i’m the type of person who hesitates to kill myself because i still have faith that maybe something good can happen. so i make a little agreement with myself; if nothing happens, if i’m not ever happy, within 2-3 months, i will die. every time i’ve done this i’ve met a wonderful person who seemed to be capable of being a good enough friend to make me decide to live an extra 3 or so months.
now that i’m with my girlfriend, this something good will nearly always be present which means i’m “safe” for a bit (or forever if she stays with me that long). but i still have these thoughts. almost every minute of every day i contemplate, and play scenarios in my head, of my death. how i will do it, how people will react, how everyone will eventually move on and forget…
sometimes i get angry because i wish she hadn’t walked into my life. i wish i didn’t have someone to live for so that i could just end everything. yes, i’m thankful that i have her and i wouldn’t ever want to change that, but i still want to be set free… no matter how hard i try i don’t feel free with anyone.
6 comments
hi b1urr,
dear firstly you are really lucky that you have a person in your life who loves you really.
i think that instead of finding other people in your life i think you should start looking for yourself.i believe that there is another person in your life and that is you yourself and by reading your post i can surely say this that you are ignoring him.so just start living with yourself and start working hard dear.
him as in myself? im a her c: but it’s all good.
i understand what you’re saying, but i actually hate myself. i’m only alive so i dont hurt other people. if it were up to what i wanted i’d be dead already.
“I’m only alive so I don’t hurt other people.” Same here, but I don’t have anyone who cares about me, you’re lucky. If you really love your boyfriend you should stop hating yourself so that you can be happy and he won’t worry about you. If someone else can find the good in you, you should be able to find it yourself.
see dear you are really a nice person believe me.i know that fact.now you will ask i haven’t even talked with you then how can i say that you are a good person.actually you are right my dear.but listen to me dear.you need to be good.just try to be strong and and start working hard to become a good person if you feel that you are not good.seriously you can do it.i have done it myself then why can’t you.
see my dear just try to give yourself importance and love the person in your life and do good
but i really liked what freezingin fire really said that if someone else can find a good in you and love you,you should also be able to do that by yourself…..i reallly appreciate freezinginfire for such good and inspiring words….
Ronal007, sometimes it helps to think if I was not thinking of suicide, what would I be thinking of….but it is good to do that with a friend or therapist, because for me…i learned a lot of memories that I did not know were there. Maybe thinking about it every second of every day is a way to drown out something you need help dealing with….I wish you the best.