Today was very rough. Perhaps one of the worst days I’ve ever had. Suddenly I just knew I am going to kill myself. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week, but it WILL happen. It’s like it’s set in stone. I found myself planning dates, letters, locations, everything…I cried and cried. I kept trying to tell myself “No, I don’t want this!” But the voice in my head, some kind of demon that possessed me just laughed. I could literally feel me, pathetic little me, begging for this entity to leave me, to let me rest and be happy. But it just laughed and […]
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Demon
My cousin is now my girlfriend. I’m going to take her to Conejo Valley Days which is the county fair over here. I can’t wait to spend that time with her.Â
I’ve begun branching out on my stories for my war genre involving my alter ego Rogue Shadow. I would give you a preview, but I have barely started with a mere 10 pages altogether. Let’s hope it’s good. I’m thinking of what website I might post it on. Hope I can get pissed off more often at my dad and continue the beginning of Rogue Shadow with the brutal murder of his parents. (Nate’s parents, […]
Something stands behind you
Blood comes dripping down
Blessings of the hatred
Falling to the ground
Looking for the demon
Chasing you it lurks
Bathing in the nonsenseÂ
It says it doesn’t hurt
Paths that lead to nowhere
Leave no tracks behind
Darkness folds beyond you
you struggle to survive
In the darkness binds you
A great and savage fear
No one else shall find you
As long as it is here
You grasp for you’re own sanity
In which you only see behind
A shadow of you’re enemy
A shape in which you recognize
It follows tracks endlessly
never tired from the chase
No matter what it keeps it’s […]
I feel like my life has been a blur..a blur I didnt want to acknowledge until I realized its eating me inside and im basically dead already. I am ashamed of myself and I cant speak to ANYBODY about this. I dont want to die.. but i dont want to exist either. I dont want to exist because there is not a day im not reminded of the torture and abuse i had to withstand and have never been able to share with anybody. I was sexually abused and molested when i was a kid..for several years. I was confused. I didnt know what was […]
I hate being alone..I always sit and wonder if its just me. I don’t like being alone, because sometimes, I’m just afraid of myself. I’m afraid that I’ll hurt myself, or cut. I’m very lucky to have a wonderful boyfriend who understands, and stays with me so I’m not alone, but even then, he needs to go home sometimes, and he needs to see his friends. But every time he leaves, I get mad. I get mad because I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want him to leave me alone with this demon that I have become. When he leaves, and goes out […]
I just took a dump and the empty feeling usually last for a solid 10 minutes, so ten minutes of bliss to get all of this out.
I decided yesterday to quit smoking and masturbating, to go back to who I was 3 years ago. I’ve an active imagination and I view my mind as a cockpit. There are voices about but for the most part, my pilot is in control. 3 years and I thought I was in control, but little did I know that my pilot was actually my lizard brain. 3 years spent on myself, finding pleasure, “finding myself”. All that happened though […]
When I searched for this website, I was totally suffering from my depression. I never went to a consultant but I knew I was depressing.
I was living in a city that everyone has the desire to living here. A wonderful city that make me fall in love with but also drain me in the hell. Two years ago, I graduated from high school, and apply to one of the university in the city which the agent helped me to prepare it all. I got a really bad high school GPA that I was really afraid of the university would’t take me. Eventually I went to […]
I remember I was the sweetest girl you would ever meet but that all changed when people started bullying me.I got bullied every single day.By everyone and by my family.My mom would always yell at me and my brother would beat me.My other brother would want nothing to do with me.My dad you ask?Lets see he had left me and my mom when I was 5 years old.People would call me fat,ugly,pathetic,Ect.Basiclly all the names in the book.I didnt understand what I did at the time.I would believe everything they said I had so much pressure on me and I still do.That pressure […]
This demon deep within me. I can feel it coming out again. All I want is to be high out of my mind all day everyday. That or just kill myself. I was all about being clean but now I just don’t care and can’t wait to get my hands on some drugs. Well in a few days I’ll be trippin so I am waiting for that day to come. Then I’ll decide if drugs will be enough or not even worth bothering with again. I don’t know where this is all coming from. I was getting so much better. I was happy to be […]
back again, like I could ever leave this place. My sober side want’s to quit but my high side wants to try. I’ve been tired of drugs, but they keep me around. I really am well adjusted, just so fricken lazy. I feel like something else; I don’t want to be human. This life seems so stupid and it’s so long, every day all day, living breathing. Everything is so tiring. I’m afraid to stop taking drugs because then I might kill myself, and I won’t get to play with the playdough that is my life.
I have moments where I enjoy things but rarely when […]
the only time I feel calm without the influence of drugs, is here. Fuck, what’s wrong with me? :s
I think about dying, and now, what holds me back is that I won’t get to swim in the sadness that I’ll cause with my death. I won’t be able to lick the tears of my loved ones as they wonder why they didn’t notice my derangement sooner. I wanna be like huck finn, fake my death and attend my funeral. The only happiness I have is others misfortune and oh golly would I love to feed off the negative energy that would be radiating from my […]
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