In the last week or two, I have been taken to the hospital for breaking down in class and revealing my suicide plan to the guidance councillor. I could say that I was surprised, but I wasn’t. The moment I said, “the fact of the matter is that I am suicidal,” I knew I was screwed. So, my parents were notified and I was shown the doors of the ER. However, I was able to avoid admittance, if only barely, by bravely lying my way out. On the exact same day I planned to kill myself, I smiled, laughed, and maintained my composure. So it’s only […]
Tag:
Composure
I am waking up every day not wanting to do anything but sleep. I push myself to do the things I need to do. I remember learning that the key to overcoming depression is to keep on with your routines. I don’t really agree. There is this hollowness that comes with each day, I smile, I laugh, I behave kindly, I turn the other cheek, I maintain composure, I stifle and stifle…
And I feel dead. I come home to my flat and lay down. Sometimes, I’ll watch a show or read. Sometimes, I’ll spend a few minutes sharing pleasantries with a “friend”. Sometimes, I might […]
I thought I had beaten the bad thoughts, but apparently not. They’re back. Again… They’re back, they’re stronger than ever and I’m too tired to face them. I really wish people could know how many times I’ve fought this off…. How many times all I could think of was not waking up again. How many times I’ve drafted the same letter, trying to find the right words to explain to the people I love why I had to leave them. And each time, I get closer… The letter is now 11 pages long. It is placed in the right place to be found by the […]
My trip to the guidance office proved to be as hopeless for solace as I figured. My guidance councler is a very nice and upbeat woman, but at the time of my arrival that day, she seemed to be handling other jobs of her own. Even though I was really upset at that point, I was really just glad to sit in a chair and get away from my friend for a while.
I regained my composure and I sat in the chair with much embarrassment. I felt embarrassed for being in there and I felt more embarrassed that I let everyone see me so upset […]
An email I chose not to send (altered to maintain anonymity):
I am going stir crazy. I really want to see you, but I can’t find a good excuse. Mom is psychologically abusing me, and I don’t think I can take it much longer. She constantly monitors me. She waits until there is no noise coming out of my room before she falls asleep. I don’t even think she sleeps most days. That would explain her insane need for productivity. I have no one to talk to at home who will listen to me and support me. I am trying to see my therapist here without […]
I thought I had beaten the bad thoughts, but apparently not. They’re back. Again… They’re back, they’re stronger than ever and I’m too tired to face them. I really wish people could know how many times I’ve fought this off…. How many times all I could think of was not waking up again. How many times I’ve drafted the same letter, trying to find the right words to explain to the people I love why I had to leave them. And each time, I get closer… The letter is now 11 pages long. It is placed in the right place to be found by the […]
I won’t lose, I’ve been sitting back, defeating myself for quite some time now. This battle has been ongoing for as long as I can remember. I’m not going to lose. No, I can’t lose. I won’t suffer any longer. I’m coming back down to reality some. I hope it’s for real this time. I’m hitting back. I’m regaining my composure. Fuck this, I’m going to come back better than ever. I’ve got nothing to lose and everything to prove. My mind will be free. I feel like I’m comin back. Let’s pray it stays this way. I’m a fighter dammit.
To start off, i’ve had a history of mental disorders and depression issues for countless years of my life, but never thought of committing suicide. My grandmother committed suicide before i was born, and i saw how it effected my mother, and my grandfather, and never ever wanted to do that to someone else. No matter how bad it got, i stuck in there.
On December 7, 2007, My best friend committed suicide. I wasn’t aware of any deep trauma or depression in her, so of course, it came as a total shock. I can still remember where i was, what i was doing, and […]