Day 18 and my fingers still itch for the blade. Will the urge to cut never go away? I’ve found that when I get a papercut or trip and fall scraping a part of my body brings the same kind of relief that cutting did. Mary’s boyfriend called me a whore when she brought me up in conversation. He doesn’t like me very much… I came out to my schools GSA under oath no one would say anything outside the group. When my parents find out I’m afraid of what is gunna happen to me. My family loves very conditionally. I hate it. I can’t […]
I don’t understand why some people are so comfortable in their own skin and others (like me) would give just about anything to climb out of my body and beat it to death with a stick? I mean right now, if I had the most gorgeous and intelligent female on the planet hitting on me or begging me for attention I would cower away because as lonely and touch-starved as I am I creep myself out.
The thing that makes this all so illogical is that when we are comfortable and confident with ourselves we actually attract other people regardless of how imperfect our physical presence […]
My life, in a run down, boring, memory encasing, hell hole, will soon be over. My friends greater than anyone before are taking me out of this place. I’ve lost so many people here, my family, lovers, and some great friends but now I can see it coming to a close. I can’t wait to say Fuck this place, and now go live, have a new beginning. My arm is messed up and my head and body are screaming for this now. I know this is a beginning to something better. I love you, my family, I love you Cristina, I love my friends here, […]
But does anyone notice? But does anyone care? And if I had the guts to put this to your head… And would anything matter if you’re already dead?
And now should I be shocked by the last thing you said? Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained… And in saying you loved me, made things harder at best, and these words changing nothing as your body remains,
and there’s no room in this hell, there’s no room in the next, and our memories defeat us, and I’ll end this direst.
it seems far away but close by. while my meds are helping me think of it less day by day the universe resists. A friend from college committed suicide last week. It’s taking some time to hit me and i still don’t know if I have it for real. I lit some candles. went to the wake, saw the body. But I still can’t. I can’t describe how i feel or what I’m thinking. I know that before in my head I would laugh when i thought about killing myself. I don’t laugh anymore. It’s not that it feels more real or less real but […]
I dont want sex, I dont want children, nor father or mother, brother or sister. No matter how hard I try to distance myself from others my body craves warmth. I just want warmth, to hold someone regardless of gender, to feel safe even as the world crumbles to dust. No words, no thoughts, just the sound of leaves rustling in heavenly wind, the smell of fragrant flowers eternally blooming in my dream, and the feeling of another close to me as I sleep eternal. Would any of you be so kind as to look pass the base desire for procreation […]
Society doesn’t want me around, much less do a damned thing to help me. But it will pull out all the fucking stops to keep me from leaving. Like an abusive husband who hates me but won’t let me divorce.
I am going to make an attempt soon (next six months to a few years, depending on how my plans work out). The only thing I fear now is failing and surviving with serious injury that preclude retries.
I am OK with leaving. Society isn’t. I must find a way to disobey society and leave. People have generally told me that I am intelligent. Well now, all […]
I’ve struggled with disdain and hatred for my body for the duration of my depression, I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder last August and it all culminates at times. I just can’t stand my face, I’ve honestly tried cutting parts of it off with scissors multiple times but I’m a ***** and couldn’t stand the pain and blood. I have a particular hatred for my right eye, I have no idea why, I just hate it. It doesn’t look right, it’s ugly, it ruins my face, ugh, it’s just horrible. I’ve gone through bouts of wearing eyepatches for months at a time and my […]
“She is not someone you understand. She is someone you watch, someone you use, someone you mourn. She is made for love but love is not made for her. Everything about her runs deeper than in you; her madness is truer, her mind brighter and better broken, and her anguish is in her bones, not her blood. You will never forgive her for dying, but she will aways be dead forever, and your horror means nothing to her anymore. That, more than anything is why you still dream about her and her flowers thrown like curses. She has made herself no longer yours to dream […]
I haven’t been here in about a week…mainly because I was feeling pretty good. A good level place. Today I was running on pure hyped up energy. Haven’t been eating all to well…and today I feel…too good. Does that make sense? Have you ever felt that way? I seriously feel like I’m climbing up a really tall tree right now. I keep looking down and seeing how far I’ve gone but keep going higher. I have the shakes. Nervous laughter keeps bubbling up my throat. I’m home alone and find myself moving from room to room because sitting in one place doesn’t feel good….even though […]
And it seems to be the perfect time to kill myself.
