I can’t be angry at her, at least for no more than a flash.
Because the truth is, I’m angry at me too. I don’t like myself either. I get frustrated with me all the time.
But I’m going to fix it. I’m going to make it okay. Do you believe me?
I just needed to vent.
I dont feel like ive explained myself well enough in the first post , since leaving the basement i feel as if my life has changed to frequently, that nothing is substantial or sustainable, i have had the worst luck and the best fortune all at the same time, so many people have stopped there lives to benifit mine and reverse side of that is so many people have walked over my life to get what they want, i just cant believe i got out, just as i resigned myself to my fate i got freed? tell me that isnt coincidence, this cant be real, […]
Hey guys and gals , I know its been a while since I last posted on here and my life it feels like has been going on a downhill slope and no where fast…
I’m not sure if I mentioned this on my last post but me and my (now ex) bf back in February unexpectedly split right before Valentine’s day. No reason at all just happened through text out of the blue after him not responding to any of my fb messages for two weeks and then saying were better off as best friends. Bull Fuckin Shit! Maybe I saw it coming for a longer […]
I feel like I’m slowing down. Everything sounds distant or submerged in water. My vision blurs in and out of focus. I have no energy to do anything, not that I want to anyway.
Is this what dying feels like?
I have yet to find someone who tolerates me talking in metaphors, or even enjoys me doing it.
Regardless of all this, I’m still here, so maybe that counts for something.
I spent a large portion of this afternoon running my fingers over the scar on my throat, or staring at it in the mirror. A wound that by every right should have killed me. No one can live […]
Don’t trust me.
I will make you believe that I am happy. I will make you believe that I have my shit together and my life is perfect. I will make you believe that everything is going on my favor. I will make you believe that I enjoy being around my family and friends. I will make you believe that I am in love with life, nature and sun. I will make you believe that I always look forward to parties and hangouts. I will make you believe that I’m the kind of person who wants to live as long as possible when the truth is […]
I need to know if I should. I mean I know that everyone I know would be better off, logically this makes sense. I also know that just by asking I have my answer, but that’s not enough. I am, and have done, what most people would consider unforgiveable. I am not religious. I do believe in reincarnation and genuinly thinkin make a better go if it next time round. I think my eife, friends and family deserve to be able to live their lives without the hassle or having me in them. I especially believe my wife could find true happiness if I wasn’t […]
Get me past blood
Past walls
Past meds
Past the next step
Let me go blind
To the crippled
To that hospital image
To the dark colors
To how I got here
Let me go deaf
To the loud ringing
To the insecure patient
To the crying little boy
To the prosecutor
Let me not feel
The needles in my arm
Your razor blade tongue
The gnawing on my bones
I don’t believe that dead people speak
Nor that prophets walk on water
That just leaves me with
All those years of scrambled nonsense
And broken Angels
Amen
There’s smoke in the sky. Lots of it. Thick, black smothering clouds of death.
It wasn’t there before but now I can see it, and it’s descending, covering the house.
I’d tell someone, yell for help but no one would believe me.
It’s going to get in the house, I know it.
It’s going to choke me.
I have a lot on my mind lately. Stupid things, really. But I feel very isolated. Unlovable. More and more, I just want to be alone. To sleep or to read. Part of it is that my boys are growing up (21 and 17) and don’t need their mom as much these days (I mean, except for food. And laundry.) My family is not close (honestly, we could fill a Wal-Mart with our crazy) and my friends, well, they don’t want to be that close. Not their fault. My issues run deep and wide. Still, I have always wanted someone for me. A friend, a […]
Looking for like minded people. I have dreamed of suicide since I was a teen. I made a couple feeble attempts as a teen but didn’t have the courage to pull it off. Now I’m a mother and I couldn’t put my child through the suffering of losing his only parent. I truly believe if I wasn’t a mother I wouldn’t be here. If anything ever happens to my son I would die soon after. He wants to go in the Army.. And I would never wish anything to happen to my boy but.. I can’t think of that. I love him more than anything. […]
I’m just to tired to go on. I’ve been fighting depression for about 5 years now, and seen tons of shrinks and been on every kind of anti-depressant
there is…and nothing has worked. Hell has be to better than this. It’s hard being alone with these dark thoughts, but even harder to be around
people and have to fake it. I actually get angry now when I hear people say that there is help out there, bullshit! If I could even see a tiny tiny glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel, I might have some hope, but nothing but blackness for five long years […]
Unfortunately, death is less beautiful. There is no beauty in death for me.
