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forced to be social

by Moire

The nature of my job requires me to be somewhat social.  This is quite a contradiction in the sense that when my anxiety and depression are at their highest, my desire — and ability — to be social is at the lowest.  I spent most of the day today at a family reunion.  It was totally exhausting being social for so long.  Today it’s back to work after too short of a summer, facing what already suggests will be a long, long school year.  This week will be hard because I will be forced to be social with my co-workers, repeatedly, over and over, through endless district and building meetings, in-services and such.  It makes me tired to just think about it.

I have an appointment tonight with my therapist.  I know what he wants to hear.  After 20+ years of this, I know the drill.  I know what a suicide assessment interview sounds like, and I know when one’s being done with me.  I know he wants to hear that the thoughts of suicide are gone.  That would not be true.  I am worried about this school year.  I have not started the year like this in many, many years.  I feel trapped in a life that limits my ‘freedom’ to act out.  Like I’ve said before, I don’t act out in the various ways I used to because I can’t risk ruining the ‘normalcy’ and ‘stability’ that I’ve developed.  I have my child to think about.  But, even though I can’t act on them, the urge to cut is there; the urge to drink wildly is there; the urge to just ‘go crazy’, to lose myself in insanity is there always.

I need to sleep; there is no napping today. I hate insomnia…

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7 comments

SadSteve 8/19/2013 - 1:55 am

Your smart, smarter than me. 10 years ago I stressed out and quit my job. I went crazy. Now I have no job, my internet will be gone at the end of the month and the future for me is living in a car or end it. Your lucky that your strong enough to think of your kid. If I were you I would smoke some weed. I wish I could.

Moire 8/20/2013 - 1:30 am

Hi, SadSteve,
I truly am sorry that you are facing such a difficult financial future. This economy is not great by any means. I don’t think I’m smart at all, though, and I wish I could just ‘fall apart’ at times, wish that I had that freedom. One thing I learned through all the abuse early on is not to rely on anyone but yourself. Pair that with the lioness desire to make sure that my child does not suffer because of me, and I have no choice but to hold down a job. I’ve actually been like that, even since my first breakdown at age 17. Work was/is often an escape for me, though not as much so lately as it has been.
As for the pot, I’d definitely lose my job if I did that–or any other kind of drugs–so that’s not on the table for me! Hang in there…

Now22andahalf 8/19/2013 - 3:30 am

Whats your job,and isnt it like good therapy that your ‘forced’to interact eith people itherwise you wouldnt do it on your phone cause you didnt want? But I get what your sayin thays just the way I see ut

Roak 8/19/2013 - 4:34 am

Hah. sounds like we’re in the same boat.. I play where i work .. so to speak.
So after a day of dealing with customers, I still can’t shut down the forced conviviality as i’m still seen as staff despite the fact that i’m not working. My friends take delight in watching my less than sincere rictus mouthing platitudes. Always on..

At any rate, most nights i work until midnight and it’s oddly relaxing to walk home through empty streets. I’m sure you’re already trying to balance social time with personal time.. So that’s hardly insightful. I also find physical activity seems emotionally cathartic for me.. that’s my anthem it seems..

You’ll have to forgive me this desire to offer advice.. but i can’t help but identify with what you’re saying and it’d be nice to help.. Naive to think you haven’t tried such simple solutions already but.. from one drowning person to another i guess.

Moire 8/20/2013 - 1:25 am

Hi, Roak-
thank you for the suggestions. I agree with you that there is something relaxing about the middle of the night. I may bemoan the insomnia, but there are times that I am my most productive during the times I can’t sleep and it is relaxing, at least as far as the busy brain goes, though it wrecks havoc on my physical state.

Now22andahalf 8/19/2013 - 8:34 am

Do it on your OWN°

Moire 8/20/2013 - 1:35 am

I’m not sure that I understand what you’re suggesting. As for the forced aspect of socializing, I have little difficulty dealing with the interactions required of my job typically. It’s the times that are atypical that tend to cause anxiety, which certainly happened today and resulted in a panic attack in the afternoon. It was all just too much, you could say…

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