I’ve been depressed for the past three years. It’s changed me on the inside, and you could almost say that I’ve developed, maybe grown for three years. But it’s odd, and I feel like as if most of my depression is from myself. This post is basically a boring recollection on how my depression has progressed, but hey I feel like posting here. I appreciated this website the moment I set eyes on it. I just don’t know how to sort myself out, and there are a lot of things that are difficult to express with words. I’m starting to get anxiety attacks because of […]
Tag:
Emptiness
Have you ever reached a point of sadness where you just . . . Stop? You stop thinking because there’s just so many bad thoughts. Any thought you do have is incoherent; merely a few words in a jumble that you can’t put in any sensible order. Nothing seems right. The words mean nothing to you anyway. For these three days or so, you shut down. You are clockwork. It’s almost like nothing matters anymore. You can do anything you like, there are no rules; no restrictions. You walk around following your daily pattern, knowing what you need to do but not thinking about any […]
Shift yourself from this grave..side to side ..consider yourself for the first time in a millennia. Look up to the sky..consider you’ll live again.
Drifting up from your sleep..in a haze to what the world has become. Shake a breath for the wind..show no fear for the light…and slowly breath in.. Exhale!
Search for strength, beneath your bleeding heart. Behind the crimson lines you’ve drawn tighter still. Reset trap door thoughts of letting the world collide with the emptiness inside. Hold on..dare to hold on..hold on tight to life even when the lines break from their binds.
Hold onto your hope so tight. Dampen the screams […]
I remember the time when you used to call me beautiful
It was a time when I was truly happy
There weren’t empty tears at 3 A.M. and hopeless wishes
I remember the time everything black and white turned grey
It was when you two would fight and loveless tears ran down your cheeks
Suddenly you left, you didn’t call, and you didn’t return for a while
I remember when you were there for me
It was around the time I went to seek help in the ocean
I sank to the bottom and struggled […]
I can see that this is how things will continue to be. I wake up every day worried. On a Saturday where I have the choice to not interact with the world and just hide from it. My best friend can tell something is not right, but I just don’t want to have that conversation anymore. Unless you have experienced it yourself, there are simply no words to express the darkness. Some of us are just damaged and broken.  I feel like I don’t fit anywhere in this life.
I am losing this battle. My battle to live, experience joy. My life is so consumed by my fears of failing […]
In my life I’ve had several moments where I felt ‘stuck’ or ‘trapped.’ Â I wish that people truly understood the depth and complexity of those words to me. Â My life has had its challenges, but what upsets me the most is that I truly am privileged.
I have major depressive disorder, but I am privileged. Â I have a father that was a cheater in all three of his marriages and emotionally abusive towards me, but he is a Professor and exposed me to the world of learning and higher education. Â I also have a father that through his cheating contracted HIV, but thankfully my mother did […]
I was scared .. I am scared. Everyone needs saving, even I do. I need it but I don’t want it. I don’t want the cliched lecture that things will get better or the sympathetic conversation that reveals your place in our relationship that you’re there for me. Â I don’t want empty words to stall my decisions or help me to even consider changing my mind. I think about it all the time. I have set myself to learn to be content with death. I think of where my soul might go .. drifting through the darkness and blackness of empty space that seems to […]
I am 25 years old. I have always had problems with depression, with self-harm; I’ve attempted suicide twice, and I promised myself that the third time would be the last; I won’t mess it up, next time. The third time will be the end.
The third time is all I can think about lately. I have lost everything, these past few months. Two years ago, I moved 1000 miles away from home; away from all my family, who spent my entire childhood abusing and neglecting me, and away from all my toxic friends that only dragged me down into their messes. I wanted a fresh start; […]
I’ve been walking alone. I turned back around and everyone was far away, so I continued walking. “I wasn’t afraid of being alone anymore.“ I’d whisper that to myself. But inside me was emptiness. I forgot how it was like to feel alive. Now I just live in the memories as I walk these paths. But suddenly I was lost. I didn’t know what direction to take. I was scared. Everywhere I turned there was darkness, no light shined. So I sat there in dark hours in the middle of nowhere figuring out what I’m going to do. I was blinded by the tears I […]
What’s left when everything’s over? When you know the answers, when you understand?
When you are over the world, past the reality, into the truth… what’s over?
