him to make it stop

make it stop make it stop make it stop

but he just told me to smile

“please smile”

and i did.

he said i wasn’t bleeding enough so i dug deeper

and deeper

and deeperanddeeper

itwasn’tenou gh it will never be […]

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liar [internal dialogue]

by system
written by system

you lied.

you lied you lied you lied you lied you LIED.

liar liar liar liar liar LIAR

YOU WERE AND CONTINUE TO BE THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN, I FEEL SO ALONE WITHOUT YOU AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME.

FUCK YOU

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I WISH I NEVER MET YOU

****** […]

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today, and all the other days [a cry for help]

by system
written by system

I’m hurting a lot today.  I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting.  Everything has become so mundane.  I’ve been sober since late September, I think.  I’m proud of myself, I guess.  But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult.  I’m having the same issue with sleep.  I have horrifying chronic nightmares.  Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror.  I’m so tired.  I’m so, so tired.  I used to snort Ritalin at night in […]

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I *do* know why I’m here

by Rainbowhead
written by Rainbowhead

I’m female, 33. Married, 3 kids (b13, g11, g9), 2 dogs..and a cat who thinks he’s god. I’m a childhood abuse survivor. Physical, sexual and emotional.it was done to me, primarily by my mother. Didn’t have any siblings, father wasn’t around. It seems the sexual abuse hurt the most, though I know the emotional is always there as well. It’s that voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m stupid, fat, ugly, lazy, no one wants me, I’ll never amount to anything. I’m worthless, horrible. I’m only good for sex.

 

I’ve been a full time student since 2009, but had a breakdown this […]

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