I ruinedmy life with bad choices, poor academic decisions, bad financial decisions, and dishonesty. When I met my husband and gave birth to our beautiful sweet babies I was so sad. Sad because all at once I knew I would never be worthy of this gift I was given because of my past mistakes.
I have devoted 10 years of counseling to my bullshit, with multiple explanations that the attention seeking and erratic behavior from age 18-23 was linked to feeling worthless at home, feeling powerless, bla bla. I don’t blame anyone but myself. The best way I can explain it is that I was crazy and on drugs. I don’t even remember solid months of my life. Now that I have left the behavior behind, I’m left with crippling guilt and regret. I wish I had considered the future and the importance of a good reputation. I can’t come to terms with my past and it has ruined my future.
Every night I hope I don’t wake up. I wanted to do it before the youngest’s first birthday but part of me wants to wait. I think even though I want the pain to stop I am not fully brave enough to say “Today is my freedom day.”
Life just sucks. My kids give me moments of joy but it’s generally just the realization that I’m not a good person, and without a million dollars in the bank I’m not ever going to dig out of this bottomless pit of stress and despair.
I think on the last day I will be relieved. I will make sure the kids are off with someone I love and trust, away from the house. I might pray. Leave a note. Then hopefully step off that great ledge and go quietly into sleep.