Me: a once vibrant, beautiful girl, has rotted away, literally.
I don’t want to be ill, but I am. There is no going backwards. Things have gotten much worse. I am deteriorating rapidly again. There is no ease. I cannot accept.
I have suffered a lot in the last two years.
I don’t want to die. I want to be alive, happy and well. I am not well, however.
Even as empty as I feel, I just don’t feel good about myself to be around others anymore. I need to die, […]
This world we live in is a screwed up place ladies and gentlemen. This is even apparent in Junior High. You have the popular crowd who think they are better than everyone else. You have the jocks, who believe they can be assholes to everyone, even calling a girl a whore openly. Then you have the outcasts like me. We don’t fit in anywhere. We just take up space. That’s the hardest part about joining a new school. Unless the “cool” kids accept you when you join, making friends will be the hardest part of being there.
I don’t mean to be selfish, but my life is a living hellhole. Everyday I come home, scared of my father, because if he finds out about my grades, he will force my hand here.
Some days I wish he would beat me. But he doesn’t. He verbally whips me. Some days I wish I could just run away and be done with my “great” family. If found out I may have depression. And if I told anyone, they would not believe. No one believes anything they don’t see or feel. Something they don’t believe in. Something that isn’t tangible to them. And such describes the […]
I love my family although sometimes I get sad and believe life for them would be better off without me.
There has been more than one occasion of me trying to end my life. When I was 10 I almost ended my life due to my parents’ fucked up expectations. Mostly I didn’t do to me being too much of a scared baby. Almost 3-4 times per week sometimes I think about either running away or commiting suicide. My grades are fucked up. Every week I get yelled at by my parents basically saying I’m not good enough for anything. I have no friends in a […]
Here I am, don’t rock me like a hurricane, just hear me out. I have been dealing with some of the most difficult shit that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life and I am completely done with all of it. This life and this bullshit seriously arent worth the endless hours of agony and the energy that it takes to continue on.
At times I don’t even know who I am anymore. From one minute to the next it seems as though I am forced to deal with more drama, insanity, and childish crap than a middle school principal.
I […]
I feel her. Her reached is far. I remember everything about her – I am a willing hostage. She’s in the room. The flowers she loved and the electric laugh of a high voltage siren. She’s in the room. And nothing bad ever happened – the pillow is soft. She’s in the room. The child smiles and grabs her rose colored skirt. Dance she says and of course I do. She’s in the room. Yes we will live forever – we are just that solid. She’s in the room. Honey drips from the walls – I cry and she swallows my pain with her lips. […]
I have been visiting this site for a couple months now, never registering and just using it as a tool to feel relatable to someone..anyone anymore. Though I didn’t post, I came to know a lot of the regulars through their posts and took solace vicariously, as the problems others listed with depression mimicked mine. Anyway…
The depression I’ve spun into has become worse. I had a long term relationship (7 years) end and a lot of it was my fault. I had everything I wanted once and I squandered it. To make matters worse, booze and drugs had become my outlet to cope. This would […]
I know I want to leave this life and all, but I’m scared of what will happen after I die..
In the family I grew up in and what I’ve been taught and so on, is that if there is indeed a god, he would send you to hell for taking your own life. In different religions it’s different outcomes, but what if I do take my life and I do get sent to hell..i’d be forced to keep reliving my life. The life i’m trying to get away from.
I always thought if there was a god, and if you did take your life, he would […]
I don’t have Internet connection on a regular basis so if I want to write a post for this site I have to pre-write it and save it fir when I do have Internet. This is a bummer in one way because if I don’t have my laptop the next time I get Internet I can’t post it or if I have it on my flash drive but only have my cell phone the next time I have Internet then I can’t post it either.
So, now that I have that all explained away, I suppose I will update those who care or are even […]
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