The nature of my job requires me to be somewhat social. Â This is quite a contradiction in the sense that when my anxiety and depression are at their highest, my desire — and ability — to be social is at the lowest. Â I spent most of the day today at a family reunion. Â It was totally exhausting being social for so long. Â Today it’s back to work after too short of a summer, facing what already suggests will be a long, long school year. Â This week will be hard because I will be forced to be social with my co-workers, repeatedly, over and over, through […]
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Contradiction
I have missed three psychiatry appointments because I don’t want someone to tell me I’m depressed nor do I want to believe in the existence of depression. (Which is a damn contradiction cause I’m a psych major and I know it does). I don’t want pills. I don’t want to talk about how I feel. The furthest I ever got to getting help was to the door of my psychiatrist’s office. I freaked out and left. I’m doing a half-ass job in everything. My GPA went down wayyy low. Money, my biggest motivator doesn’t even wake me up in the morning for work anymore. Guess […]
I’ve tried turning my life round, but yet again I’ve failed. I keep trying to better myself but everything ends up being a false dawn of hope or another fuck up to add to the ever extending list. I’ve always been a bit melancholy but I love having a laugh. I want to be in love again but I can’t open up. People say that I sometimes come across as cocky or supremely confident, yet I’m actually shy and unsure of myself. I’m one huge contradiction. I can easily identify with those who say they wear a mask in front of others and hide what […]
The more I know the less I know. I truly know nothing. Life is about living outside one’s self, the world is greater than your perception of it, I know this, believe it, feel it, yet I still feel numb. I feel guilty for what I have and resentful for what I don’t. I’m in constant contradiction. I just cannot fill the void that’s inside me. I know deep down I’m blessed, seeing others, knowing and feeling what others go through only makes me feel lesser than what I am. I’m stuck in thought and just fail to progress. This to shall pass, but is […]