Why live, why die, when there are no more stages in this game?
Do you know that feel, when you already finished your exam, and everybody around you is still looking for the answers? The emptiness, the satisfaction, the uncertainty…
That feeling is the only thing left.
Someone saved me last week from hanging myself. The loneliness was driving me mad. Yet, here I am again contemplating death. It is my refuge from the emptiness of life.
Now, I want to die because I simply don’t enjoy it. The one person who brought me joy and color to my world is now dead. I’ve been trying to move on and find happiness in the connections of those still alive, but I don’t enjoy spending time with people. Nor do I have the energy to try and find a new close companion.
So, I just sit in my room, waiting. Waiting for something to happen. […]
I would come up with a better title if that one didn’t fit so well.
I cut myself.
but cutting, to me, isn’t serious. It gets a larger reaction than it deserves and I just do it for sympathy. I never feel anything when I cut. I only feel when I’m laying on my bed weeping my eyes out until my tear ducts are completely dried.
I blame it on hormones, being a teenager, ect. I can’t take myself seriously. I don’t have a good reason to cry. Why do I take everything for granted? Why can’t I appreciate what I have. Why don’t I feel […]
It was only the first time.
I spun the blade around in my hands
contemplating if I should really do this or not.
I heard my mom yell.
Yes, I should, It’s worth it.
The blade sank into my arm,
cutting across my arm.
Not too deep.
It was only the second time.
The kids at school were bullies.
My parents just got mad.
I took the blade in my hands.
I didn’t even think about it.
I pushed it into my arm,
cutting across parallel to the last one,
A little deeper.
It was at least the 50th time.
I didn’t even have different reasons anymore.
I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’m extremely suicidal, I have no fear of death and I welcome it’s emptiness. However, I have this insane little happy part of myself that won’t shut up about all of my hopes and dreams and how they could still happen. I really feel like two people at once sometimes. I don’t know whether to feel good or bad that they both agree I’m ugly and look nothing like they do in my head. (I have a lot of self-hate.)
I think it might be worse because I don’t feel like I have the right to feel this way. […]
If I was just a bit skinnier.. Just a bit smarter.. Just a bit funnier.. Maybe, just maybe, she’d like me more then him.. But I’m not. And she doesn’t.
Just the thought of her with him makes me wanna overdose on my antidepressants. She is my world. My everything. And my everything has left and now I’ve got nothing. Which leads me to believe there’s nothing left to live for. Nothing to let go. So why the fuck is it so fucking hard to do so?
Why can’t I walk away from nothing when my everything just walked away from me? Why can’t I just […]
I need to change something before it’s too late, but I just can’t.
by sono_libero
written by sono_libero
This lady came to my school today and talked about the dangers of dark magic. She talked about demon possession and how she was able to conjure spirits when she was in high school. I find it all entirely fascinating, but I am getting far too caught up in the dark world for it to be safe anymore. I feel constantly trapped in darkness and emptiness. I am never happy anymore. I have nothing to live for. I stopped using drugs and cutting nearly six weeks ago, and everything has grown worse, instead of better, since then. Everything is a constant battle. Far too often, […]
burning sensations
of cigarette buds
the emptiness
of loving no one
it’s not that she was cruel
it was just hard to go
through.
after being broken
just like a pair of shoes
-e.m.
How do I even begin to explain the way that I am feeling?
It’s a sense of emptiness;
A sense that you would care not to have.
I have no drive or motivation to do anything.
I’m sick of living the life that I have.
Sick of living in this body of mine.
I can’t seem to get out of this rut.
I can only wish that I were someone else.
Wish that I was happy, but doing that gets me nowhere.
I have no destination.
My future is unknown.
I just want to disappear.
I want to eliminate my life, but I’m scared of the unknown.
I just wish I had the desire to live and the […]
I feel like everyone has a sob story or what some might call a good reason. “I’m insecure” or “I’m depressed” or “I’m abused”. That’s all sad and really painful and I get why you might just want to give up.
The thing with me is: I don’t even have any of that. It was a slow process, but at the same time it happened in the blink of an eye; a rush of clarity for me.
There’s nothing for me here. There never will be. Nothing had to happen to convince me of it, because I think I’ve always known.
Nothing ever feels right. […]