Iâ€™m female, 33. Married, 3 kids (b13, g11, g9), 2 dogs..and a cat who thinks heâ€™s god. I’m a childhood abuse survivor. Physical, sexual and emotional.it was done to me, primarily by my mother. Didnâ€™t have any siblings, father wasnâ€™t around. It seems the sexual abuse hurt the most, though I know the emotional is always there as well. It’s that voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m stupid, fat, ugly, lazy, no one wants me, I’ll never amount to anything. I’m worthless, horrible. I’m only good for sex.
I’ve been a full time student since 2009, but had a breakdown this summer and haven’t come back yet. I’m in the process of getting SSI…I get an eval at the end of the month. If I can get that money then I won’t be such a worthless piece of shit to my family.
I started cutting at 14, and I still do sometimes. It’s soothing.
Iâ€™ve been hospitalized 3 times, twice this last summer. All 3 times for being suicidal. Been diagnosed with major depression, and gad. I have ptsd plus fibromyalgiaâ€¦the past haunts me all the time. My therapist suspects Iâ€™m bipolar, I think she’s on to something. She’s never been willing to make any dx outside of PTSD after 6 years, and the symptoms sure fit. When I’m great, I’m fabulous. When I’m down it’s horrid. I’m inbetween right now. Meds arenâ€™t working right. Donâ€™t have a psychiatrist. Sometimes I think theyâ€™d all be better off without me fucking it all up.
Hi Rainbowhead. I am in my 30’s as well and was sexually abused just like you were. We share the same feelings of worthlessness, yet I have probably tricked myself into believing that if I had the husband, the kids, the dog and the cat; I wouldn’t be writing on this site. But what do I know? I’d probably be here anyway. My real problem lies deep within my brian, like yours perhaps as well. I hope you get well soon so you can enjoy your life with your family.
Black Swan, that was another theory I’ve discussed with my therapist. It’s known that stress affects the brain. It’s bad for the brain in the long term because it has negative effects on the mind. My father was an abusive alcoholic, I’m fairly sure they fought while she was pregnant with me. And I know what I was exposed to at home and growing up. I was likely exposed to stress in utero, while my mind was still developing…so yeah, brain is messed up.
My father was diagnosed with bipolar and schizo-affective disorder a few years before he died, so there is that as well.
Yes, there’s definitively something there. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 18. I’ve tried so many different medications… Non of them really work for me but I take them anyway. You’re lucky your husband has stuck with you. Mine left me along with a series of boyfriends that walked away as soon as they saw how sick I could get. Is your husband being supportive?
Yes, he is most of the time. Sometimes he can make dumb ass comments, but I usually ignore it or tell him that’s not helpful.
I’m currently on Celexa 40mg/day, Buspar 10mg/2x day, Synthroid 125mcg/day. I’ve been on Wellbutrin (made me sucidal), Lexapro (too expensive but does work), and Zoloft (makes me feel dead inside).
I’ll also admit to using marijuana, I am in a medical state. I use it for my fibro/depression, and have found that I feel the best when I’m high. I’m using more than usual lately. Granted, the weather is changing and making my fibro flare.