It’s been so long since I slept. I can’t focus and I keep leaving work early because I can’t stay awake. Get home and i can’t stop my mind to sleep. It’s whirring constantly like white noise. I can’t even deal with my thoughts separately, to make progress. I’ve finally found a decent therapist (after years of shitty ones) but I’m still scared it won’t get better. I get attached to people easily and get so easily offended. I need to be stronger but I can’t be here much longer it’s so exhausting just waking up :/ I keep thinking of ways to end it […]
I got sucked in. The darkness took over and when it takes over it drowns you and pulls you away so that you can no longer see the light. No one sleeps in the dark we stay awake and let our thoughts take us away to endless possibilities and the only way we feel greatness is to pour another drink and provoke trouble because trouble is the only thing we can feel. I got sucked in.
Spending all my time trying to find my feet and then I lost my legs. Look at me like where’s the happiness, but if only I can grow it like hair I’d be all in this. Don’t look at me like my woes reproduce like lice, standing over me like you’re Jesus Christ. Nail yourself to someone else who needs saving, or walk on water if you like, as long as you walk away.
Because I don’t need release from this..no need in letting go..the meaning in between the seams are splitting just to show you what I know. If I find it hard to sleep tonight, […]
Nightmares every single night. Can’t stop thinking about it when awake. I sedate myself with trash TV and music and school just to try and forget. But it always comes back… each time I am sadder, angrier, more hopeless than before.
This life must end. At some point, I just need to take the risk and shoot myself in the head. Trying for the find the most desolate stretch of land around me to increase the chances of dying…
To say get better when you don’t have to.
To say there’s help when you don’t need it
To live when you don’t want to die
but
It’s hard to stay alive when you can’t stand to open your eyes to another day
You curse the day that you’re awake
You hope today is the day you’re brave
enough to take your life away
Suicide…why do people think I’m crazy?
They’d rather have me alive to watch me slowly die than to take myself out.
I’m looking to escape everyday
hope is finding the way out
I need to get out!!!
Why is it so […]
I wake up each day wondering what I am doing and why I am still awake.
I had aspirations and hopes that lifted me up really high only to drop me in abyss of nothingness. Live to the fullest? What is the point? For what? For myself? I hate to break the news. There is no more me left as I no longer can feel anything except my weakening willpower and body as the days go by.
What is life for really? What is this pursuit for life actually? For happiness which will slowly fade away to nothingness? For challenging your brain which will […]
to be awake right now. or ever. I just want to die without him here:( I have never felt so hopeless in my 24 miserable years on this stupid planet. I want to take benadryl to sleep, but what if he calls me, asks me to come get him…. but who am I kidding I’m meant to be stuck in this stupid apartment all alone forever. I just wish I were never born
Here I am at nearly 2am, still watching boring tv, still wide awake.
Ive already taken 10 mercyndol in hopes that it will make me sleepy & dull jy back pain, but all I have is a headache!
Gahh why can’t I sleep?!
I’m lying on my bed waiting.
For the suicide and self harm thoughts to stop.
For my tears to stop flowing.
For my pillow to dry up.
The sun is coming up and I’m still awake.
Thinking.
Waiting.
Listening to the birds telling me to sleep.
More waiting.
For the numbness that will greet me soon.
Hopefully.
I just want to be at peace
Even if it means becoming numb and never being able to be happy ever again.
I’m waiting.
I don’t want to feel anymore.
I’m waiting to become numb.
Up to day five of starving myself with a bread roll for breakfast and a couple vegetables for dinner. I’ve lost around 1kg per day since I started. I’m taking stimulants during the day to keep my metabolism up and appetite down. I take sedatives at night so the hunger pains don’t keep me awake. I don’t have the energy to exercise like I did before and I find myself struggling a little bit at work in spite of the stimulants, but I’m a third of the way there. Only a couple more weeks, I should be able to shed 10 kgs if I […]
The only reason I love sleeping so much, is because my life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake…
How do you tell them?
How do you tell them that you don’t want help?
How do you tell them that you don’t want to find a new job?
How do you tell them you don’t want to find someone else?
How do you tell them you don’t want to move away again?
How do you tell them you don’t want to start over?
How do you tell them you don’t even want to leave the house?
How do you tell them you don’t want to sleep?
How do you tell them you don’t want to be awake?
How do you tell them that none of those things make the emptiness go away?
How do tell […]
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Tell me what keeps you awake at night?
Because wordplay.
Here i sit on SP, contemplating mortality, nine-something pm my time, and fireworks whistle and pop, not far away. Three days early. I doubt the people launching them have any real clue just what it is they’re supposed to be celebrating… or how jeopardized and compromised that particular thing has come to be.
I wanted to make some kind of… soup reference, or something, but alas, i’m not in gear for that at this time. It’s just that the 4th of July has been an increasingly stark source of irony for me, since i found myself awake.
I wonder if they know what “Independence” really means.
I […]
It’s strange. I am not exactly what you’d call a thin person, nor am I tragically obese. In reference to fruit, I would say that I am an apple. I’m large around the midsection. It would be safe to assume that I don’t run…or exercise daily. I’m not a fitness nut nor am I terribly unhealthy. In fact, I’m quite average. I can walk a mile in 10 minutes flat, which doesn’t sound like much to some but I know people who are, 1/24th my size and they couldn’t walk a mile in 10 minutes if their life depended on it.
Lately, my sleep schedule has […]
When I was on medication the side effects kept me awake and now that I’ve been drug-free for the past half year it’s pure torment that’s keeping me awake. All day I struggle to focus on anything then I crawl into bed and I ruminate over every single thing that’s happened and experience panic attacks over all the things I can’t change. I wonder why I stick around, I’m a useless piece of shit and should have ended my life a long time ago. I don’t know why I wait for some miracle. I have nothing of value.
Absolute reality, if it exists, doesn’t matter to the individual. What matters is the individual’s perception of reality because that’s all he or she knows. With that in mind, at what point does your subjective reality shift away from absolute (or should I say ‘collective’) reality?
This is what I mean: you might sleep about 6-10 hours a day, and the rest of the time you’re awake and conscious of reality. Well what if, through drugs or other means, you sleep 20 hours a day, leaving only 4 hours of “reality”? Do those 4 hours become insignificant?
I know what you’re thinking… of course not. Because our […]
Sorry for my spelling
** I am awake all night, depressed, derik beating me down all night, with nothing to hold onto, and I pick up my phone, wondering where my friend Jessica has been recently because I hadent seen her in about a year, when a missing persons list shows up. I do some research, look through all of the Info and it really is her… One of my closest friends missing. Her mother was discovered with a meth lab in her basement, and Jessica did’t want to go to foster care. I guess she left her phone packed her bags and left. She dose […]
I tried to overdose last night…well kinda I tripled the dosage your supposed to take of ibuprofen to see if that would rid the pain i constantly feel…it did though and made me feel good.
I was also called a slut by my best friend and L got pissed at me for taking so much ibuprofen he kept telling me i would die if i took that much and i told him i didn’t care he told me i needed help and threatened to tell my mom. He never did though which is good…i don’t enjoy my mom knowing the pain I’m going through. Also my […]