Mental Health Week ends today in my country. I am very lucky to live in a country that is pretty accepting of mental health issues but even with it’s national recognition on media and such, I can tell you that I still continue to have stigma placed upon me from first hand experience. For instances, I was tricked into disclosing my health issues during a job interview and it was so obvious from what the lady said, wrote and acted after I did disclose my mental health problems that I wasn’t going to get the job. I stupidly tell people that I am feeling suicidal […]
I took this photo this morning of my dog Finnegan slurping my cat, Charlie Chow Mein. Maybe I should say his cat. Finnegan is laid back. You can take food out of his mouth and he won’t bite you. If he feels his cat is being threatened though he will become fiercely protective. He will place himself between the perceived threat and the cat, be the threat human or another animal, and he will growl menacingly, his back hairs standing up a bit. And if the […]
It’s never-ending.
Don’t try and fucking tell me it’s just ‘a phase’, and please, PLEASE, just stop telling me it is going to be okay. I’m sick of your lies. I’m sick of you smiling when I’m covered in numbness. I’m sick of your ‘good morning’s and ‘good evening’s.
I hate you for not accepting me, as I try to do that myself. I hate you for being so naive and stupid. I hate you for believing I will be good again. Face it. Me, depression. It took over, can’t you see ma? can’t you see it’s not your son anymore? Can’t you see I’m someone else? […]
Some say it’s all or none. Others say something is better than nothing. Which is it? I get so mad at myself for accepting the unacceptable, but when I cut people out of my life I regret it. I have no life essentially. No family, and one good friend (who doesn’t have the time of day for me because she does have a family). After being depressed for about 20 years, I don’t believe it gets better, I believe this is my life and I need to accept that. I am not meant to have or experience things that others do. I am right where […]
“They†say I should be more confident, believe in myself. But I think I am confident. I know I’m useless, boring, weak, etc. I accept it. I am confident in my uselessness. Isn’t that true confidence, accepting your faults? I’m not going to pretend I’m something I’m not. Why deny the truth? What’s the point in faking it?
Someone asked me that today, and I had no valid answer to give. The truth is I don’t know why, I don’t know why I have such a hard time doing the right things. I can have every reason to walk away but I always find that tiny reason to stay and I cling on to it. I can know that the situation is completely wrong and I know that I am hurting myself by clinging to that bit of hope. Yet I still hold on for dear life and I don’t truly know why. Maybe I’m afraid maybe I’m absolutely terrified of accepting the […]
Insinuation is fun.
Wordpress is annoying.
Anyway…
This is my first “post,” though my story is entirely too convoluted and nebulous to really nail… so i’ll just say this:
I’m an early-middle-aged white male, who has had a profoundly depressing, worthless, lonely and unfulfilling life.
I don’t burn or cut or self-harm (unless cigarettes count), i don’t drink (at all) or do any drugs (haven’t even smoked any cannabis in over a year, now… though i will admit i’ll never truly stop loving it)…
Though i have had a few isolated incidents in the past, where i lost self-control and did self-harm, it has never been anything that persists or establishes […]
Older Posts