I ruinedmy life with bad choices, poor academic decisions, bad financial decisions, and dishonesty. When I met my husband and gave birth to our beautiful sweet babies I was so sad. Sad because all at once I knew I would never be worthy of this gift I was given because of my past mistakes.
I have devoted 10 years of counseling to my bullshit, with multiple explanations that the attention seeking and erratic behavior from age 18-23 was linked to feeling worthless at home, feeling powerless, bla bla. I don’t blame anyone but myself. The best way I can explain it is that I was crazy and on drugs. I don’t even remember solid months of my life. Now that I have left the behavior behind, I’m left with crippling guilt and regret. I wish I had considered the future and the importance of a good reputation. I can’t come to terms with my past and it has ruined my future.
Every night I hope I don’t wake up. I wanted to do it before the youngest’s first birthday but part of me wants to wait. I think even though I want the pain to stop I am not fully brave enough to say “Today is my freedom day.”
Life just sucks. My kids give me moments of joy but it’s generally just the realization that I’m not a good person, and without a million dollars in the bank I’m not ever going to dig out of this bottomless pit of stress and despair.
I think on the last day I will be relieved. I will make sure the kids are off with someone I love and trust, away from the house. I might pray. Leave a note. Then hopefully step off that great ledge and go quietly into sleep.
4 comments
I don’t know you of course but this doesn’t seem like a post a bad person would write. If you feel bad about some of the things you’ve done even things that you shouldn’t even feel bad about you’re probably a good person.
I have asked many times for God to take me in my sleep. If it were only that easy. IMHO, without even know you 🙂 checking out early won’t help your beautiful babies it will hurt them. Money & debt isn’t everything, it’s a problem, yes, but not everything. Love is bigger. Forget the past, means nothing to your babies. Maybe in stepping up selflessly (as I think you have been doing) you’ll heal up and feel better about yourself.
You mentioned that you want to see your youngest’s first birthday. I think part of you wants to stick around and believes it can work out. Of course when the kids rebel at 15 or 16 they will take you for granted 🙂 but that’s the cycle of life. In their late 20s they’ll realize how great you are. 🙂
Anon81, much of what you say you feel, is why I want to die as well. And even a million dollars in the bank will not take that hurt away. It is a terrible thing to have to carry the burdens of guilt and not be able to “check out” because of hurting the ones you love the most.
It’s like being between a rock and a hard place. I am still looking for that reset button in life. Recently I have started giving everything I own away……… in preparation for my demise. It’s kind of weird though, because now that I am OK with dying……… I am finding a reason to live……….. my 12 and 14 year olds.
There is nothing that can change your past………… but there has to be a way to quit feeling locked in that rut we call LIFE.
In my past…..
I have cheated on my first wife and cheated on my second wife via internet.
I wasn’t there for my oldest 2 kids and my middle 2 kids grew up with a Dad that had a lot of difficult issues that caused them emotional trauma time and again.
After my former Father In Law died, (he was the closest thing to a Father I will ever have), I overdosed on xanax and shot and killed our Collies that we were raising.
Years ago I exhibited episodes of anger by breaking stuff …. sometimes in front of my kids.
When I was a teenager, I did unspeakable acts.
I feel worthless as a Father.
I detest my very existence at times.
Currently I am giving away everything I own. I will be homeless soon and I do not know how I am going to make it. I would rather just die. But I keep seeing my kids faces once I am gone and it crushes me inwardly. I can’t stay but I can’t leave…………. and that will drive a person looney.
I never did drugs, other than marijuana, but if I had ….. maybe then I could give myself a little slack…… I don’t know.
Regardless of “Why” you feel the way you do………… you still feel it. You are important to someone. Feeling alone in our pain I think many times is the reason that people want to check out. I know for me, it is.
Love this….
Thank you. I just can’t forgive myself or move on. Every day I wake up thinking about all my mistakes. My therapist used to say “You haven’t done anything so horrible as to end your life”, I disagree.
My daughters however would hurt, and that makes my deathwish even harder to cope with. I love them so much and wish that I hadn’t been given this beautiful gift I am throwing away.
Wrote another reply but I guess they didn’t want my email or the link to a site that I posted.
The site is about radical forgiveness and you can click on the “free stuff” link and sign up and it will allow you access to the worksheets that are supposed to help people with forgiving themselves.