Isn’t it better to end on a high note?
I didn’t believe in love, but someone has changed my mind.
I didn’t think I’d ever stop hating myself, starving myself, stop the mutilations, but I’m healthier and happier with my body and mind than I’ve ever been. I am beautiful and my body is a stubborn miracle.
I don’t want to watch it lose that, to experience my mind deteriorating, to slowly amass more people who hate me and more negative memories through my life.
It’s so much nicer to end it when I’m happiest.
There will be music in […]
Last Friday I attempted suicide by overdosing. I had been feeling depressed on and off for about five years and constantly for five months. That day I was so fed up with my life and I didn’t want the one I got or to be who I was any more. When I got home I sat in my bed room alone and took 35 celexa, 30 iron pills and 5 trazodone pills. I tried to fall asleep, in the hopes that I’d never wake up. Three hours after, I felt extremely internal coldness and I couldn’t warm myself no matter how hard I tried and […]
I already know where I wish to died and a few ways of how still not determined but all I can think of is how I don’t want my family to hate me. I know they will hurt because if I with drew from them if I let my plans be known in any way they will be pissed. They will give me that stupid speech of how I have so much to look forward to and its not like me and I just need to exercise and lose weight cause I’m so F**ing fat and that I need to take better care of my […]
I don’t want to go back to school and be bullied even more, and yet i’m still here on this planet. What’s worse, the look on my foster families faces when they see my dead body or the daily torment of bullies?
Hi. I found this site last February by accident and have been popping in once and a while to check out posts. Today I decided to register. Why so? I’m not exactly sure. All I know is that I’ve tried two ways now to die, both have failed on numerous attempts. I’m seeing a psychologist and I’m on medication to control my anxiety problems and depression. I’m 4’2″ living with a type of dwarfism known as achondroplasia. I absolutely hate my body and luv carving it with pretty red sketches. There are voices inside my head and they aren’t all that pleasant. So Yeh, I’m […]
Things are still pretty bad inside my body. My head and heart hurt really bad, but not as bad. I want to go on Facebook and say I want to die, not because I’m planning suicide but because this feels really serious to me. But I don’t need a 72 hour hold and I think all the “buck up camper” replies I’ll get would make me throw up.
I’m frightened that I’m never going to be able to function at a job. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? I can’t keep giving my all over and over again only to […]
It’s never-ending.
Don’t try and fucking tell me it’s just ‘a phase’, and please, PLEASE, just stop telling me it is going to be okay. I’m sick of your lies. I’m sick of you smiling when I’m covered in numbness. I’m sick of your ‘good morning’s and ‘good evening’s.
I hate you for not accepting me, as I try to do that myself. I hate you for being so naive and stupid. I hate you for believing I will be good again. Face it. Me, depression. It took over, can’t you see ma? can’t you see it’s not your son anymore? Can’t you see I’m someone else? […]
But planning is far from actually having the balls to kick the chair.
Swallowed some Xanax, snorted some Clonex, but I’m still restrained to this life, stuck between the living and the dead. The clock strikes three and the sky never seemed darker. It’s time. I am becoming. My soul turn black, my eyes hurt and I’m raped all over. It starts with the stomach, then it goes to the throat and eventually squeezing my skull until my ears are bleeding and my eyeballs hanging outside their place.
It doesn’t matter where I am. As long as I am in my soul, like a body, I’m me, and I’ve […]
I’ve always wanted to fall un conscience hopefully my body will just get too weak