Im 26 and never had a girlfriend. I watched a lot of porn and become a sex-addict. I fucked over 300 prostitutes last 5 years and i cant stop with this, it makes me feel so numb. When is see couples walking around i feel so angry and envious.
Suicide is inevitable
I’m so sick of not being able to go through with it! I can’t stand this pain anymore. I’m going insane and if and when I manage to get pain meds I’m not responsible. I just don’t want to feel anything. But that doesn’t last long and most of the month I’m left with nothing and screaming my head off! No one will help me. Government won’t help me, doctors won’t help me, E.R. won’t help me. I have legitimate reasons to have pain meds. I was born this way, I didn’t do it to myself. I just want to die!
I have nothing and no […]
“Rory, what’s the weather like in that head of yours?”
“In my head?”
“Yes, what’s the weather like?”
“The weather is…ill.”
“And by ill, you mean?”
“I mean…the weather does not bode well for how I’d rather be feeling.”
“So what you’re saying is, you would like to be happy but thoughts prevent you from such happiness?”
“Sure, you sound like you already knew that.”
“To an extent, but I’d like to hear it from you. Tell me all about this ‘weather’.”
“It’s cloudy, like it usually is. I can’t see or feel the sun against my skin. I can’t hear the birds singing. I can’t smell anything but the inevitable rain soon to […]
i’ve tried. i really did. i gave everyone around me at least one chance to try and help me. but no one actually bothered. and i can’t tell anyone, because i feel fidgety whenever i tell anyone. because of all sorts of things. i’m detached from the world, i don’t have any true friends who will be there with me 24/7, even in front of my closer friends, i still have to pretend. why? because i’m scared they will all run away the moment they see all my flaws. i’m scared that once people see the real me, they won’t want to be […]
lately, i’ve had a new problem pop up. i’ll feel fine once, and suddenly, i’ll feel so angry, and get worked up over the littlest of things, and then sad and i’ll start crying, and whatever the hell comes. what is wrong with me it’s fine if it’s a while, but it’s been going on for a while honestly fuck this
I get told quite often that I’m a humble man. I’m only 20, but maybe this rings true to my personality. Why though? I think it’s because of all the shit that’s been thrown at me for as far back as I can remember. All the bullying, all the death and loss, all the yelling. I always wanted it to go away, to end and never once start up again. A futile request…I know.
But I think that is what has made me humble. Because I can’t care anymore. No matter how much I try to muster up an ounce of fucks to give about […]
Anyone else feel guilt knowing what you’re going to do to others? Of course most people aren’t backed into a corner like I am… but it’s hitting me a little bit here and a little bit there.
One of my bosses had a friend die yesterday. With my death coming soon, I feel bad for inevitably making her cry.
For everyone at my jobs, for letting them down, being such a disappointment and a waste of time, money, energy, training and resources. I’m sorry I can’t go on being homeless.
My kid. Yes, I have one out there who will be 17 next month. It’s her decision after […]
I’m realizing now; just how many issues I really have. My dad has severed any bond we had built over the past few years. The bond that was so fragile after years of abuse and death threats. He became enraged over a mistake I made that did not affect him. Now, I’ve no family. But I don’t understand why this is affecting me so much now. I’ve never been loved or accepted by my family.
My mother used me as a servant and emotionally manipulated me to do her bidding. My father constantly threatened to murder me and would constantly degrade me. This is your typical […]
it’s kind of strange how and when you realize there’s something wrong with you. i haven’t really thought there’s anything wrong with thinking about death – i’ve been thinking about it for, what, the last three years now? it was almost like an unconscious epiphany that hadn’t hit me until, a few months ago, i stopped and just thought about it: what classifies as depression? what classifies as suicidal?
and for the longest time, i did not only believe, but i was convinced that i’m completely alright.
sometimes, i’d be trying to sleep at night, and i would think of how it would feel to hang myself. […]
Today I woke up feeling really depressed, so much so that I was in my room from 8am until about 4pm because I just wanted to be left alone.
When I got out to use the bathroom, I saw my keyboard. Now, even though I’ve never considered myself “good” at playing, I thought why not try and learn a song. And I did. After feeling the most depressed I’ve felt in days, I was able to escape and now I’m feeling not good but not bad either.
This post is kinda pointless, but I just wanted to share that playing an instrument, even if you’re […]
My friends found out I was depressed but haven’t done anything about it and barely even acknowledge it. I absolutely can not stand when they used the word depressed or bipolar to describe how they are feeling when they will never feel what it’s like to have a mental illness as horrible as depression. Here I am they’re best friend suffering in silence and they just laugh at the word I can’t stand it
Holes in the front, holes in the back
Pink holes, brown holes, and even black
Some holes are smelly, hidden benethe
Oher holes peck your cute little cheeks
intake, outtake, holes can do it all
Some holes feel good, and some are very small
We came from a hole, and will be buried in one too
In the grand scheme of things, holes are me and you.
Up until I hit middle school, I like to think I was a normal kid. A little shy, but I had friends and liked myself. I didn’t know it was possible to dislike yourself.
My middle and high school years have their own stories to them, but I’ll share them another time. Basically, wearing glasses, having acne, and I guess just something about my personality in general marked me as a target in middle school. My high school years were spent avoiding any sort of attention, even though I looked a lot different and likely wouldn’t have been made fun of anymore. I was terrified of […]
i don’t know, i’m not even that old. but life just seems so tiring and pointless, every day, i do the same thing, and i don’t even do it well, and i just can’t find the energy to do anything. yet in front of everyone i have to put up a smile, and act like i’m ok with this life. and maybe i need to quote megan louisa garcia when i say it seems like right now, the most i can hope for is persevering through life, not enjoying it, not living it, and that’s really not what i want. at times, i just feel […]
Tool has one of the most intelligent lyrics of any band I ever heard. The lyrics that jump out to me the most is “why can’t we not be sober, just want to start this over, why can’t we drink forever”…..then the next line is “why can’t we sleep forever”. – I can totally relate. I wanna drink forever and wish I could sleep forever. It’s a song that can have many different meanings in accordance with people’s personal experiences. It’s deeper than drug or alcohol addiction – for me, I want to just go and sleep forever. Being sober hurts because of my mental […]
6 months ago my best friend died. She had an asthma attack in the middle of the night. That is what put me over the edge. Before that my dad died in a car accident. When my best friend died my life spiraled. That same month I went to two other funerals. I started taking drugs to help me sleep. I had a short circuit. I blew up on my mom. I went to stay with my grandparents for awhile. I just feel like I’m being forgotten. At lunch my friends don’t notice if I’m not there, my family doesn’t mind that I hide in […]
It’s hard, being alone all the time. Even if I’m with someone physically I still feel alone.
I want to be high all the time I love pills I need them to feel normal or happy. I just want to fade away. im so tired of the pain and the acting like im okay because if I tell the truth they’ll send me away again I don’t want to go away unless its permanent.
I don’t even know what to feel anymore I’m just kind of, numb. I’m pushing everyone away from me and refusing to talk about what’s wrong when I’m asked. Day 1 almost down of no eating, day 2 almost down of another sleepless night. After going a few months without cutting I dug the blade into my thighs yesterday and again today. I layed in the bath and just bled. Like it was the most normal thing in the world, no pain just emptiness. I have an doctors appointment soon and I don’t want them seeing my thighs. I don’t feel a thing but I […]
If I don’t feel better by 2 months or so I’m going to kill myself.
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