Memories haunt me.

There is support and speaking out is vital for reclaiming your skin.
I’d say know your enemy, your demonds.
As social creatures we instinctually absorb from others close to us.
My heart is with you….I understand part of what you are going through as I was raped and molested as a child. Though not by family members and I imagine that would bring a whole other level of a sense that someone has not only pirated your ship by from inside, but done so mutinously.
I spoke out to the only person in my life at the time my mentally ill mother who had been the one who drunk and on drugs left the front door open the night a stranger came in and woke me in my bed with a knife to my throat while my mother slept in her locked bedroom with her big guard dog. the rapist said he’d kill her and the dog if I made any noise. So I sort of saved her life but she of course turned the rape all on me (though I hadn’t blamed her at all at the time). I was 12. And then there were the men she brought home who molested me. I finally ended up in foster care which was terrible too but the third home was the best of the bunch – at least I learned some persistence.
Anyway, a decade or so later I too couldn’t have sex without flash backs until I realized that the flashbacks were a warning sign that I felt controlled. I realized too I was having sex just to be close to someone physically because I had no idea how to do so emotionally. In other words I was having sex with someone I really didn’t know well enough to feel comfortable with and the flash backs were helping me see that in big neon lights.
Find support while you are young and enjoy the beautiful miracle of a body you have been given and do so on your own terms.