I hear people say it all the time. I never think anything of it. I just immediately nod my head in agreement. Then that point of the conversation is over with.
I never hear people fight the statement or really just stop and think about it. I mean, yeah, it probably can’t buy some people happiness, depending on the reasons they aren’t happy to begin with.
I don’t think I’ve felt complete in years. All there. Like something gnawing at my brain — chewing on it. A hamster or a rat just munching away bit by torturous bit. Like watching a horror movie where everyone dies at the end — you know — but you have to watch them die one by one. Or that moment on a beach when you see the water pull out for a couple kilometers out and it dawns on you — you’re impending doom […]
I think there’s such a thing as bastardized insanity. An insanity that you have no ownership of but it follows you around like a helpless stray dog panting for you to feed the pitiful thing. We all know what that’s like. Well, I do anyway. It’s something of a ball and chain. Forever fettered to this gargantuan weight pulling you down to an insecure comfort — walk the plank with your own personal anchor. The travails of purgatory begging to be acknowledged when all you desperately seek is one breath. One measly breath above the undertow. The heart of the sea, indeed, when water is […]
I look at the shoebox I keep my various prescription pill bottles in, and I wish to gods I could be certain that I wouldn’t just wake up in a day, in three days, in a week in the local ICU and another useless stay in the mental health unit and another 90-day court settlement. Attempting suicide is a civil offense in Wisconsin, you see, so a person already upset because they survived then gets to go — via satellite television — before a judge and work out an agreement for treatment. Nice, huh?
I barely talked my psychiatrist out of having me hospitalized […]
So, I’m a full-time nanny. That means that I live with a family and take care of their child. I get paid $20 a week. I don’t get breaks and I’m expected to clean as well. Not so bad when you have no bills to pay. Or at least you would think. I took this job because I know the mother in high school and she helped me out with my prom fare and when my sister’s dog got hit by a car, she gave us a ride to the vet. So the first few months I was here, I decided to work for free […]
I had court today for my divorce proceedings. We reached an agreement whereby I will keep the house and my daughter will not be uprooted. I am willing to postpone my departure date of August 8 to see how things pan out.
My kid’s bat mitzvah is Saturday. My mother called and asked if I had heard from her sister. My aunt is not well. She had a stroke a few years ago and suffers from chronic depression and rarely leaves the house. So I said, “No. But I didn’t expect to. She’s sick. I don’t take it personally.” My mother’s reply – a very measured, well-rehearsed, deliberately timed, “Uh huh.” That “uh huh” was not a nod of agreement. On the contrary. It was the statement of her rage that I didn’t join her in slicing up her sister. It was notification that she doesn’t approve of my perspective — […]
I was hospitalized again this past week. A friend was worried about me ad had the police called on me and now I’m home and back on the medications.
Do I still want to cut?
Of fucking course I do.
I left my boyfriend of four years and so stupidly ran into another without even really thinking. All I knew is that I didn’t want to kill myself just yet and if I have someone here, I might not. But now it’s getting to the point where I don’t even know if I can handle a relationship right now. I am very committed in my […]
i’m the type of person who hesitates to kill myself because i still have faith that maybe something good can happen. so i make a little agreement with myself; if nothing happens, if i’m not ever happy, within 2-3 months, i will die. every time i’ve done this i’ve met a wonderful person who seemed to be capable of being a good enough friend to make me decide to live an extra 3 or so months.
now that i’m with my girlfriend, this something good will nearly always be present which means i’m “safe” for a bit (or forever if she stays with me that long). but […]
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