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Too much suffering, not even my own

by lostginger

Just like much of my writing, this probably won’t be read much before it is eventually destroyed… Though unlike most of my writing, this is public… Just thoughts I guess..

I wanted to say.. I wish there was something… Of all the reasons to leave this world, mine is in essence.. I never found my place.. I never found my passion.. Where I fit.. That one spot that actually seems right..

I’m a great jack of all trades and I have passed tested rating me as a genius.. I’ve thought it all out to the point where I don’t have any questions left to ask..

Its just.. Day after day of pointless carrying on for no reason… I don’t have any hope, though the despair also seems distant, most of the time… Most of the time it’s just fine.. Just living.. Just boring.. Just another day,

except for when the depression hits and I long to leave this world.. To stop the pain… its only then when i really think about how bad things are

my other main reason for leaving.. When I eventually do so, if things don’t somehow change.. Is the way this world work.. It’s knowing so many people I care about have been raped.. Abused.. It’s knowing loved ones have ptsd and go into flashbacks of the things that have caused it.. It’s knowing no matter who I meet or where I go in this world.. We all hurt, we all struggle, we all die…

I’m just so tired of the suffering… I can manage my own just fine, my life really holds no value to me.. It’s that everyone I know seems to have suffered so much.. That gets to me.. I wish I could wash that all away, at least for those I care about..

I can’t stand to bare to.. I know ever one in my life comes and goes.. I’m just a bandaid to their life’s.. But the fact that everyone has endured so much.. gets to me..

being alone gets to me as well.. I long so badly to have someone to be close to.. Relationship doesn’t matter either way.. Just want to be physically close to someone..

Heres hoping.. things come to a close soon.. Perhaps for all of us, if that is what’s best for in the end.. Perhaps it is 

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bluest 1/22/2016 - 6:27 am

You put it perfectly – the going on is ok until the depression hits. The loneliness is the worst. I go see someone who uses hypnotic suggestion to make me have better reactions to people. Then he tells me to go out, walk around, talk to people. When I do, it works, the suggestions kick in and I feel and act normal. The problem is I don’t have anywhere to go other than just doing chores like shopping. It’s not enough interaction.

I responded to this post because I could have written it myself. Maybe if everyone in this forum, or any forum, could teleport and be in one place at the same time, how cool would that be. Would there even be loneliness and depression then? I highly doubt it. That’s the star trek invention I most wish for.

AtlasBleeding 1/23/2016 - 6:59 am

I was like you and the suffering that others went through around me really weighed on me. I decided I was either goi b g to let it claim me or I was going to have to remedy it in some fashion in my h e ad. But I couldn’t change their pain or those past experiences. What I found helped was starting to work with at-risk youth volunteering and then layer as a job. I can’t help those in my life that had such immense suffering…but I can make it a goal to stop it before it happens in those who haven’t yet had to face the full extent of suffering. I see them as still salvageable. Maybe just try to volunteer here and there. Can really change your perspective…did for me at least.

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